Dean, the Dangerous, and the Damned
by Speary
Summary: AU Destiel: Sequel to Cas, the King of Karaoke. You should read that story first. One year later: Dean is struggling with a life alone, working a desk job, and managing his personal relationships. All the while, Cas has been rebuilding his life with Lil, compartmentalizing and fixing however he can. Unfortunately, some problems can't be run from, and being alone is solving nothing.
1. Chapter 1: Mezzo, Dean

**AN: Hello All, and welcome back. This is the completed first chapter of the new fic. I posted part of it before. For those that don't know, this is a sequel to Cas, the King of Karaoke. You really must read that first, as this will not give you any major background. Plus, the other story is full of fun and fluff (and angst too). I have also added Cas, the King of Karaoke to Ao3 and will likely do the same with this fic later. The posting schedule will likely be Mondays and Thursdays. Enjoy:)**

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><p>If Dean's life had a soundtrack it would be as loud as the discordant drums and guitar riffs tearing at his back. If his life had a soundtrack, Dean was sure that it would be distasteful to most polite people. The screaming, big-hair bands of the 80s and the angry growls of 90s angst rock would fill the playlist. Of course, there's always room for a little 70s, but none of that disco shit, mind you. If his life had a soundtrack there was a chance that there might be soft songs too, ones that were wholly different from the ones careening around him at that moment. The portable stereo had been blasting out noise for nearly an hour while Dean lazily reclined in Sam's too expensive lawn furniture. Dean ran his fingers up the armrest of the piece that he had been nearly sleeping in and thought, <em>I could have made this for half the cost.<em> He revised his internal monologue when he recalled the catalogues that were on Sammy's coffee table just inside, _way less than half._

If Dean's life had a soundtrack, though, that would be an improvement. It had a soundtrack once. It had been a long stretch of time though since Dean had felt like anything was drumming along in his silent existence. He ate; he slept; he worked. This was his life on repeat for the past year. Being here at Sammy's was the one anomaly to his otherwise predictable existence. His life was frustrating to him. The fact that he had been on desk duty for the past year was maddening. The fact that he had felt stagnant and stuck everyday for the past year was steadily making him into a surly man that somewhat resembled his equally surly uncle Bobby.

The hard, fast tracks beat out a rhythm. Song after song played out into the afternoon while he soaked in the afternoon sun. The sun on his bare chest was giving him the beginnings of a tan that hadn't been there an hour ago. He ran his hand up through his sun lightened brown hair and then reached back for his drink. He cracked open his second can of beer and took a long gulp before closing his eyes again. He had consciously chosen not to fill the green cooler with bottled beers from Sam's fridge. They were Sam's fancy microbrews, and they reminded him of a different time. The cans reminded him of Bobby, and that was still comfortable.

The house and the yard were comfortable too. It was a new house and yard. Well, new to Sam and Jess, but not new by any other standard. It was a real fixer-upper when they first moved in. Sam liked his projects it seemed. Dean let out a sigh as he thought of the moment when Sam had finally shared his decision regarding the sale of the family home, ash heap now. The property had plenty of value, even if the house was no longer there. He shuddered a little with the memory of the place.

Dean had always viewed the old home with a tinge of horror. His mother's death in the fire had made Dean feel as though the house was filled with too many bad memories. With the advent of the second fire and the other horrors brought to the home by A, Sam finally viewed the home with the same horror that Dean did. That place now had too many demons for him too.

The song that was playing ended abruptly. The next song was milder, significantly so. He huffed out a breathe of irritation and was about to get up to fast forward past this melodic intruder. He paused in the middle of his movement toward it when it hit him. The last time he had listened to this song slammed into his head with all of the force of the past. It was Bon Jovi. The last time that he heard the song, Cas has been singing it. _Nevermind, Blaze of Glory isn't so bad._ He told himself as he slumped back into his old position.

He pulled out his cell phone and thought about texting. He had gotten Cas' new number from Bobby. _Just a short message. What could it hurt?_ He knew what it could hurt, and because of that he instead decided to inflict other tortures on himself. This brand of torture was a constant for him. He would often consider reaching out, only to push aside his own desires. He clicked on his last message thread with Cas and began rereading it from the top all the way down. It was funny to him to look back at the first messages and remember what he was like then, how much he had tried to convince himself that he was just seeking friendship with his brother's co-worker.

He got to the messages that they had exchanged when it was all still so innocent. He stopped at the one from Cas that read: _I've been looking forward to your company all week._ He remembered how he had felt then. His heart had nearly stopped. He had questioned each exchange, each glance from the night at the bar, each tiny bit of contact. He remembered playing out the scene in the alleyway over and over. He remembered how even in those first stuttering moments of their relationship they had felt the pull. The draw of each other's presence on the other. Had it not been for Sammy practically throwing himself out into the alley, Dean would have been all up in Cas' personal space. As it was though, Dean could not complain. They had found the path to intimacy not long after, and it was a bright song in Dean's otherwise songless life.

He flicked his finger speedily down the phone, sending the texts to the bottom. There were messages there that would remind him not to reinsert himself into Cas' life. Not that he really needed a reminder. It was likely more about Dean just inflicting torments on his mind that could possibly alleviate the guilt. These moments did not help, but he felt that they were what he deserved.

Sometimes it was hard to remember why distance was necessary when he was just reading the early texts. The later ones though, always hit him hard. The ones that were his "go-to" reminders were the frantic texts that he sent just after A had attacked Cas in his office. It was damn near impossible for Dean to overlook the dangers that he brought into Cas' life each time that he read those texts.

Are you okay?

Answer your phone.

Damn it Cas please answer your phone.

I swear to God that if you don't answer your phone, I'll kill you myself.

I didn't mean that. Answer the phone. Please.

Sam said that you were hurt. I swear I will kill him.

I'm freaking out now, Cas. Please be okay.

there is so much i need to say and i can't if you dont pick up your ph

Answer it

I'll never forgive myself you have to be okay

He never did get to tell Cas all that he had wanted to tell him. It was for the best though, he thought. _No sense making things any more difficult for the two of us._

He got up from the chair and wandered out to the front of Sam's property. The Impala was gleaming bright under the high afternoon sun. The black and chrome were blinding him for a moment. He opened the passenger door and reached out to the glove box. He intended to lock away his phone in there. _Out of sight, out of mind._ He wondered if it was ever going to get any easier.

As he placed the phone in the box, his eyes chanced upon the other phone. The second phone use to go everywhere with him. It was the emergency phone. It was one of those cheap pay-as-you-go phones. This was the phone that Cas would call if he needed Dean. Dean never received a call. Cas didn't need him. Eventually, he started leaving it in the glove box, as opposed to, carrying it in his pocket. He plucked up the phone and turned it on. The phone had another purpose too. It was his one mode of contact with Garth.

Garth was a local P.I. that Dean sometimes employed for little jobs that he couldn't swing alone. He was useful and rather friendly. When he had decided that he would need some eyes and ears near Cas, Garth became his solution. This solution was eating up most of his paycheck, but he didn't care. It was a small price to pay for peace of mind. He carried the phone with him back to the yard and plopped back down in the chair that he had occupied before. He clicked his contact list. He scrolled through until he found Garth's name and then clicked on him. He noted the last date that he had called was not quite a week ago, and he prepared for the gentle ribbing that he would likely get for his impatience. He pressed the call through.

Garth answered on the third ring. "Really, Dean, it has barely been five days this time. I thought that we were going to do full weeks between these little check-ins."

"Well, hello to you too, Garth." Dean thought about putting up a pretence of just calling to say hi, but Garth knew him too well to go along with such a thing.

"So, should we talk about the weather? Or, I know, how's Sam and Jess?" Now Garth was just messing with him.

"You just can't make this easy, can you, Garth?" Dean huffed out in exasperation.

"Well, Dean, just once it would be nice if you called to just say hello or something less stalkerish. I am really starting to feel like kind of a creeper."

"You know that it isn't like that right?" Dean worried for a second that Garth was not seeing the situation with the seriousness that it warranted.

"I know, Dean. I was just having fun at your expense. It gets a little boring around here. Frankly, I would tell you to call more often if I didn't think that it was unhealthy for you. You provide some of the only entertainment that I get all week." Garth sounded like he was in a slightly melancholy mood. Dean felt a little bad about the situation that he had tossed the guy into.

"Sorry about all of this. I think that I will be able to get back into this soon. My physical therapist said that I am just about ready to get out of this horrible desk duty and back on the streets. That puts me just a bit closer to getting the case solved and Cas and Lil out of harm's way."

"I wasn't complaining, Dean. It has just been a little dull here. Cas couldn't have picked a more boring place to live."

"I think that was the point." Then Dean decided to redirect to the path that he wanted when he had called in the first place. "So, how is he doing? How is Lil?"

"Well, that took less time than last time. I swear, Dean, you are like a dog with a bone when it comes to some things."

"Funny, that's what Bobby says about me too. Now, spill." Dean was losing patience a little, but he wasn't upset with Garth. He waited a moment before Garth actually started sharing.

"Well, this was a big week for the Young family." Garth used the last name that Dean had chosen as Cas' new alias. "Cas took Lil to a movie. They saw some cartoon thing. They ate out at the local pizza joint. They each went to work and school. They have routines. It is easy to follow them and keep track of them."

"Why did you say that it had been a big week?" Dean asked.

"Well, it was Lil's birthday. She turned six. Cas threw a little party for her in their yard. There were a couple of families there. The usual suspects. No one to be concerned about."

"Really, six? Last time I saw her she was four."

"Nah, she must have turned five when you saw her, but I imagine that no one knew back then." Garth's words made Dean feel a little sad about the situation that Lil had been in. That they could miss such a milestone was upsetting to him. It was also a further reminder that he had no business inserting himself into their lives. They don't deserve that.

He redirected though, "No signs of trouble right?" Dean voiced the same fearful question every time that they spoke. Trouble meant many things when Dean said it. He thought of A's brother, who was never located and of all the sordid people that could also find their way into Cas and Lil's lives.

"No sign of anything or anyone that is troubling. It's a small town, Dean. Newbies would not go unnoticed." Garth had adopted the same reassuring tone each time that he spoke with Dean. The problem was that Dean had started to hear it as less than reassuring. It sounded more to Dean like Garth had gotten bored to the point of not caring about the job.

"Are you still working for the coffee house? You still see most people there?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, I still work there. It is a better job than the one Cas has. He did branch out a little this past week, though."

"What do you mean?"

"He decided to start working at the legal aid office downtown. Well, he is doing this when he is not already working over at the Music Depot."

"Is he still doing piano lessons and that sort of stuff?"

"Seems so."

"Should I be worried about the new gig? Seems like that could land him on someone's radar." Dean couldn't help but have a little worry creep into his voice.

"Nah, I think that he has been downplaying his lawyer side quite a bit. He seems to just work on piddly little local issues. I don't think that his work will end up on any official documents or in any courtrooms. He had been doing some drop in work for them before, but now is different. Now, he seems to be on a regular schedule with them. I almost think that he is more like a counsellor. He seems to get a lot of people that come to just talk to him about their lives. He is a pretty good listener."

"How do you know?" Dean wondered just how much Garth could really have access to. He didn't want Garth to just embellish the details.

"Well, you do know that I talk with him at the coffee house, right. I mean, he does come in like everyday. I would say that he and I are kind of friends. We usually talk for a bit before he heads off to his corner to read and drink his morning cup of coffee. Also, people talk about him. He is the nice single father that just moved to town. It hardly matters that he has been here for a year. He is fresh meat compared to the rest of the town's people. I think that is why it is so easy for all of them to talk with him, go to him with their problems. He hasn't been here long enough for them to worry about him judging them. They are too busy judging him anyway."

"What do you mean when you say that they are judging him?" Dean was always rather quick to defend Cas in these little conversations.

Garth groaned in slight exasperation, 'Nothing big, Dean. They just wonder about him. He comes up in coffee house gossip. He's attractive and single. Plus, he has the whole single-dad adorableness going for him. The ladies are having a heck of a time with the fact that he hasn't shown any interest in dating from the local pool of women."

"They do know that he's gay, right?" _I mean really, it has been a year. Buy a clue people._

"Clearly, no. It isn't like Cas is hiding anything. It just never seems to come up. He redirects conversations like a pro. He never lets anyone get to the point of actually asking him out, and he never lets them get too deep into the questioning so common in small towns. They know virtually nothing about him. I imagine that this just adds to the Cas mystique." Garth seemed to be enjoying playing amature psychologist.

"So, no guys have approached him either?" Dean wondered aloud. He hadn't actually meant to ask. It felt too personal.

"Not really." Garth seemed to want to move on, but Dean was not comfortable with the answer.

"What do you mean by not really?" _Not really means yes. It totally means yes._

"Well, there is this one guy in town. He is not out, but he flirts with Cas. He hangs out at the coffee house on the weekends and sometimes in the afternoon on the weekdays. He is a nice guy. Cas is uninterested though."

Dean felt irritated, but he pushed it down. _So what if someone wanted to flirt with Cas. It had been a year and Cas deserved to have a little attention._ He tried not to sound irritated when he spoke as he did not want Garth to know how much the information had rattled him. He might hold back if he knew. "Well, Garth, I gotta get going. Sounds like Sam just got back, and he has me slated to work on the house."

"Okie, dokie. I guess I'll hear from you in a couple of days, huh?"

"Yeah. You know me. I am not likely going to wait a week." He laughed a little.

"That's good. I don't want to have to come up with my own entertainment." Garth laughed too. "Talk to you later, Dean."

"Bye, Garth." Dean wondered how long he would be able to wait this week. _I'll be lucky if I make it two days._

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec. <strong>


	2. Chapter 2: Mezzo, Cas

**AN: The term Mezzo means half. I have selected it for the last two chapter names as I believe that it speaks to Dean's and Cas' current situations. Also, thank you all for the kind words. It was great to hear from you all again. Thanks Valarie-Lynn, Master's daughter, legsinger, and Mummabro for starting off my thread of reviews on the new story. Thank you, thank you, thank you:)**

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><p>Cas stood out on the front porch of their simple cabin home. It was set back from the lake with a shield of tall redwoods at its back. The unpaved driveway, that came up to the back of it, stretched long and out of sight through the trees. Cas looked out at Lil playing in the yard with her school friend, Dela. She was a little red-headed girl that was elfin in her features. Cas liked this friend, not just because she looked like a young version of his own friend Anna, but because she was snarky. She made everything into a joke, and seemed to keep Lil from becoming too internal.<p>

He took a seat on the front steps and set down one of his two mugs of coffee. It was Saturday and still warm for late October. Dela and Lil were making little structures along the edge of the water. Cas called over, "Don't get wet. I don't want to return Dela to her mom with wet socks."

"Okay, dad." Lil called back. Cas smiled at the name. He warmed every time that she said it. He remembered how it came about the first time. She had called him Cas. He had worried that their old identities would come out before they even found a home. They had been living in the local motel. It was a nice enough temporary establishment, but not a place to raise a kid. When she had called him Cas, luckily, the only one that heard it was the front desk clerk at the motel. It didn't seem to phase him though. It's possible that he just thought that it was a term of endearment instead of a name, or more likely, he just didn't care. When they had gotten back to the room, Cas had sat her down to talk about the name.

"You know, I have a new name now?" He entered the conversation with trepidation.

"Mmm." She hummed out while looking off at the window, away from Cas.

"Since we are starting over, you will not be able to call me Cas anymore." He did not like how he had said it, but he didn't have a plan, so this was the result.

"Mom had different names too." Lil seemed uncomfortable.

"Yes, she did." Cas scooted closer to her and rested a hand on her head, rubbing down the stray wisps of her blonde hair.

"She didn't like her other names."

"I always wanted to just call her Megan. She didn't want me to do that though." Cas offered to encourage talk.

"She said that names matter. I think that her name mattered." She didn't explain it more, but Cas agreed with her.

"To keep people from finding us, we have to change our names. My new name is Malcolm Young."

"Do I have to change my name?" She finally looked at him with sad eyes.

'Not entirely, you are still Lil. Your last name is Young now, like mine." He paused a moment before adding. "We get to have the same last name because you are my daughter."

She really stared at him now. "I don't want to call you Malcolm. I don't like that name."

"Dean picked it. Don't blame me."

"Does he like the name?" She leaned her head into him, and he wrapped his arm around her.

"I think so. He said that there was a famous singer with that name."

"I miss him. Will he come find us eventually?" She turned her face up to him.

"I don't think that we will be seeing him for a long time." He kissed her head. "I miss him too."

They sat there quietly for a while before she spoke again. "I'm not going to call you Malcolm."

"What will you call me then?" He asked then offered, "You could call me Penguin Boy." He joked and coaxed out a smile from her. The name came from a joke that they had shared from a time when Lil's mom was still alive.

"Penguin Boy." She seemed to be testing out the name. It did not seem to be working for her.

Cas considered for a bit before he spoke again, "There is another possibility, but only if you want to." He paused again, worried over her response. "I mean, you don't have to use the name if you aren't comfortable with it, but…" He looked down at her face and finished, "you could call me dad."

"Dad." She immediately tested the word and looked more comfortable with it.

"Of course, I don't want you to feel like you have to call me that." Cas was shifting about uncomfortably.

"Do you want me to call you dad?" Lil's expression changed, as if she were seeing rejection.

Cas quickly revised his tone when he saw the effect of his words on her. "I would be so happy if you felt like calling me dad." He smiled at her and she returned it to him.

"Dad. I like this better than Malcolm." She snuggled up into his arm and after that she never called him anything else.

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><p>The sun was blindingly bright off of the water. Cas sipped at his coffee and cast his gaze up into the distance. The figure that was jogging along the lakeside trail seemed to be making good time. The small puffs of dust that kicked up with each pound of his feet were a mesmerizing sight. Cas mentally calculated how long it would be before the runner was in front of their house. He was a mile off, so Cas assumed that he had about six more minutes.<p>

It was not uncommon for joggers to pound along the trail that wrapped around the lake in front of their cabin. It was a five mile circuit if the runners took the path that wrapped back into the woods, winding back to the start. Cas and Lil's place stood at the exact middle of the trail. The first time that joggers had been spotted in what they had decided was their front yard, Cas had slipped his gun into his jacket to carry while he investigated. The joggers had slowed up when they saw him on the front porch. The first group included five thirty-somethings, mostly women. The one anomaly was Carter. They were a group that met up a couple of times per week to run the trail together. Allison was their leader. She was a short brunette with long hair that was pulled back in a tight ponytail.

She had jogged over to Cas' who had taken a few strides away from his front porch out into the "yard." Allison's co-joggers followed her. "Well, hello there," She had said. Cas took his hand out of his jacket pocket, releasing his gun. He took her offered hand in a quick shake. "I'm Allison. You are new here." She said all of this in a breathy manner that spoke to how much she had been laboring at the jog.

"I'm Malcolm." Cas had almost introduced himself with his real name, but it was not apparent to them. He let his gaze fall on the other members of the group. They were all hovering back a little, seeming to wait for Allison's lead.

"Well, good to meet you. We run by here Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, so you'll likely see us passing through your yard a bit." Allison waved her hand back at the trail. "This is Maia, Cort, Carter, and Jane." She pointed at each one in turn. They each stepped up and shook his hand as she gave their names. "So, when did you move in?"

"We've only been here a couple of days. We were living in the motel for the past month, and this is a great improvement on that." Cas glanced back at the house and saw Lil slinking out onto the front porch.

"Oh, isn't she just precious. Is she your daughter?" Allison smiled over at Lil. Lil dipped back into the house.

"Yes, her name is Lil. She is a little shy today." Cas began a slow shuffle back toward the house and added, "I think that I better get back in and put breakfast on for the little munchkin. It was nice meeting you."

The abrupt end to the conversation seemed to take them by surprise, so Allison shuffled along with Cas all the way back to his porch. "Is there anyone else that we should meet in there?"

"Um, no. Just Lil and I." Cas felt a little awkward all of a sudden. Allison was peering past him to the door.

"Ah, divorced huh?" She asked with a raise of her eyebrow.

"No. Lil's mom and I were never married. She died." He hoped that this explanation would be enough. He had yet to construct much of a permanent story about this situation. He knew that he would have to eventually, if he ever allowed himself more than a casual conversation with anyone. _Casual is good. Explaining your past with lies, not so much._

The one guy in the group, Carter, stepped up then and said, "Hey, Allison, we need to get back on the trail." This seemed to snap Allison back into focus.

She smiled at Cas and said, "Well, we'll see you around." And then she turned to the others and said, "Well, let's get going." They all took off as a group except for Carter, who lingered for a moment more.

"How old's your kid?" Carter asked.

"She's five." Cas wondered at the question, but he didn't have to wonder long.

"So, she'll likely be in my kindergarten class next fall. I'm a teacher." He began shuffling away a little when Allison's voice called back.

"Come on, Carter. We're ditching you."

"Just giving you a head start, slow poke," he called back. He turned to Cas then, "I don't know how I managed to let that bossy woman suck me into her group, but ah, well, duty calls." He smiled in a way that transferred all the way up to his eyes and Cas found himself smiling back. Carter jogged away and seemed like he would be more than capable of catching up with the others despite the head start.

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><p>The night terrors had started again that night. He had assumed that the worst was past them since she had slept soundly at the motel for the past month. The deep night that fell on the cabin though, coupled with the new environment was possibly the trigger that set her mind back into darkness. He had bounded from the bed in an instant. Her shrieks pierced the night and cut into his heart. He scooped her up into his arms, throwing on her nightstand light as he did so. She quieted a little as he pressed her head to his chest.<p>

"Shh, shh. I'm here, Lil. It's okay, munchkin. Shh, shh." He rocked her back and forth, holding her to him. The night stretched out in slow calming motions and cooing sentiments of comfort.

"There is someone in my closet." She said once she had regained control of her emotions.

Cas got up and moved to the closet door. He looked back at her curled up on the bed, and peered inside the space. There was nothing there. A long coat was hanging from the bar. Cas moved it aside. "I think that it was the coat that you were seeing." Cas returned to her and curled up next to her in the bed.

"It looked like a person. Are you sure that no one is in there?" She scooted up close to him and he wrapped his arm around her.

"I promise that nothing is in there." They fell asleep like that. Cas, though, realized that maybe he was not equipped to fix the problems that they would face.

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><p>The next night was the same. The night after too. Lil's fears seemed to be getting worse. Some days she wouldn't speak. He decided that she needed to see a professional. He looked through the local directory and came across a name of a female family therapist. He wasn't sure how to check her out for acceptability except to just go to her and see how it went.<p>

Her office was in a small corner storefront on the edge of town. Her windows overlooked the town square. She was a tall woman in her late thirties. She had a wide smile, that greeted them as they entered the room. She was wearing dark glasses, which at first seemed odd as they were in doors. Cas had one hand on Lil's back as they walked in together. "Hello," he said. "I'm Malcolm Young, and this is my daughter Lil." Cas stood across from her desk now.

She stood and reached out a hand a little toward Cas to shake. Her aim was off though, and it was then that Cas realized the need for the glasses. She was blind. He took her hand and shook it as she said, "I'm Pamela, Pamela Barnes. Pleasure to meet you in person Mr. Young." She released his hand and turned in the general direction of Lil. She reached out her hand and Lil took it carefully. "A pleasure to meet you too, Lil." She beckoned to the seat then. "Please, have a seat."

Cas wasn't sure how these things went. He didn't know if he started or if she did. So he sat and waited for her to speak. Lil spoke first though. "Why are you wearing sunglasses?"

"This is why I love children. They say what they are thinking without those pesky social filters getting in the way." She inclined her head toward Lil and removed her glasses, revealing her eyes, cloudy white with blindness. "God decided to take my sight, little one."

"Why?"

"So that I could see things better." She laughed a little at her statement.

"That does not make sense." Lil said while crossing her arms over her chest.

"I often don't make much sense, but you will find that sense is overrated. Sometimes it is just nice to have a safe place to talk with someone that isn't always trying to stare you down. I promise to never stare you down." She smiled again and there was warmth in the look. They talked a little, and with some pointed questions, Pamela learned about Lil's favorite color and food. She learned little things that would seem mundane to most, but they established the beginnings of a connection that Cas could see forming. Before they left, he scheduled a second meeting for the following week, and she gave them a small note card with some writing on it. "This is your homework."

"Homework?" Cas looked down at the card.

"Yes, I will give you homework each time that we meet. It will be some small task that will hopefully help. This week's task is simple. I'll expect a full report at our next meeting."

They walked to the door and Cas said, "Thank you Dr. Barnes. We appreciate this." He tucked the card into his pocket and headed home.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**Also, I have a tumblr now. However, I don't know what to do with it. I think that I am too old for it. However, I am likely too old to write fan fiction too so there is that. My tumblr thingy is called speary writes stuff. I know original. The irony is that there is no writing from me on it whatsoever. Maybe I will figure it out eventually. Maybe not. **


	3. Chapter 3: Ziehen, Dean

**AN: Ziehen is a German musical term that means to draw out.**

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><p>The sound of gravel crunching alerted Dean to the company that was about to invade the backyard. He had thought that Sam would have gotten back some time ago. Instead he had killed two hours in the backyard and enough beer had been consumed to bring on a flush to his cheeks and warmth to his body. The voice that greeted him next was a bit unexpected. "Dean, how's it going?" Gabe strolled over to him in his shorts and floral Hawaiian shirt.<p>

Dean got up and reached out a hand to him in greeting. "Not bad, not bad. How you been?"

"Can't complain. Got an extra one of those for me?" He nodded toward the beer, and Dean scooped up an unopened can for him and tossed it over. "Damn, Dean. Now it's going to get everywhere." He held it away from him as he cracked it open, letting the foam gush out a little onto the grass.

"Sam didn't say anyone else was coming."

"Yeah, you're going to have to share him today, Dean. Uriel and Anna are coming by too." Gabe eased into one of the chairs and took a long pull from the can. Dean sat across from him. "Heard any interesting news lately?"

"Nope. But I get the sense that you have. So, spill." Dean leaned back into his chair and started drumming on the armrests with his fingers. "Ironman" was pumping out of the speakers, and he liked the sound and energy of it.

"Well, a little birdy told me that Sam got an email that he is planning to share with all of us today." Gabe looked over at him with a conspiratorial wink.

"I don't have a clue what you are talking about. Enlighten me." Dean considered cracking open another can of beer, but figured that he should take it easy if power tools were going to be used later. Instead he popped open the cooler and pulled out a bottle of water.

"So, he didn't tell you about the letter, huh? That's funny. You getting along with Sam okay these days?"

"Uh, yeah. We're great." Dean looked away at the yard and thought about his interactions with Sam over the past year. They weren't bad per se. They just weren't quality interactions. It was usually pretty tense and terse, but not mean. Dean just didn't have much to say, or so he told himself.

"Really? Then why didn't he tell you about the message?" Gabe raised an eyebrow to him.

"I don't know, Gabe. Why don't you tell me?" Dean did not mean to let the irritation slip into his words, but he was not exactly feeling patient at the moment. The beer and the afternoon sun had relaxed his tongue a little it seemed.

"Well, now I maybe don't feel like sharing." Gabe looked over at him with a smirk and took another gulp of his beer.

"Whatever. I'll find out when Sammy gets home. Speaking of…" The sound of another car on the driveway could be heard now and Dean was up on his feet. It sounded like more than one car had actually shown up. Multiple slammed doors later and voices could be heard making their way into the backyard.

"I'm guessing that we could probably get this done in one afternoon. Jess and I will throw down some burgers, and we will bask in the glow of a job well done." Sam was talking to Uriel while they rounded the corner. Anna and Jess were in their wake.

"'Bout time you all got here. I was starting to think that I got the weekend wrong." Dean walked up to Sam and pulled him into a tight hug. Jess caught him up next, and Dean lifted her up and spun her around before letting her go. "Good to see you, Sis."

Anna smiled at him and said, "It's nice to see you again Dean. It has been too long."

Dean gave her a quick hug and said, "It hasn't been that long."

"Uh, yeah, actually it has. Almost a year." She was covering. Dean went along with it.

"Wow, time flies, I guess. You sure?" She gave him a half smile and a shrug in answer before he turned to Uriel. "Good to see you too, Uriel." They shook hands and everyone mosied over to the table.

"So, everyone know the plan for today?" Sam asked as he waved at the back part of the house.

"Yeah, Sam. We know all about your plans to use us as slave labor," Gabe laughed. "So tell us what each of us will be doing, and let's get this thing started."

Sam ducked into the house and came out with some rolled up plans. He explained several tasks to them concerning the add-on that they were building. It was a simple pop-out spare room. It would look just like it had always been there if they did it just right. Dean couldn't see the need for it, but it seemed like it was a nice way to gain an extra chunk of space for the house. He had been put in charge of cutting the boards and plywood siding to size. He also planned to man the nail gun later when the time came. Gabe had been told to help Dean with his tasks.

Dean rolled his eyes at this pronouncement. "Well, Dean, looks like you are stuck with me. Lucky you, huh?" Gabe slapped Dean's back in a way that seemed to be meant as a friendly gesture.

"Do you have much experience around power tools?" Dean looked at Gabe with a skeptical raise of his eyebrow.

"Totally." Gabe stood off to the side of the table saw seeming like he was ready to just start cutting up anything.

"Hmm, somehow I don't believe you. Let me see your hands." Gabe held out his hands. "Okay, you still have all of your digits. So I guess you are acceptable." He smiled at Gabe in an attempt at fixing the tension from earlier. If he had known what direction this encouragement would lead them, he might have just left, cut his losses early. By the time the afternoon had ended and evening had taken over, Gabe had nearly killed Dean three times.

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><p>The first time that Dean had almost died was when he sent Gabe onto the newly framed roof to tack down the plywood with the nail gun. Dean had passed the gun up to Gabe and stood below prepping slats that would make up the siding on the walls. He was cutting them on the table saw when he heard the first pop of the nail gun deploying into the wood immediately followed by Gabe's startled whoop. The nail gun had apparently startled Gabe so much that he released it and it went sailing off of the roof. It nearly landed on Dean's head. Which would have been bad, to say the least. Dean turned to the roof swiftly, disapproval plain on his face. "What the Hell, Gabe."<p>

"Uh, sorry 'bout that. That thing has a little kick, doesn't it?" Gabe tried to diffuse the situation.

"How far away will I need to move to keep you from dropping things on my head?"

"That won't happen again, promise. I just didn't expect it to be that powerful." Gabe reached down and added, "Mind passing it back up to me?" Dean reluctantly scooped up the nail gun and handed it back to him. He took a couple of large steps back and watched as Gabe readied the gun to use again. This time he kept a stronger hold on it as he tacked down the wood. He glanced over at Dean and said, "See, all better."

Dean eased back over to the table saw and started working again. Later, when everyone decided to take a little break. Gabe walked over to Dean and hovered, seeming to desire some sort of conversation. Dean said, "So, what's up?"

"Uh, so did Sam tell you that I bought a truck?"

"No, he didn't mention it. So, you are driving something that is a little larger than your old Mini, now?"

"Yeah, since the fire, I have managed to get a place that offers parking to its tenants. So, I figured that I should get a larger vehicle to fill out the space." They both stared off into the distance. Dean had wondered if Gabe had been forced to move or if he had chosen to wait out the construction that would likely fix the old building. He never asked Sam about it though. This was just another one of those things that he avoided because it would lead to other conversations, other paths of irritation.

"So, what kind of truck is it?" Dean asked.

"It's a Chevy." Gabe seemed happy with Dean's interest. "I was sort of wondering if you would take a look at it. I guess that it just seems like it is doing something a little odd. Sam said that you might be able to tell what it is by just listening to it. He said that you kind of have like a sixth sense about the mechanical stuff."

"Hmm, I think that he is giving me too much credit, but sure. I don't mind taking a look. Is it a new truck or did you get it used?" Dean began heading toward the front of the house with Gabe at his side.

"New, but I am not always good to my vehicles. So maybe I have prematurely aged the thing with my bad driving." They rounded the side of the house and Dean saw a rather large Chevy Suburban.

"That is not a truck. That is a big ass SUV." Dean proclaimed as they approached the vehicle.

"Meh, same diff." Gabe raised a hand to his vehicle and gave it a little pat. Dean had to smile a little at the affection. "So, you wanna hear the funky noise?"

"Sure." Gabe hopped up into the vehicle and Dean joined him on the passenger side. "So does it only make the sound when you are driving or do you hear it when it is idling too?"

"Just when I am driving." Gabe answered quickly. He started the car and Dean pulled his door closed and fastened his seatbelt. "So, you up for a quick drive?"

"Yeah, let's just not take too long. We don't want them to miss us too much." Gabe fastened his seatbelt, threw the car into gear, and swiftly whipped the car out of the parking spot in Sam's driveway. He shifted into drive and laid on the gas heavily, sending the car forward with enough speed to suck Dean back into his seat. _The sound is likely the vehicle getting pissed. Shit, he's a maniac. How were he and Cas friends? _Gabe didn't let up on the gas.

They blasted down the long stretch of road, and Gabe said, "So, you hear the sound?"

"Gonna be honest and say, no. I actually don't hear a thing." Dean kept his eyes glued to the road as Gabe took the tight turn a little too fast and the sound of the tires screeching caused Dean to grip the sides of the seat. "So, Gabe, are you planning to kill me today, or is my death in the inevitable car crash going to just be a happy by-product of today's little adventure?"

"Oh, is my driving scaring you? I thought that this was sort of your kind of thing." He slowed up, but only a little.

"It would be more of my thing if I were driving. I am not much for the passenger thing." Dean tried to look less like the drive was bothering him, but he could see the next turn and it did not look like Gabe would be able to handle it.

"It only makes the sound when I hit certain higher speeds. I'm going to try to get it to do it." Gabe accelerated more, and Dean gripped the seat tighter.

"You need to slow down. We aren't going to make that turn." Dean tried to sound calm, but he could see the accident before it happened, so panic crept into his voice. Gabe slid into the turn. The SUV fishtailed a little as Gabe slammed on the brakes and slid off of the edge of the road into a shallow ditch.

"Oh, didn't see that coming." Gabe laughed a little. "You look upset. This was just a little adventure. No big." The back end of the vehicle was angled down a slight incline. It wouldn't take much to get it out, but it was still not going to be, as Gabe put it, "no big."

"I am starting to think that you are trying to kill me. Seriously, Gabe, who taught you to drive?" Dean got out of the truck to investigate. He looked down at the way that the tires were wedged into the slightly moist dirt and thought that they might just be able to drive up out of it. The SUV should have enough strength to do the job just fine. Gabe joined him and looked at the situation.

"So, do you want to give her a little push while I try to drive her up the hill?" Gabe threw a questioning look Dean's way.

"Nope. I am going to drive us back." He reached out and waited for Gabe to hand over the keys. Gabe pulled them out reluctantly and set them into Dean's hand.

"Be careful with her now."

"Really? Said the guy that just rocketed off the road." Dean rounded the car to the driver's side. "Let's go." After some effort, the two of them got back on the road and were headed back to Sam's.

"I don't suppose that we could just keep this little adventure between us, could we?" Gabe hadn't spoken much in the last half hour. This last sounded kind of pathetic. Dean looked over at him and considered the situation.

"I don't really see the point of not mentioning it. We could downplay your inept driving though, if that makes you feel any better." Dean stared straight ahead, then added, "Also, I don't think that anything is wrong with your car."

"Really? I guess it isn't making the noise today." They pulled into the driveway and parked. Sam came out as they got out of the car.

"Where were you guys? We were getting worried."

"Oh, Gabe just wanted me to check out his new ride. Took longer than we thought that it would." He chose not to mention the bad driving. He saw the look of appreciation on Gabe's face.

"We are kind of hungry, Sam. You got the burgers cooking?" Gabe said while marching back to the rear yard.

"I was just getting ready to start up the grill. You want to get it fired up?" Sam directed at Gabe.

"You got it, boss." Gabe headed over to Sam's large gas grill while Dean and Sam wandered away from the rest of the crew to visit a bit.

'So, what really happened?" Sam dipped into the cooler and pulled out a bottle of beer, popped the cap and tipped it to his lips.

"You, so don't want to know." Dean decided that another beer was in order for himself too, and retrieved one from the cooler.

"Gabe is one of our special friends. Hopefully, he didn't give you too much trouble." Sam reached out and patted Dean on the shoulder. "So, how have you been? It seems like it has been forever since we hung out."

"Fine." Dean took a pull from his can and looked up at Sam with his most convincing face.

"Hmm. Still on desk duty?"

"Yep, I think that the physical therapist is just about ready to clear me though. I have an appointment this week, and I plan to push for it." Dean was looking at Sam now. "How have you been?"

"Great. Jess and I are good. It would be nice if we saw our no account brother every now and then, but, whatever, you know. I guess that he is too busy to drive a whole ten minutes over to our place." Sam bumped him slightly and smiled.

"Yeah, maybe, I just know how much work you were going to get me to do if I did show up." Dean bumped him back.

Sam's face took on a serious look. "So, I'm not sure if Gabe mentioned it, but I heard from Cas."

Dean looked concerned. "How?"

"Email." Sam quickly elaborated when he saw Dean's face become more concerned. "Don't worry. Cas explained that he used a proxy server to send off the message."

"Is he okay? I always assumed that we would only hear from him if things went south." Dean felt the tightening of muscles in his stomach. He pushed down the emotion. Sam would have said something sooner if there was cause for concern, not to mention, Garth would have alerted him as well.

"He is fine. I think that he was just missing everyone and wanted to let us know that they were doing well. I plan to share the message after we eat. I would totally understand if you were not interested in hearing it." Sam had his overly concerned brother look on his face, and Dean found himself feeling the irritation rising again.

"Why wouldn't I want to hear about them, Sammy? It's been a year. I'm good, golden even." Dean saw the look on Sam's face deepen.

"You're not. I wasn't trying to piss you off. Seems that's all I can do with you lately."

"Let's just not. Okay?" Dean looked across the yard sniffing the air. "Do you smell that?"

Sam's eyes darted over to the BBQ and said, "I don't think that he lit the BBQ."

Dean walked over to the BBQ and the smell of gas was stronger. "Gabe, you didn't light it." Gabe came back over to the BBQ and reached out to the ignition button before Dean could stop him. "No!" Dean took a quick jump away as the lid blew back with a blast of fire. "Shit, shit, shit. You dumbass. What the Hell!" The fire blast did not burn long. It was shocking though. It was lucky for Dean that he was not too inebriated to jump away. The warmth of the blast though was strong. Dean stormed away from the scene, Gabe at his heels.

"Sorry. Really, Dean, I'm sorry. I totally wasn't thinking."

Dean didn't respond he just marched into the house and slammed the door behind him. Jess was in the living room with Anna. "What's wrong?" Jess walked over to him.

"I swear. How have any of you survived your friendship with Gabe? He is a fucking lunatic. He has nearly dropped a nail gun on my head, gotten me in a mild car crash, and practically caught me on fire, and the day isn't even done yet." Dean tossed himself onto the couch.

Anna laughed, "Yeah, he isn't exactly the most conscientious in the group. He isn't usually so bad though. I think that he has some stuff on his mind."

"Well, keep him away from me until he clears his head. I would like to survive the night." Dean was simmering down. "So, what's got him riled?"

"The email from Cas. I think that it has been rough for him not having Cas around. I think that the thought of hearing from him is distracting him." Anna came over to the couch and sat with him. "Gabe met Cas back in college. They have been friends ever since. I think that Gabe thought of Cas as his best friend. You should have seen how much effort he put into the little task that Cas left for him."

"What little task?" Dean asked.

"You know, the sales of all of his assets."

Dean remembered how Cas had handed off a packet of information to Gabe to sell off all of his stuff. He had said that he would need the money to make a fresh start, a fresh start that Dean could have been a part of if he had just made a different choice. _Too late now._"Oh, that. Was it a lot of work for him?"

"Yes, it was. He made Cas a lot of money. He won't likely need to work for some time to come; although, I reckon that he will just to keep busy." Anna reached over and placed a hand on Dean's leg. "How have you been?" He did not look directly at her. It had been a couple of months since they had seen each other, despite what she had said earlier. He knew that she could see the toll that time was taking on him. Even he could see it each morning in the mirror. The year had aged him inside and out.

"Getting by," Dean answered more honestly than he would if Sam or the others had been in the room.

Jess joined them and put her legs up onto the coffee table. "You should come here more. I don't think that it's good for you to stay cooped up in your little place all of the time."

"I get out. I work." Dean tried to explain, but it sounded feeble.

"Sure you do." Anna interrupted. "There's always another solution to all of this moping that I'm sure you're doing."

"I don't mope." Dean said with an edge of gruffness in his voice.

"He mopes." Jess interjected. "He totally mopes. It is all he does."

"Thanks Jess. Love ya too. I'm not that bad. I keep busy. I just need to get off of this desk duty, get back to the case. I feel like I have been spinning my wheels here for the past year."

Anna asked, "Have you ever thought about just going to him? You know, leaving all of this behind."

Dean didn't answer at first. How could he? It would unleash too much conversation. It was a chick-flick moment in the making and he was already feeling like he had had enough. It was also a little weird having the question come from her. So instead of honesty, _Everyday,_ he went with, "Nah, I made my bed. I'm going to see this through."

"Biggest mistake you ever made, Dean." Jess offered up with a tone of sympathy. "You love someone, you fight to stay with them. No matter what."

Dean stood then, because the conversation was truly now in the depths of chick-flick town. "Sometimes it is better to not be so selfish. He is better off." Dean started for the back door.

"You planning to brave the backyard again? I thought that you were trying to avoid Gabe." Anna said, and Jess stood too.

Jess spoke first, "Dean just found something in here that is scarier than Gabe, two women that want to talk about his feelings." She reached up and hugged Dean before he could escape. "You are loved, Dean. Stop avoiding all of us, okay."

Dean smiled at her, a half-hearted smile as he broke away. "I'll try." With that he slipped out into the back yard.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec. Thanks for feeling the feels for Cas and Dean. Thanks for all of the comments. I hope that you do survive it legsinger:) I feel kind of bad about what I have done to them. A year is a long time. So glad you liked the Pamela stuff, Valerie-Lynn and Mummabro. I have enjoyed finding ways to work in the characters from the show in weird ways. I am toying with bringing in Missouri Mosely, but I am still working that out.<br>**


	4. Chapter 4: Ziehen, Cas

Homework: Do something that can become a routine. Pick a hobby up that each of you will do together on a regular basis. It should be something that makes each of you feel safe. Report out on your choices at our next meeting.

Pamela Barnes

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><p>It was odd that Cas interpreted this homework assignment in the way that he did. They left Pamela's office and walked together through the square. On the opposite side of the street, Cas saw something that drew him. "Let's check that out, Lil." He pointed at the building that was across the way. He took her hand and they dashed across the street together. The early bite of autumnal air nipped at their cheeks as they made their way to the other side.<p>

"What is this?" Lil asked as they stood in front of the large stretch of windows. Inside were adults and children dressed in karate uniforms with belts of various colors.

Cas smiled and thought about how this might just fit the bill for the homework assignment. "I think that it is karate. If it is, it is a type of self-defense. They teach you how to move, and how to fight. Supposedly, it is good exercise too." He said the last bit in order to down play the part about fighting.

"It looks like fun." Lil was still holding his hand. He could feel her pulling him in the direction of the door to the studio.

"So, you are interested?"

"Can we try it?"

"We can. I am not sure how much of a commitment we will have to make, but I'm willing if you are." They went inside and waited in the corner, watching the leader call out moves to the students. They moved in sync and responded to his directions with additional synchronized shouts. Lil seemed to like that. She was practically vibrating in the seat beside him with what seemed to be a need to move.

At the end of the session, the students began making their way out of the studio. Some lingered and spoke with the teacher, but most just gathered their bags and left. Eventually, it was just Cas and Lil and the tall, middle-aged man with dark black hair tinged with grey at the temples. "Hello, my name is Aiden. What can I do for you two?" He stepped forward with purpose and raised a hand to shake.

Cas shook his hand and replied, "I'm Malcolm and this is my daughter, Lil. We're interested in joining your class."

Aiden came down to eye level with Lil and shook her hand. "So why do you want to do this little one?"

"It looks like fun. I like the pajamas." Lil was all smiles. Her usual shyness around strangers did not seem to be present in the moment. Cas was happy. Aiden led them to the back closet storage room and showed them the racks of uniforms. Row after row of white wrap-around tops and pants. On the opposite wall from the uniforms hung a rainbow collection of belts, hundreds of them. Aiden reached out and pulled down some pants and tops, one set small the other larger.

"Here. These should fit." He held them up and looked the two of them over. "Yeah, I think I have sized you both up. Now, if I haven't, just let me know and we'll adjust. You can come to the Tuesday sessions. I have openings then. Session starts at 5 and lasts an hour. Helps you build up an appetite for dinner."

"Sounds good. So we would start tomorrow then?" Cas took the uniforms and draped them over his arm.

"If you think that you are ready." Aiden smiled and directed them to the front of the studio. "I think that you two will like it. Tuesday's crowd is a nice mix of adults and their kids. It is sort of like the family class."

"Well, Lil and I will be here ready to go. Thanks so much for setting us up." They headed out the door. Lil was practically skipping at his side.

"Can I try on the outfit when we get home?"

"Only if you stay inside when you wear it. I don't want it to get all dirty."

"Okay." They made their way back to the car, feeling rejuvenated. Cas hoped that the feeling would carry Lil through the night, abating the fears that crept into her dreams.

He knew that he should not have let her, but he did it anyway. She was totally asleep in her new karate uniform. He didn't even have to fight her about bedtime. It was, in fact, the easiest bedtime that they had experienced. After one final look at Lil, Cas snatched his laptop off of the coffee table and walked out onto the front porch.

The night was a deep dark that could only be possible far from the city. The sky was speckled in stars and the lake glistened with moonlight. He took in a deep breath of crisp, cool air and let it out in a long sigh. His day had been long, but it had felt productive. He felt like he was making true progress with Lil. He felt like he was beginning to fix things for them both. He opened the laptop and the glow from the screen bathed him in an eerie blue glow.

He opened his browser and navigated to a proxy server. Next, he opened a video chat. The screen was dark at first, then there was Jess. "Hey, Cas. I wasn't sure if you were actually going to follow through."

"Hello, Jess. Yeah, I got a little held up with things today. Sorry about that. I hope you didn't feel like you had to wait too long." Cas leaned back against the wall a little and angled the screen a little better.

"It isn't often that I get a date arranged so far in advance. When you told me about this, I thought that it might fall through." She looked back over her shoulder. "Hey, should I get Sammy? He would probably want to say hi too."

"Not just yet. I wanted to ask about Dean. If Sam is here it might be awkward for him." Cas paused then continued, "So, how is he?"

"He has been holed up in his house or at work. We haven't seen much of him since you left. Sam's been trying to draw him out, but it hasn't been working." She paused then, seeming to consider just how much to share. "I'm worried about him. I don't think that he is okay."

Cas felt the weight of her words pressing in on his chest. It had only been a little over a month. _It has to get easier, right?_ "Has he been working on the case?"

"I don't know. We don't know. He doesn't talk about things with us. Bobby's been trying to keep him busy around the yard, but even that is not working. Jorge put Dean on desk duty. He is not one to revel in the joys of paperwork. I think that not getting out, not being active is increasing the depression." She ran her hand up through her hair. It was a gesture that he had seen both Sam and Dean make when they were frustrated.

"I wish that there was something that I could do."

"You should be having this conversation with him. I don't get why you two are cutting each other off. What is the point?" She waved her hand out emphatically as she asked the question.

"It's complicated, Jess."

"Well, uncomplicate it, Cas. Really, if you love someone, what reason could you possibly have to cut them out of your life so completely?"

"Look, I didn't do this to be cruel."

"No one is saying that you did, but really, you can't keep him out of your life like this. Reach out."

"If I do that, then he will never be able to move on." Cas was starting to feel like this wasn't a good idea, the communicating.

"And, why do we want that?"

"Lil and I will never be able to come back there, not safely anyway. And Dean may never solve this case. Look at how long it has been eating away at him. So, if he is stuck there and I am stuck here, then I can't be selfish and hold onto him. He needs to be free to find someone that can be there for him, really be there."

"And what if he doesn't want that. How long does he have to pine before you give up being a martyr and start talking to him?"

"He'll move on. It will just take time, and me not distracting him from opportunities." Cas let out a long held sigh. He heard something moving about behind Jess. Then he saw Sam's frame filling up the side of the screen. "Hey, Sam. Are you here to save me from all of Jess' harassment?"

"Not likely. I am sure that it is all well-deserved." Sam sat down next to Jess and she angled the computer a little to center it between them.

"Damn, no fair. Now it is two against one." Cas laughed a little.

"Wish you were here, Cas. We miss you. Dean misses you too." Sam looked sad. Cas couldn't fix that.

"I wish that I knew what to do to make this easier. I don't think that it can be easier. I miss him too. I miss all of you. Tell the gang that I miss them, will you?"

"I will. Do you want me to tell Dean too?"

"No. I don't want him to hang on to this. He doesn't need to hang on to this."

"Do you ever think about coming back?" Sam wrapped his arm around Jess then, like the thought of this separation between Cas and Dean could infect them too if he didn't hold on.

"Everyday, but I won't." He paused and added, "If it ever seems like Dean is ready to give up his mission there, and if he hasn't found someone new, help him get to me."

"He won't stop 'till this is done." Sam muttered. "I wish he would, but he won't."

"Well, I need to get some rest. Lil and I have karate practice tomorrow." Cas smiled. "Can you even picture it? Karate."

"I bet she looks adorable in the uniform." Jess smiled too.

"So, are you doing this too or is it just for Lil?" Sam asked.

"Both of us are doing this. It's a little bonding thing. Plus, I kind of like the idea of a little training in self-defense tactics. Anyway, should we do this again next month?"

"Of course, silly. It could be sooner if you wanted." Jess raised an eyebrow in another adopted Winchester move.

"For now, let's stick with the month. I love you guys. Please tell Gabe, Uriel, and Anna that I miss them."

"Will do," Sam said. "Talk to you in a month."

"Bye." Cas clicked the x in the corner and shut off the chat. He felt like he was more depressed now than when he began the conversation. He wondered if he would ever stop questioning the decision. He wondered if it would ever really feel okay. Then the quiet muttering of Lil in her sleep drew him back into the house. He took a seat at her bedside and waited for the moment when he knew she would wake up. He waited by her side and wished that he could fix it all and wondered if he was fixing anything.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**I am going to deviate from the publishing schedule this week due to Thanksgiving. I will post on Wednesday instead. Thanks for spreading the love of Cas, the King of Karaoke and the sequel. I appreciate it. Thanks EmmaGraceWinchester (love the name btw); I really appreciate the kind words. Thanks legsinger, I too enjoy the unintentional humor that is Gabe. Mummabro, you always seem to catch the things that are important. Thanks for that. Lastly, thanks so much Igniting for the awesomely kind words. I am still kind of surprised by all of the love that my little fic has received.**


	5. Chapter 5: Staccato, Dean

It wasn't like it was the first time that it had happened, but that fact did little to alleviate the guilt. Sometimes he wondered if he chose to live in certain ways so that he could wallow in his guilt, live in the depths of it, bathe in it until he was drowning. It is what I deserve. He told himself, whenever he started to question his choices. This choice too, was one that set him on a course. This choice made it damn near impossible for him to run off to Cas. Just chuck it all, make a new life, well, not now.

Anna's long red hair was a tangled mess beside him. Her face was pressed into the pillow, and her legs were stretched out over his own. He was preparing to get up. Normally, she would not still be here or he wouldn't. They did not have that kind of relationship. Their meet-ups were much more purposeful and temporary. In a rare moment of tenderness, Dean reached over and smoothed back her hair, remembering how it was his hand that tangled it up in a wild, desperate moment the night before. They had started in the cab. They always started in a cab. By the time they were in the apartment, their bodies were a mess of limbs and sweat and energy.

The first time that it had happened had been a few months after Cas had left. He beat himself up for it, for being so weak, so pathetic. They had been at a bar, of course. The whole group, minus Cas. It was an evening of nostalgia. They kept talking about him. Casual memories and stories that they held collectively. If he had known that the evening had been heading down that path, he might have reconsidered his early decision to attend. He had come for Sammy though. Sam had been sad the night before. He had tried to talk to Dean about it, but, for once, he failed at words just like Dean. He knew though, what Sam wanted to talk about. He knew how much he too cared about Cas. Dean thought that maybe Sam was trying to share something specific, but that he didn't know where to begin. Thus the failing communication. Thus Dean's desire to keep Sam company that night.

They all drank too much. Uriel and Gabe were nursing beers and playing pool. Sam was lingering with them. Eventually, Dean and Anna were squirreled away talking about Cas, about life, about stupid stuff that Dean didn't even remember anymore. Sam had called a cab for him, and he offered to share the fair with Anna. She lived closer to the bar, so they decided that he would stay at her place under the pretence of being closer to his car in the morning. As the cab drew closer to Anna's place, the vibe between them changed too. There had been a movement, subtle but clear in its intention. A joke had been made. Her hand had fallen on his thigh, lingered. Silence. A look. Then everything else.

He had left her place before sunrise. They didn't talk about it; it just was. He drank himself to sleep that night too. The hangover the following day was wicked and convinced him to curb his behaviors a little. He didn't see or speak with Anna again for nearly a month. Then a text came through. He replied. They met for beers after work. Beers turned into shots, turned into stories, turned into a cab ride to Anna's place again.

This was the way that he had made sure that he couldn't insert himself into Cas' world again. His actions were conscious and unconscious. Now, there was no chance that someone like Cas would want him. Cas would view this as a betrayal, because it was, is. Cas wasn't sleeping with any of Dean's friends. I don't have friends though, so there's that.

He wasn't entirely right, but that hardly mattered. What mattered was that Dean believed it, so the guilt and depression became the most present things in his day to day existence. His actions with Anna did not change his feelings for Cas; they just changed his level of hope. He had a bit of it once but not anymore.

He finally decided to disentangle himself from her and head over to the bathroom. They were at his place this time, so he felt less like a trespasser when he left the bed for another room. They had taken some time apart from each other after the last time. It had been months actually. He wondered what had prompted her to contact him. He always wondered. He never initiated any of the contacts. He just went along for the ride. He assumed that this last time came about because they had both been at Sam's place the night before. Information had been shared about Cas. This seemed to be the thing that often set the two of them off.

She had played off their connection at Sam's gathering. She had not wanted anyone to know that they had been together. He was fine with that. No sense dealing with that kind of conversation. He could just picture the looks that he would have to take from his brother and he shook his head as if to dislodge the stare down that was clear in his imagination.

He finished up in the bathroom and went back into the bedroom. Anna was up. She was dipped down at the side of the bed retrieving her clothes. "Hey, Dean. I'm heading out."

"Hmm. I guess I'll see you around." Dean saw her shirt on the other side of the bed. He went over to retrieve it for her. "Here, looking for this?"

"Thanks." She pulled it over her head. "Dean, what are we doing?"

"You tell me." Dean sat down on the edge of the bed and stared over at her.

"I was sad the first night and maybe a little lonely." She walked over and sat down next to him. "I don't know what is going on now. What is this for you?"

"You call. You text. I answer. This happens." Dean didn't want to sound cold, but it certainly came out that way. "I don't know what to tell you, Anna. This is not something that I was planning on doing."

"I guess that I just wanted to know what you felt about this? I know that you still love Cas. I just don't know what you think about us." She seemed to be uncomfortable asking.

"Cas has nothing to do with this." Dean shifted about a little.

"Cas has everything to do with this. We wouldn't have gotten together if it weren't for how much we were both missing him. I still miss him. I use to talk to him everyday, Dean. Everyday. Sometimes I have to stop myself, because I go to his office to talk. I still forget sometimes that he isn't there. Everyday I think things like, I wonder if Cas will go with me to lunch, or to some event or other. Then we had our little moment, and I forgot things for a bit. I found a distraction.

"Me too, I guess. Guilt is a pretty hefty distraction." Dean got up and started rummaging around in his dresser, looking for a pair of socks.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I want to believe that Cas would forgive us if he found out. I know that this isn't some kind of relationship. I just want to know how we deal with this. Is there an end or a plan at all in your head? I just need to make sure that we are on the same page." Dean came back over to the bed and sat back down. He put on his socks and seemed to be thinking through his response.

"We could just keep doing this. Why think about it too much, you know." Dean was trying to sound laid back.

Anna looked at him like she was seeing something else beneath his demeanor. "I don't think that this is good for you. I think that you are using me to beat yourself up. I think that when you are with me, that you are thinking of him, and that it is killing you." She got up and stood in front of him. She rested her hands on his shoulders. "You don't need to feel bad about it, Dean. I have been using you too. I really needed to stop hurting."

"Have you stopped hurting?" Dean could hardly look at her despite the fact that she was right in front of him.

"No, and I won't. I like you, a lot, Dean, but I think that maybe we need to stop doing this." Dean heard her, but she was sending out a different vibe with her body. He reached up to her and pulled her to him. She let him. He ran his hands down her sides and into her shirt. "I don't think that you were listening to me."

"I heard you." He kept up his movements. She let out a sigh and pulled his shirt off. And this was their relationship. Distraction, might be the better word. Neither one of them was happy, but at least for a few moments they could pretend to be, well, not happy, but at least, not alone.

Anna had left hours ago and his day had been full of nothing. He did research, but only half-heartedly. He cleaned up his place a little. He thought about the work day that he would be going into tomorrow. He was determined to get off of the desk duty. He was determined to get back to the case. He decided to work out a little. His leg needed to be in tip top shape if he was going to convince the doctor to sign off on his release form. He considered going for a run, but thought better of it. No sense in overdoing it. Instead he did some of the exercises that the physical therapist had prescribed. At least then I can say that I did them.

He spent an hour doing his exercises then rewarded himself with a microwave dinner and a beer. A job well-done. He plopped down at the dining room table with his meal and opened up his laptop across from him. He had too many tabs open on his browser and too many files open at once. He started sorting through them to gain some focus, closing the ones that he did not need. He clicked over to his email and saw a new message. It was from Sam. He opened it.

It was a forwarded message paired with a little note. I am forwarding you the message from Cas that I shared the other night. I think that you should have it because you will think about it and change it in your head. If you have it in front of you, then you won't be able to do that. Just so you know, he still loves you. Jess and I think that you are okay too. :)

Dean didn't want to revisit the message. It had been hard enough for him the first time when Sam had shared it, but of course, he did anyway. Cas had written one of those long letters that people sometimes did at the holidays. The kind where the family condenses a year's worth of activities into a single-paged light-hearted, humorous story. Cas was a good writer, and the group had laughed and smiled through the details.

Dean kept his emotions in check. He listened for the little details that he did not already know. Cas was careful though. He did not talk about people in his town by name, and he did not get too specific about their lives. He talked about how Lil got her next belt in karate. He talked about how great she was doing in school and how her teacher couldn't say enough nice things about her. He talked about himself only as it related to Lil and ended by saying how much he loved and missed everyone. It was more than Dean could handle. It felt too superficial and not at all like the kind of information that he really wanted. It didn't matter that he had Garth to feed him information. This information was coming directly from Cas, and it was lacking in substance. He had left Sam's gathering in a rush, making excuses. He had no need to rush off now, he only had to close the email. He couldn't though. He just kept rereading it, looking for more than was there.

He opened a new window in his email. He typed in Cas' email address. He wrote. I miss you. Always. And then he sent it. He immediately regretted it, but it was too late to fix it; the deed was done.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec. <strong>

**AN: So, now is where I say, I'm sorry. so sorry. I don't think that anyone, myself included, wants Dean with anyone but Cas, but it seems like he would make this choice since he does/did in the show. I hope I don't lose your readership because of this plot choice. **

**On another note, thanks for all of the kind words. I am almost overwhelmed by them. Cas, the King of Karaoke was a massive labor of love for me, and I still can't believe that it went over so well for others. It just hit 30k views the other day. A big 'ole thank you to my new reviewer Igniting for loving the fic and the treatment of the female characters. After last night's episode, I now want to have Hannah in the story, she grew on me fast. Thanks also to Mummabro, for all the great feedback, and I agree they are both wannabe martyrs. Thanks Taytay127 for all of the feedback, and so glad to hear from you again. I feel like I need to put Pamela in more scenes, but I haven't managed to work it out yet, but I am glad that you like her. Legsinger, I am most sorry about what I think this current chapter is doing to you, since you were so depressed after the last one. It is always darkest before the dawn (but the night is long in this case). Glad you liked the karate stuff too KatriRose and Mummabro. I don't have any immediate plans for it (more long range plans). I don't want the two of them to be weak, so this was a solution.**

**'Till next time...**


	6. Chapter 6: Staccato, Cas

**AN: Staccato is a musical term that implies that each note will be separated and detached. **

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><p>Dela and Lil were adding little sticks around the structures that they were putting up at the water's edge. They were beginning to look like tiny houses. The girls would bound back into the woods for more sticks and leaves, then back to the shoreline structures. The jogger was close now and he was slowing as he approached their property. Cas sipped at his cup of coffee and then reached down to the second mug at his feet and moved it over to the space on the step next to him that would soon be occupied.<p>

Carter came to a stop near the girls. Dela and Lil both stopped working for a second to acknowledge his presence. "Hi Mr. Barrowman." They said in unison. Dela actually bounced over to give him a hug before bounding back to her work.

"Hi, girls. What are you making?" He stooped down and gave a close look at the structures.

"Fairy houses," said Lil. "Do you like them?"

"They look very nice." He smiled over at Lil and she smiled back. Then he turned his gaze to Cas and his smile deepened. He stood and walked over to the step. Cas didn't get up. This was their routine. Carter would jog most of the circuit. Cas' place was ideally located at the midpoint of the route, so it only made sense for him to stop there for a break. The routine had changed subtly over time. At first, Carter would just pause for a few moments if Cas and Lil were outside. He might exchange a few words with Cas then go on his way. Later, Cas had offered him a cup of coffee. You can't have a cup of coffee without sitting for a spell. So coffee and conversation became the routine. Cas couldn't remember when he had started anticipating the visits, or when he had started bringing out the coffee in advance of Carter's arrival, but it now was just a thing that was done.

"So, how's the week treating you, Carter?" Carter dipped down and took the mug into his hands, cradling it between his two palms like it was a baby bird.

"Hmm. Typical, I guess." He lowered himself down to the step. It was not a wide step by any stretch of the imagination, but the two of them sat there anyway. Cas wasn't sure how this had become the routine. They were rather close to each other. Actually, they were pressed right up against each other. It didn't feel awkward though, just close.

"What do you mean by typical?" Cas tipped his head to the side in his usual quizzical fashion. Carter smiled at the look. His brown eyes caught the light in an amiable way.

"You know. The kids come in and are adorable. I read to them, do the art thing, and head home for some quality me time." He looked back at the kids. "I'm just bored with my evenings, I guess. The days are good though."

"Hmm." Cas sipped on his coffee knowing that the conversation could go somewhere pretty specific if he allowed it to do so. He did not want to do that so he tried to redirect. "Do you think that you might need some parent volunteer work this week?"

Carter didn't answer right away. He seemed to be processing the move to a new topic. "Sure, are you offering your services?" He drank his coffee down in a couple of gulps, nearly finishing the contents.

"Sure. What did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking that you could help me with some of the after school stuff. I need to preview the movie at the theater and decide whether or not we are going to go there for the field trip. We read the book, so I hope that it will be fun. I also need to have their work filed to go home in their take home folders." Carter paused a moment to finish off the last dregs of his coffee. "You think that you might be up for any of that?"

"I can definitely do the filing." Cas avoided the movie part. It sounded like a date, and he was trying to keep the request from happening in a more direct way.

"So, filing it is then. No movie?" Carter sounded a little different when he asked the question. Almost like he felt a little let down.

"Nah, I don't do the babysitter thing with Lil, so it couldn't possibly work. Plus, I'll likely go with you as a chaperone, so I don't want the story to get spoiled." Cas smiled back at him and reached out for his mug. "Let me get you another cup of coffee."

"That's okay. I think that one cup will do." He handed Cas the mug anyway. "You know, you can always bring her with you to the movie. Then you wouldn't need a sitter."

"True, but then she would end up seeing it twice. It might make you seem like you are playing favorites." Cas stood with the mugs and Carter stood too.

"Maybe I am." He reached over and ran his hand up Cas' arm. Cas dipped his head a little to hide the color seeping into his cheeks.

"Mr. Barrowman." The girls called out in unison. "Come look at the fairy house. We finished it." Carter moved away from Cas and headed over to the girls. Cas walked into the house set the mugs in the sink and walked back to the front door. He peered out at Carter talking to Lil. He placed his hand on her head and smiled. She seemed comfortable with him. Cas liked that she was opening up more to people. Dr. Barnes' homework assignments and therapy seemed to be fixing much. He wondered if he should let himself get a little fixed up too. He watched as the girls did a little dance around the shore. Carter clapped his hands for them and then they came back to pull him into their frivolity.

Cas wondered how long he would go along with their play. He thought that maybe he should save him, let him get back to his run. Instead he leaned into the doorframe and just watched through the screen door. Sometimes he prayed, not to God or to angels, but he did pray. Usually, he sent out a thought or two to Meg. He would tell her some small detail about Lil, or he would tell her other random tidbits about his day. It had become a habit. He sent out a little prayer now, as he stood looking at the way the kids happily played with Carter. _Looks like kids are my Achilles' Heel too, Meg._ Then somehow, that one thought triggered another thought, and he felt the overwhelming desire to look back at the evidence from Meg's hidden box. He had given the box and its contents to Dean, but he had kept pictures of the documents on his computer. It was odd to have that thought come out of nowhere after over a year of pushing aside all of that past.

He was about to start digging out his laptop when he looked back out the door at Carter and the girls. They were spinning around in their own version of ring around the rosies, chanting something about fairies. _Clearly, I have to save you._ Cas thought as he caught Carter's eye, but then Carter broke away and strode over to Cas.

The girls kept up their dance as though Carter was never there. Cas stepped back from the door, further into his house as Carter mounted the steps. He reached out to the screen door, opened it, and slipped inside. He moved into Cas' space and pressed him against the wall. He did not wait for permission. He kissed Cas. At first Cas did not respond. He let the kiss happen, though. He let Carter run his hands up into his hair as he pressed closer to Cas' body. Cas was about to respond. Something in him wanted this. He was lonely. Carter was kind, attractive in that athletic way that would have been enough if he had only met him before. The thought invaded his mind, _Dean._ It was impossible to respond to Carter with Dean on his mind. He stepped to the side and Carter released him.

"Did I misread you?" Carter tried to maintain contact, but Cas moved away more fully.

"A little." Cas couldn't look at him.

"A little?" Carter repeated the words, a whisper with an uptick in the tone.

"Yes, a little." Cas still couldn't look at him.

"What about the part that didn't misread you?" He reached out and cupped Cas' chin in his hand, forcing him to look into his eyes.

"I like you. You're great in every way, but."

"How did I know there was going to be a but in that sentence?" Carter didn't release Cas chin yet, but instead fell to running his thumb back and forth along his jawline.

"I'm in love with someone else." Cas reached up and gently lifted Carter's hand from his face. He kissed his fingers lightly in a kind of sympathetic move that caused Carter to pull away.

"I'm sorry Malcolm. I really thought that we were on the same page. Everything seemed to be clicking, you know." He was edging toward the door.

"I hope that this doesn't make things awkward." Cas followed Carter out the door.

"How could it not? Don't take this the wrong way, but I will likely not be seeing you for a bit. Man's gotta have some dignity." He sent a wry half smile Cas' way and then stalked out the door away from him. The slap of the screen door punctuated the departure. A few steps from the porch and he began his jog again, away from Cas. The girls called out goodbye and he sent back a casual wave over his head without turning back. Cas felt bad. He felt like he had made a mistake.

He felt like he was bumbling through the rest of his day. He eventually drove Dela home. He made dinner for he and Lil. He played a game of _Sorry _with her before bed. As he tucked her into bed he thought of the week's homework assignment from Pamela. He reached over to Lil's nightstand and flipped over the notecard.

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><p>Homework: Share your best memory of Lil's mom each night before bed. Each person tells a short story about her. Report out at our next meeting.<p>

Pamela Barnes

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><p>"So do you want to tell a story first or should I?" Truth be told, Cas was running out of stories. He talked too much on the first nights and felt like he was running out of things to say that were only good. The two of them had some pretty awful moments together toward the end.<p>

Lil yawned and said, "We went on a vacation once. I got tan."

Cas smiled down at her. He hadn't heard this story. She never shared about much that was big. It was always some little domestic tale. Some of her stories were starting to sound foggy, like she was mixing up vague details from the past with things that she and Cas had experienced in their new town. Memories are funny like that, especially for kids. "Where did you go on vacation?"

"We went to Mexico. Mom's job sent her there for free, a reward or something like that. She didn't have to work when we were there. We went to the beach and to shops that had a bunch of neat stuff. I got Dolly Mad there." She was referring to her well-loved, yet thoroughly mangled looking old doll. Cas thought that the name was supposed to be some sort of a reference to Dolly Madison, the former first lady, but that seemed odd. Regardless, the doll did look mad. It had once had curly dark hair on its head, but now it just had frizz. Its dress was a patchwork of dirt and off-white lace. The body was stuffed cloth. The face was porcelain. She had it in her arms each night as she went to sleep. He had worried once that she would break it during one of her night terrors, but miraculously, that hadn't happened. She did not have night terrors anymore, so he was less worried now about the prospect of the doll breaking and cutting her.

"How long did you get to stay there?"

"A long, long time. Maybe a month."

"Really? That seems like a long time. You sure it wasn't just a week or two?"

She looked at him and said, "What do I know? I'm just a kid." She giggled a little. It was something that they said sometimes to each other, only Cas would say _What do I know? I'm just an old man._ He laughed at her and wondered, not for the first time, how he could have such a wonderful creature to call his own.

"Maybe we should go somewhere like that for our next vacation." Cas thought back to their summer vacation. It had been a homework assignment from Pamela. She had told them to go somewhere touristy for a week, someplace new to both of them. This led them to Disneyland. It was their first time out of Jacksonville since they had moved there. Cas wasn't sure which mode of transportation to take on the vacation. He had picked up an old jeep from a local man. The price was right, when he bought it in the winter. The Triumph was not a good mode of transportation during the snowy season. When they planned their trip, he considered taking the bike, but he couldn't see a way to tie down their suitcases, so the jeep won.

"Maybe we should go back to Disneyland again. I can get a tan there." Lil pasted on a smile and a look that was pure child charm.

"Are you trying to look all cute so that I do your bidding?"

She laughed at him. "Yep. So, Disneyland?" She tilted her head like Cas sometimes did.

"You are manipulative, my little munchkin." He reached down and tickled her sides, wiping the goofy expression from her face as she burst into a more uncontrolled bit of laughter.

"Dad!" She twisted about laughing. Cas stopped and chuckled at her. _Great job, Cas now you have her all wide awake. Oh, well._

"Sorry. I just saw tickle ribs and couldn't stop myself." He loomed toward her again, but didn't tickle her.

"So, Disneyland?" She was determined; he had to give her that.

"I don't think that I can compete with Mexico. That sounds like it was really fun." It was the beginning of a redirect.

"It was, mostly fun." Her look changed. He wondered if he should pursue it. These stories were supposed to be light and happy.

He pursued it though, "What do you mean when you say _mostly fun_?" She looked at him funny when he asked. "I mean, was some of it not fun?"

"Just the end."

"Because you didn't want to leave?"

"No. A man came to see us. Mom didn't like him. He tried to talk to me at the beach, but mom stopped him, and we left right after." Lil was curling up a little on herself beneath the blankets. The happy vibes of a few moments ago seemed to be slipping away.

He didn't want to stir up too much, but he wanted to, no, needed to know. "Who was he? What did he say to you?"

"I don't really remember." She was smoothing Dolly Mad's frizz with her hand, but it would not be tamed. "He sounded funny. He was hard to understand."

"Did he speak Spanish?"

"No. He just sounded funny, different. He wasn't tan like everyone else. He had blonde hair like mine."

"Hmm." Cas wondered how much he should pursue this. It sounded important. "What did your mom say to him?"

"She was angry. She told him to get away from me. She told me to get behind her. He didn't do anything. He just said that it was good to see us. He told mom that he hadn't seen her since she was a baby."

"I wonder how he randomly came across you two on a beach in Mexico. That seems odd." The question wasn't really for Lil, but he said it out loud none the less.

"He said that he was the one that got us the vacation." Lil looked confused. "I always thought that he was lying though because mom said that it was a vacation that work got us."

"And you don't remember him saying who he was? Or maybe your mom said who he was."

"He said he was family, I think. Mom didn't want to talk about him. I asked her stuff, but she just ignored me and packed us up to leave."

"Did he follow you back to the hotel?"

"No. Mom was watching everything, though. She didn't like him. When we got home, she told me that if I ever saw him, that I had to tell her right away. I never saw him. Mexico is really far away, so I don't think that he will be around." Cas could see her eyes slowly drooping.

He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "That's true. Mexico is pretty far away, but if you do ever see him, tell me. I am curious about this mystery person." He tried to shift the tone to something less scary in his last sentence.

"Ummhuh." Lil muttered out her agreement as sleep started to wash over her. Cas got up and slowly walked out of the room.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**Glad you all got through the last chapter. Thank you all for the reviews on the last chapter. Welcome back smalls907. I added some Pamela into a future chapter (a bit more than I had planned but it really worked out). You'll see that in about 3 more chapters. Thank you KatriRose, YoungHopeful, Mummabro, taytay127, and legsinger for supporting me in my Anna/Dean plot line despite the problems it poses for his path to Cas. Also, so glad to have a new follower Chris1995; thanks for the nice review. Lastly, Igniting, I'm sorry for the suffering. Thanks for the trust.**

**BTW, I have enjoyed following you all on Tumblr. Love all of the Misha pics and social activism. If anyone else wants to find me there, I am spearywritesstuff. 'Till next time.**


	7. Chapter 7: Détaché, Dean

****AN: Détaché is the act of playing notes separately.****

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><p>His sleep the night before had been horrible. He drank more than he should have and woke up to a hangover. His head was swimming, and he had a meeting with the physical therapist that he needed to deal with. <em>Get it together Winchester. Fuck, fuck, fuck.<em> He stumbled around his apartment, trying to focus on the basic tasks of getting dressed for work. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He opened them back up quickly, "Now that was no bueno." The world was spinning a little.

After he got dressed he made his way into his kitchen. There would need to be coffee, copious amounts of coffee. He overloaded the machine with grounds. _This will be life saving, world fixing mud._ His little world was still a bit dizzy. He set the coffee to brew and looked over at his laptop on the table. He did not want to look into it. He worried over what the message had done the night before. _What if there is a message from Cas?_ Worse yet, _What if there isn't?_ He sucked in a breath and walked over to the laptop. He opened it and started up his email. No new messages. He felt his muscles ease up a little. The tension that was possessing him slipping away a little. _Better than wondering if he still cared._

He closed the lid a little roughly and marched back into the kitchen for coffee. He drummed the counter rapidly, feeling the drag of time pulling at his patience. The burbling and dripping of the machine was tapping at his nerves.

He pulled out his travel mug, and when the coffee finished it's brewing cycle, he quickly filled it. His phone buzzed on the counter. He snatched it up with his one free hand and looked at the message. It was from Sam. _Don't be mad Dean. Let's talk. _Dean tipped his head back as if he were asking the heavens, why. _Does everything have to be discussed in such exhausting detail? God, Sam._ So what if he stormed off from Sam's house. So what if he didn't reply to the email. It doesn't mean that he is mad or in need of a Sam Winchester therapy session.

Dean closed the phone back up and slipped it into his pocket. He didn't need to talk. He walked past the hall mirror and finally got a good look at himself. _Oh, God. _The side of his neck was sporting a tell tale sign of last night's activity. He decided to add his coat to his day's attire despite the likelihood of a warm day. He pulled up the collar. It almost covered the hickey at the base of his neck. _God, Anna. What are we teenagers?_ He couldn't really be mad though, since he did nothing to stop it when it was happening.

He glanced back at the clock knowing that he would be late if he didn't leave now. The ribbing he would receive from his colleagues might be avoided if he could just keep to himself.

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><p>The meeting with the doctor went well, surprisingly well. He carried in his hand the note that said he was all clear. He had every intention of marching right into Jorge's office the moment he got to the station.<p>

The universe had different plans. Jorge was at his desk instead, "A little birdy told me that you got the all clear from Dr. K."

"Wow, news travels fast." Dean smirked. Jorge slapped him on the back and motioned to his office.

"I can only say good timing." Dean tilted his head to the side.

"What's up?" They entered his office and Dean noticed that they were not alone.

The woman seated at the side of Jorge's desk stood a little timidly and approached him. She extended a hand to him. "You must be Mr. Winchester."

"Yes, and you are?" He shook her hand, and Jorge directed them both to a seat before closing the office door. Jorge walked over to his desk and took a seat as well.

"This is Emma Wesson. She came in today to share some information that she said will interest you a great deal." Jorge nodded over at her and said, "So, why don't you tell Mr. Winchester, here, your story. And, like I said before, you don't need to worry. He is trustworthy."

Emma looked familiar. She was older, maybe fortyish. Her hair was a mousey brown color with grey highlights at her temples and along her part. She looked tired, her eyes framed with tiny wrinkles that showed up when she squinted over at Dean. "Well, I must begin by telling you what I told Mr. Ruiz here. I'll deny everything that I am about to tell you if it leaves this room. I can't risk my family. It's the reason that I haven't spoken out before. I was told that I should seek you out, tell you my story. I wouldn't even tell Mr. Ruiz the story."

She looked steadily at Dean, waiting for an acknowledgement. He nodded and said, "Okay. Who sent you to me?"

"That's not important. What is important is what I know." She paused for a moment and Dean nodded again in encouragement. "So, I was a juror about a year and a half ago. It was the Brady case that you may have seen in the news." She waited for Dean to show that he was following. He tilted his head to the side, processing the information. He was more than following. He knew why her face had looked familiar. She was in M's file box. He had seen her face staring up at him from the photograph numerous times, but now she looked back at him, older and far more troubled.

"You were the forewoman. Am I correct?"

She looked startled by his knowledge. "Yes."

"I have been working a case that is possible connected to that trial. Please proceed. You have my full attention."

She began again, this time with less stumbling. "Like I was saying, I was a juror, and the case seemed to be going down a predictable path. Mr. Brady seemed to be guilty. The fraud was obvious. The night before the verdict, though, everything changed. A man came to my house in the night. He threatened my son and my daughter. He injected my daughter with something. He said that if we found Mr. Brady innocent, then he would visit us again with an antidote. I tried to explain that I was only one person, that there were other jurors. He said that the others were being visited too. I didn't realize it at the time, but we all had children. It's odd that not a one of us was childless."

"What happened to your child? Did he come back?" Dean leaned forward in his seat.

"He did. Margaret is fine. It was scary though, for all of us. To this day, we don't know what they did to our kids."

"Would you recognize the man if you saw a picture of him?"

"Yes, I'll never forget his face. He was sitting next to Lucky Crowley in the back of the courthouse, watching us as we turned in the verdict."

"Did you have any dealings with Mr. Crowley?" Dean was trying to connect the dots, but he wasn't quite seeing it all.

"No, I have never met him. I have not seen him since the night that he cured my daughter. I worried that she would have something in her now, something that would linger and kill her later. I took her to specialists, and they said that she was fine. I'm not sure if they would see it though. They injected her with something special, something new."

"Now, don't take this the wrong way, but why come forward now?" Jorge interjected. He looked down at his phone and then flipped it over on his desk.

"I live in fear everyday that he'll come back, finish the job. I have panic attacks just from going outside. It is constant. I have to do something." She covered her face in her hands and seemed to shake into sobs.

Dean looked over at Jorge and seemed to ask, _what now._ "Ms. Wesson, do you have any proof of what happened?"

She looked up and said, "No. What proof could I have?"

Dean stood up. "Wait here a sec." He stepped out of the room and went to his desk. He rummaged around in the drawers for a few moments before coming upon the right folder. He pulled it out and went back to Jorge's office. He walked over to Emma while pulling out a picture. "Is this the man that came to your home?" He held out the picture to her.

She leaned away from it the moment that he presented it to her. "Yes, yes. That is him." Dean turned with the picture toward Jorge and showed him who it was.

"Hmm, that guy gets around a lot for a dead man," Jorge said.

"Well, he wasn't dead then." Dean said with derision. "And his brother certainly isn't dead. This could be just the break we needed in this case."

"I don't see how." Jorge was looking back and forth between Dean and Emma. "If we have no evidence, it will just be her word against, well frankly, I am not even sure whose."

"Lucky's maybe. I don't know, but there is something here." Dean reached over to the table and flipped over one of Jorge's business cards. He scrawled his name and number on the back and said to her, "Take this. If you think of anything else or if you see anything out of the ordinary, call me, day or night."

She took the card and nodded to him. "Thank you for believing me. I didn't think that anyone would." She stood and carefully slipped the card into her purse. Jorge came around and shook her hand and so did Dean.

"We'll be in touch." Jorge said as he led her out the door. He came back to Dean and said, "So, are you on this?"

"I am, but I don't know what to do with the information. You said that it was going to be impossible to prove anything."

"Well, that's where you get to try to use some of that Winchester magic. Get out there. Look into it. Tell me what you find." He clapped Dean on the back, directing him toward the door. "Welcome back to the real world. Go get us a bad guy." Dean smiled at that and headed out the door.

* * *

><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**Thanks for all of the feels in the last chapter. Some of you have worried that I have forgotten about Dean's message to Cas. I haven't. Cas just hasn't checked his email yet. Silly Cas. Maybe next chapter;) Thanks Igniting for seeming to love everything. You are too kind. So glad that you saw Cas' struggle with Carter as I intended it to be legsinger. I hope that my tumblr post didn't spoil too much;) Mummabro, your comment got me thinking of ways to work more Meg into the story. This should be impossible, but, I think that I made it happen. You'll have to let me know in about twelve chapters. Much love to you all. I honestly can't wait until the mid-season finale. Finally getting to see Dean and Cas in the same space... All I can say is, it's about time.**


	8. Chapter 8: Détaché, Cas

_To sleep, perchance to dream._ Cas thought as he left Lil's room. Thoughts of her blonde haired relative floating around in his head. He had planned to do a little research, but his head was already swimming with exhaustion. He had not done anything too grand during the day, but tomorrow was going to be epic. The sheer coordination that he would have to employ to make everything happen when it should was taxing while at the same time comforting. He liked having easy to follow patterns and expectations.

He curled up into his bed and stared up at the richly colored wood slats that made up his ceiling. He thought about the pattern that would be tomorrow. He would wake up and get Lil off to school. He would then go to the legal aid office. After a few hours there, he would be able to justify a lunch break. He would next find himself in the Music Depot for his afternoon lesson with Julia. After school, he planned to drag Lil back to the Music Depot where he intended to help Nelly, the owner, set up for the little recital that she had the kids put on for the parents each year. Some of his students would be in it, so he was a little nervous about the way that they would be received.

All in all, it seemed like it would be a very full day. His phone was on the nightstand beside his bed. The message light was flashing so he turned it on to check it. He had only given out the number to a couple of people, so he didn't have to wonder too hard about who had texted him. It was from Carter.

Will you still be coming in tomorrow to file the kid's work?

He sent off a quick reply. Yes. Unless you would rather that I didn't.

He wasn't sure if Carter would feel too uncomfortable. He planned to talk with him. Truth be told he felt guilty about the way that things had gone that day. He hadn't exactly encouraged the advance, but he hadn't discouraged it either.

Of course I want you to show up. Less work for me. _Clearly, he was trying to lighten the mood._

Well, then I will be there. I think that skipping parent volunteer hours is the sure path to Hell. :)

You volunteer more than the others.

I enjoy it.

I'm sorry about earlier.

Don't be.

I am.

We should talk, but not right now. I need sleep.

Okay. I have literally spent all day beating myself up for my behavior. I was pretty worried that you wouldn't want to talk with me again.

Well, I am still talking with you, and I don't see that changing. Now let me sleep. Some of us have to work tomorrow.

What are you implying? I work way harder than you. ;)

Ha, you get to play with kids. ;)

You suck.

Wow, language.

On that note, I guess I'll see you tomorrow afternoon.

Cas typed in his goodbye, glad that things seemed to be a little smoothed over. He wondered how much he could explain. He wondered if he could talk about Dean without revealing too much.

He closed his eyes against the night and let his mind drift off over the next day and into dreams.

* * *

><p>Getting Lil off to school was the easiest part of the day. He decided to take the Triumph. He and Lil strapped on their helmets and climbed on. She had her little backpack on, all filled with her kindergarten paraphernalia. He dropped her off with a quick kiss and just enough time to spare for a stop off at his usual coffee haunt.<p>

Garth was leaning against the counter his usual bored expression full on his face. He looked up at the sound of the door and saw Cas. "Hey, Malcolm." He seemed to visibly brighten as Cas walked up to place his order.

"Hey yourself. How was your weekend?" They had a comfortable banter that caused Cas to count Garth among his small handful of local friends. He was, perhaps, one of his first friends here in Jacksonville.

"Eh, you know. The usual. I did take in a movie."

"Really. What did you see?" Cas pulled out a couple of bills and plunked them on the counter as Garth got his coffee and muffin ready. He never had to explicitly state his order, Garth already knew it.

"Oh, it was a midnight showing of _An American Werewolf in London._ They're doing a bunch of oldies this month. Mostly horror, kinda in honor of Halloween." Garth came around the counter with his own coffee and joined Cas at one of the tables. The place was pretty empty. Most of the morning crowd would have already headed off to work.

"I never pegged you for a horror fan. You seemed kind of like a drama guy." Cas smiled across the table and then sipped at his coffee.

"Yeah, I'm not, much for horror, but this one's different. I remember seeing it when I was younger. I was on an amazing date with this girl, and this movie is all tied up in that memory for me."

"What happened with the girl?"

"Life. I was young. We both just moved on. No big." Garth gulped down a bit of the coffee. He looked a little like a sad dog. His eyes were overly large and when he wasn't paying attention, his mouth hung down in a lazy droopy way. Cas found him endearing, but certainly not attractive.

"You coming to the recital later?" Cas redirected.

"Yeah, Nelly asked me to man the lighting and the sound board."

"Nice. I am a little nervous about it." Cas picked at his food a little. The carrot muffin was pocked now with missing chunks that had gone into his mouth.

"Why? I hear that you have done some great stuff with your students."

"It's easy to earn that reputation when you don't have to show it off to anyone."

"You'll do fine. Stop worrying."

"Today is going to be like that. Just worry, worry, worry."

"Just the recital, or do you have something else plaguing you?" Garth leaned forward with the question, balancing his elbows on the table with his coffee mug cupped between his hands.

"Hmm. To share or not to share, that is the question." Cas gulped down the last of the coffee, unhappy with the fact that he could no longer hide behind the mug.

"Whatever, Shakespeare, dish." Garth laughed at him.

"So, I am going to be completely vague here, but just go with it okay." Cas waited for Garth's nod then continued. "So someone may have kissed me yesterday, and I kind of rebuffed that advance. Now I have to try to be all, _no big deal, let's be friends, and stuff_ without sounding like a complete jerk."

"Who was it?"

"Nope. You don't get that detail." Cas didn't want to out Carter as he was pretty sure that he was not big on the sharing of his private life. Plus, withholding his name felt less gossipy.

"Let me guess, Carter?" Garth bored into his head with his stare, trying to read him, but Cas was good at covering.

"Guess all you want, you won't get anything out of me."

"Well, it had to be him. He's the only one that you spend any time with really. Well, you hang with me, but I know that I wasn't busting a move." He laughed at Cas a little. "You don't have to admit that it was him, but I totally know."

"I'm not admitting anything. Anyway, now I have to make sure to keep things all comfortable and such."

"Are you actually uninterested? I mean, why not go for it?"

"I love somebody else." Cas thought about ending the conversation with a swift excuse, but he didn't. He just continued to pick at the last of the muffin.

"That's legit. Did you tell Carter that?"

"I told the person that kissed me that. By the way smooth." Cas laughed at Garth's attempt to trick him.

"You know me, smooth like Sunday morning."

"Are Sunday mornings smooth?"

"Totally, Mal, totally." Garth leaned back to show just how laid back he could be. The door opened and in walked a new customer. Garth got up. "Well, duty calls. Talk to you later."

Cas got up and headed out the door with a wave. "See you tomorrow."

* * *

><p>Cas walked out of the coffee house and crossed the street over to the legal aid office. He believed that he would have two appointments to keep before he could head over to the school for his volunteer hour in Lil's class. <em>Or maybe I will just have to get done later. <em>He walked in through the tall glass doors into a spacious lobby filled with old leather sofas and glass coffee tables. His first appointment was sitting there waiting for him.

"Hey Mr. Jameson. You're early." Cas walked past the couch and added, "You want to follow me back to my office?"

"Sure, Malcolm. Thanks for seeing me today." He was a tall man with weathered skin. He had a small ranch on the edge of town. He boarded horses and he sold them too. He was currently having issues with a couple of families in town. Turned out that they wanted to board their horses at Jameson's place, but when they eventually grew tired of being horse owners they tried to pay him for the boarding by just giving him their horses.

The office that Cas was working in was small and could barely be called more than a closet. He set down his bag and the two of them took their seats. Jameson laid out the details of the boarding agreement, showed Cas the contracts, and the printed emails that lead to the current situation. "So, have they offered up any other alternatives, like selling the horses to pay you?"

"Oh, no. They seem to think that this would be too much work for them. Guess that it is not too much work for me though. So, how do we proceed?" His voice was harsh like crushed rocks in a blender.

"I'll draft up a letter for you and we may be looking at you going to the small claims court. In the meantime, we can minimize your losses by trying to sell the horse. You can put up a couple of ads and see what comes of it."

"Shouldn't be my responsibility."

"True, but you don't want to get stuck with too much of a bill here. Small claims court will only get you so much." Jameson nodded at Cas' assessment and agreed to the plan that Cas had laid out for them. He left, seemingly satisfied.

His next appointment was with Bridget and her current husband Tom. They were negotiating their divorce. It was mostly amicable. Cas felt like he was only there to act as a friendly audience member in their on-going act. He had drawn up some of their preliminary agreements and after each meeting he would have to go back and do it all again. He wondered if they were purposefully drawing it all out. _Likely_.

He got them out by a quarter to twelve and felt a sense of satisfaction at his speedy work. Next up, lunch and a mad dash to the Music Depot.

* * *

><p>The store had a stage like set-up along the back wall and Nelly was already having her guys move the furnishings around so that she could accommodate the rows of folding chairs. "Hey Nelly." Cas called over the stacks of furnishings. "How am I supposed to have lessons with all of this going on?"<p>

"Oh, hey, Malcolm. I know, it's crazy huh?" She turned away from him with a swish of her long grey hair. Her slender figure floated away from him like she was hearing music in her head even now. She called back over her shoulder though, "You're a smart man though. I'm sure that you'll figure it out."

Cas saw Julia sitting off to the side with her music books on her lap. She wanted to go over her piece about two hundred times before tonight's recital. She had a free period at the school which gave her about forty-five minutes to play her music. She was nervous. She asked Cas to play the song first, so that she could take it in. She was fidgeting nervously while Cas sat at the piano. She was thirteen, a young freshman at the local high school. Cas remembered the first time that they had worked together. She would not play the piano if he was too obviously looking at her. It took weeks to get to a comfortable place, but now she trusted him.

She pulled her hoodie up over her head and sat on the piano bench next to him. Tonight was a big deal for her. She wanted to push herself. She picked a song from Lady Gaga and she intended to sing it too. Cas had said that it would be enough to just play the song. She shouldn't feel like she had to go all in, but secretly he was pretty happy. She was talented, and her voice was shockingly good. She decided to play the song "Speechless" and Cas had come to know the song quite well over the course of their many practices. Even Lil had started humming along and eventually singing the lyrics at some of their practices.

He played through the song, and she sang a little at his side, quiet at first, then louder. The next pass through and she took over the playing too. Cas sat back and smiled. Her hoodie had fallen back while she was playing, revealing her pale, angular features, framed by her dark black hair. The edges of her hair were colored a fiery red today. Sometimes she changed it up. Cas thought that the red was a good sign, like she was picking a color that made her stand out. She looked over at him. "Well, what do you think?" She pulled the hood back up over her head.

"Obviously, I love it. You are absolutely ready for tonight." He smiled and said, "You've got time for one more run through before I have to go to Lil's school. You want to give it one last try before tonight?"

She looked at the keys then at Cas. "How 'bout a duet?"

"I'm not the one that is going to be on stage tonight, so I hardly see the point in that."

"Well, it will set me at ease, so you should just do this for me." She threw a half smile his way.

"Now, how could I say no to that?" He smiled back and he raised his hands to the keys.

He played out the notes and Julia began the song. In the second verse she stopped singing and took over the playing. Cas sang out the lyrics. They did a kind of back and forth thing with the lyrics, singing together when they hit the chorus. Their voices worked well together, and they didn't notice the way that the room around them had grown quiet during their duet. When they finished, Cas looked out at the quiet room and saw that Nelly and all of her helpers had stopped working to listen to them perform.

"That was amazing, you two. Will we hear that again tonight?" Nelly positively beamed at them.

"Well," Cas started, "You will get to hear Julia here. I am going to send out positive vibes from the audience."

Julia was gathering her music book off of the piano and her messenger bag from the floor. "He is good, huh? I don't think that he knows it." She said to Nelly.

"I know. It is weird how talented people sometimes just don't see it." Nelly replied with a look over at Cas that seemed to say more. "You are quite good, Julia. I look forward to hearing you again tonight."

"I hate to sing and run, ladies, but I have to get to Lil's school for my volunteering commitments. I'll see you all back here tonight."

"Bye, Malcolm." They said in unison as he gathered his stuff and rushed off.

* * *

><p>Lil's classroom was filled with song today. He walked in to the tune of <em>Chica Chica Boom Boom <em>being sung by the pile of kindergarteners and Carter. Carter gave him a little nod as Cas slipped into the back of the room where the folders and papers were stored.

He began filing all of the little drawings and adorable papers filled with child printing. He ran a hand slowly over one of Lil's pieces and saw that she had drawn a picture of him at their house. It made him happy to see the smiles on their characters. She was doing so well here. He could see her finally losing some of the old fears that had so consumed her life before. He hadn't noticed the end of the kid's song until there was a presence at his side. He looked down. "Hey, munchkin. Are you supposed to be back here?" He bent down and scooped her into a hug despite any possible rule breaking that was taking place.

"It's okay. Mr. Barrowman said I could. You like my picture?" Cas stood back up and looked at the picture that he had been admiring.

"Of course. It's great. This one's definitely going on the wall."

"I gave you a green shirt, because you said that it was your favorite color." She smiled at him before turning to go back to her seat. "Make sure that you say goodbye before you leave."

"Silly, you are going to leave with me when I go."

"Oh, is it that late?"

"Yes, now go back to class, while I finish this." He shooed her away and she laughed at him.

Carter came over and stood next to him as he filed. "So, how are you doing?"

Cas laughed a little. "Well, if you are going to hover while I file these, I will have to wonder what my purpose is." He cast a glance next to him at Carter's face. He looked a little too serious. Small wrinkles appeared at the corners of his eyes, giving him a slightly older look. His blonde hair was getting a little long and was falling just a bit in front of his face.

"Oh, well, I'll just let you get back to it. Sorry." He started to walk away, but Cas caught his arm.

"I was joking. I would like to think that we can still do that." Carter looked down at Cas' hand on his arm and Cas suddenly felt like he was invading Carter's personal space a little too much. "Sorry." He dropped his hand.

"No, I'm sorry. I just seem to be determined to make us awkward." He shuffled about a little.

Cas reached back out to him, resting his hand back on Carter's arm. "Let's just try to forget about the other day, okay? I don't want you to feel weird about it. I want us to be able to still talk and such. I would miss that if you just up and disappeared on me."

Carter looked at him, and it was a sad look that Cas read in his eyes before he spoke. "Okay, Mal. I'm not going anywhere." He looked over at the kids and seemed to realize that he needed to get back to them. "Well, actually I am going to have to leave you now. Oh, the irony." He forced the smile, and Cas laughed at him a little as he left with a mock bow. Maybe it won't take so much work to repair this friendship.

* * *

><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Thank you all for your continued reviews and such. You will get an answer to your question about Dean's email to Cas tomorrow. You have all been so patient. Sorry about the wait;)**


	9. Chapter 9: Duets, Dean

He had heard the sound of the crash before he had fully left Jorge's office. It was right in front of the station. He and the other officers in the main room ran over to the window to see the accident below. A large, dark blue Dodge Ram had hit a person. He left the window in a rush and, taking the stairs two at a time found himself out on the street. The truck had already slammed away from the scene. Several officers were checking the woman that lay bloody on the street. Dean looked down at her face and saw that it was Emma. "Goddamn it!" He did not linger. He ran over to his car and tore off in the direction that he thought that the truck had gone.

The Impala's tires screeched around the first corner as he overcorrected a little. He pulled out his phone and called Jorge. Jorge answered on the first ring. "Where the Hell did you go?"

"I'm going after him. I saw the truck and I am going to find it."

"I've put out the call. Be careful, and call in if you see anything." Jorge hung up then and Dean tossed the phone on the seat next to him. He was driving on instinct; he couldn't possibly figure out where the truck had gone. He just knew that it couldn't have gotten far yet.

"Come on, come on. Just once let's have something work out." Dean prayed out to no one in particular. He was starting to lose the adrenaline that had made him drive off, and reason was starting to take over. He considered the neighborhood that he was in. He slowed down and made his way outside of town. He wasn't sure why, but he thought that he might have some luck driving toward Niveus. So he did.

The warehouse that Dean had worked at over a year ago sat at the edge of the city. It was not their primary place of business. This was just one of their many buildings used to store their products. It was a hub of shipping and receiving that Dean had thought would get him closer to the truth concerning what had happened to his mom. It hadn't worked, and Dean felt no closer to the truth than he had all those years ago when it all first began. _Two steps forward, two steps back._ "Shit, shit, shit. Why didn't I send someone with Emma?" He was angry with himself. _Of course they would be watching her. Of course they would do this. Stupid. Just fucking stupid._

He stopped the car just outside of the lot that spanned the entire front end of the Niveus building. He squinted out at the lot, eyes drifting over the rows of cars. He didn't see any large blue Rams. He wondered if his instincts were wrong. He waited a few more minutes and then pulled away from his spot. He drove through the industrial sector that surrounded Niveus. There were other large buildings in the neighborhood that had the same purpose, shipping and receiving or manufacturing.

Dean found himself circling back along a side route that took him past Stiel Pharmaceuticals' warehouses. They had a very similar set-up to Niveus as they were once the same company. There had been some talk of them coming back together again, but Dean hadn't spent much time concerning himself with that. He did consider though, that it might matter that this was Brady's baby. He had been with this company since the split, and Emma had sat on his trial as the jury foreperson. He pulled off to the side of the road and looked over the cars in the lot. He did not see what he was looking for, but somehow he knew that he wouldn't. _It would be somewhere close though_, he thought. He got out of the car and considered his next move. His eyes darted over the surrounding buildings. Some looked abandoned, while others had signs of occupation, the occasional person coming in or going out. He looked out past the far buildings that lined the edge of the Stiel lot. There were several portables at the edge, nearly out of sight. Dean reached back into his car and retrieved his binoculars from the glove box.

Out past the last portable was a back entrance with a graveled driveway. And there, Dean spotted a blue truck. Maybe _the _blue truck. He got into the car and called Jorge. He got his voicemail. "I think that I see the truck. I am going to check it out." He added the approximate address too and started driving along the road that wrapped around the back of the main building. He knew that he should wait for backup, but he didn't want to lose the opportunity.

He drove right up to the vehicle. It appeared to be empty. He got out of his car and pulled out his gun. He edged along the side of the vehicle, peeking into the high windows. It was empty. He rounded the front corner and saw the evidence of the crash in the bumper. There was blood and a little denting. He crept over to the portable and hunched down beneath the window. He looked inside and saw no one. Then a man started walking over from across the lot, carrying a bucket that was sloshing out water and soap. He stopped when he saw Dean, then he dropped the bucket and ran.

Dean was not a fan of running. He sometimes wished that he could tag out with Sam during these little moments. Sam loved a good run. He sucked it up though and darted off after the guy. He was fast and wiry. Dean was not catching up with him. Dean did not get a good look at his face either. He could hear the sound of distant sirens. Apparently, Jorge had gotten the voicemail. He rounded the corner of the building and nearly collided with the man. He swung out at Dean and connected with his jaw. The force of the blow was sufficient enough to knock him back to the ground. the edges of his vision became black. The last thing that he saw was a familiar face dipping down over his own, hands lifting him just slightly. "Good to see you again, Mr. Winchester." Then he heard the sound of cars, sirens, and his body was falling back to the ground.

* * *

><p>He came to with a paramedic leaning into his personal space. Jorge was standing off to the side. "Nice of you to wake up, Sleeping Beauty."<p>

"Yeah, maybe I was waiting for true love's kiss." Dean smirked over at him and Jorge laughed.

"Well, you weren't getting that from me. Glad to see you still have your humor."

"Did you get him?"

"No. There wasn't anyone here when we found you. Did you get a good look at him?" Jorge came closer.

"It was A's brother." Dean grunted and sat up. The paramedic tried to push him back down, but Dean brushed him aside. "Enough of that." He eased away from the ambulance.

"Maybe you should let them take you in for a check-up."

"No, I am fine. He just caught my jaw." Dean rubbed the area a little.

"Well, regardless, I am sending you home. You need to take it easy. We can go over this tomorrow. I'll put out the picture and brief the others on it." He guided Dean over to the car and motioned two of the officers nearby. "I want one of you to follow Dean and the other to drive him home. He is in no condition to be driving himself. See to it that he makes it home safely, then keep an eye on his place." He turned to Dean then, "I'm not taking any chances."

Dean smiled at him, "Thanks Jorge, but it is really unnecessary. I'm a big boy and I can take care of myself."

"Clearly." Jorge motioned back at the area around them.

"I almost had him, Jorge. So close." Dean did as he was told, and although he did not want to hand off the keys to the Impala, he did it anyway too.

* * *

><p>Dean decided to add to the notes that he had been accumulating on the Niveus case. Now he wondered why Al would feel comfortable parking over at Stiel when he had been working with his brother at Niveus.<p>

Dean had several documents open and as the evening progressed he decided to open his email. There was a very new message from Cas. He looked down at the time; it was 10:30. Cas had sent the email just a few minutes ago. He opened it and read it. It contained a link and a single line of directions. _Click the link so that we can talk. _Dean hovered for a second. He could tell that the link would take him to a video chat. He recognized the url. He smoothed a hand over his face and back into his hair. He could feel his breathing. Funny how something that one can usually ignore becomes so much more palpable in moments of stress.

He thought about seeing him again. He closed his eyes and pictured his face. He thought about the two pictures that he had of Cas and how he stared out at him from them each time that Dean looked at them. He pictured his face just inches from his own. He imagined the way that he would feel if he were here right now. He moved a hand up to his lips and thought about the last kiss and the kiss before and the one before that. He did not know if he could take it, seeing him this way, so far away and unattainable.

At least I have news. He should know what happened today. He worried that he was just justifying his choice. _Doesn't matter._

He took a deep breath, held it, and clicked the link.

* * *

><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: So there is your reference to the email. :) Thank you all for reading thus far. **


	10. Chapter 10: Duets, Cas

The recital looked like it would be packed. Julia was already nervous backstage. She was pacing and rubbing her hands down her pants to dry the sweat that she perceived there. Cas walked over to one of his other students, a young boy named Paul. He was not nervous at all. He was pretty excited about his upcoming performance. His mom and dad were in the front row with their cameras ready.

Even Lil and her school friend Dela had small pieces to play for the audience. Cas had started out as Lil's teacher, but he quickly decided that they needed to have a little separation in that relationship. After each practice they would go home bad tempered with each other. Lil did not like the way that Cas seemed to become a whole different person when he taught the piano, and Cas didn't like the way that she would get so easily distracted, needing so many repeated directions.

So it was only logical that that she become one of Nelly's students. Dr. Barnes had even made it a homework assignment, which was funny. Normally, she would tell them to do something as opposed to not doing something. She could see the tension that this activity had brought into their lives. It wasn't like their karate days, where they were both doing something new together.

Pamela had said to Cas, "You want her to love music, right?"

"Well, of course I do?" Cas felt defensive when he replied to her.

"Well, then you can't be her teacher then. In this one area, with her, you are a bit too much of a perfectionist. It is funny, because you are not like this in any other area of your parenting with her. Have there been other times where you have just been so…" She seemed to struggle for what she wanted to label it. Lil was in the waiting room, so they were both speaking rather freely.

"I guess I have been a little tough to work with. Our relationship otherwise has been great. She is always quick to do what I tell her to do, except for getting ready for bed, but that isn't so bad." Cas had questioned his entire ability to parent after each session with Lil and the dreaded piano. "I guess that I am not really very good at this parenting thing."

"Oh, shut up, Malcolm. You are amazing. You just shouldn't be her piano tutor. This is something that you are passionate about and she is not. She just wants to have fun. Plus, I have heard how the other kids' parents praise you. You are doing great. I think that your efforts with Lil are just a little different, like you are a different person when you instruct her." It was then that she smiled and handed him the note card dictating that he find another piano tutor for Lil. He had smiled at her and felt, not for the first time, that they had gotten lucky when they found her.

Nelly had been happy to take on Lil. It turned out to be the best thing for both of them. Their relationship became far less strained on those days when she would practice the piano, and Cas was relieved when she said that she liked playing songs. He had worried that he had ruined that for her. Plus, Nelly was quite skilled at seeing the needs of her pupils. She even decided to pair up Lil with Della tonight for the recital. She knew how nervous the kids could sometimes become when performing was a thing. Lil and Dela were each going to play half of "Chopsticks." Cas had made an effort to not hear them practice so that tonight would be a surprise.

As the lights flickered, the sign that things were about to begin, he strode back over to Julia for a final word of encouragement. "You are going to do great. I'll be right there in the front row if you need an encouraging stare down."

She turned to him with a look that said that she thought that he was crazy. "What will an _encouraging stare down_ look like, Mr. Young?"

"Like this." He wrinkled his nose at her a little, scrunching up his brow. He looked as goofy as he had hoped to look. "Will that help?" He smiled.

"Hell no. I will likely crack up if you do that. Don't do that, okay." She was trying not to laugh at him, as though that would encourage him.

"You are amazing, and I can't wait for everyone to know it like I know it. Now, I will be right there." He pointed down to his seat in the front row. "Just look down there if you need encouragement. Front row, center."

"Good seat."

"Yeah, proud dad, right here. This is my daughter's first performance. I have to catch it all on video. Years from now, when she's a grumpy teenager, I'll use it to torment her." Cas smiled, touched her shoulder with a brief pat of affection, and turned to go back to his seat.

"What if I have a panic again?" She looked like she was pulling it together though.

"We'll deal with it. No worries." He headed over to his seat, giving Lil a little wave as he sat down. She was sitting off to the side with the other performers, practically bouncing in her seat. How she would have enough focus to play anything, Cas could not imagine. He wondered if she was eating candy, because she had the crazed-child look on her face of one that has too much energy.

The audience became hushed as Nelly made her way up onto the little stage. There were two pianos, a guitar, and a microphone. Nelly came up to the microphone and spoke in a clear, luminous voice. "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. I am so glad to see so many happy faces here tonight. The students have been working very hard for the past month to put together a performance that you won't soon forget. We here at the Music Depot want to thank each and every one of you for supporting us as we support your children." She continued to offer up her thoughts, but Cas became distracted by someone moving into his field of vision.

"Is this seat taken?" Carter whispered as he sat in the empty seat next to Cas. He smiled over at Carter as he shifted into the seat.

"Glad you made it." He whispered back. And just like at the house, Cas noticed that they were sitting quite close together. His leg pressed right up against Carter's, their arms brushing up against each other. Noticing these things, though, took a back seat to the fact that Nelly had just said his name.

"Well, Mal, are you going to stand up and wave at the crowd?" He stood, but he didn't know why. He gave a quick head nod back out at the audience and then sat down. Nelly continued, "Like I said before, we wouldn't know what to do without Malcolm. He has been a real godsend." The audience clapped, and Cas felt a blush creep up into his cheeks at the unexpected, public praise.

Nelly introduced her first performer, and a young boy took the stage. He scooped up the guitar with little gentleness and played a quick, rough acoustic piece. He sang, but his vocals were not so great. The guitar playing, on the other hand, was a showcase of his talents. He had nimble fingers and they danced along the strings. Cas was impressed and wished that he was one of his students. There were several other students that came up to play the guitar, but none as good as the fist.

Next were the beginning pianists. Lil and Dela came up to the stage and each sat at a separate piano. Cas quickly adjusted his camera so that he would be able to capture as much of the two pianos as possible. He never would have guessed that they would use two pianos instead of just one. Lil smiled over at him folded her fingers together and did the elaborate finger cracking move that is so common among those just gearing up to play the piano. She giggled a little with the action. Dela did the same at her piano. The audience laughed and this seemed to encourage the looks of happiness on Dela and Lil's faces. Cas glanced down the aisle and saw her parents smiling and filming at the end of the row. They exchanged little smiles. Then the music began.

They did indeed play "Chopsticks." They took turns with the parts, playing faster and faster with each rendition. Lil had the easier leg of the song and Dela played the more complex part since she had been practicing for a longer term than Lil. Carter leaned over and said, "Wow, they are good."

Cas smiled his proud dad smile and kept right on filming. "They sure are." They got to the end of their song and Dela played a little sign-off series of notes and Lil hit two keys. They stood quickly and beaming their smiles out at the crowd as they took their bows. Cas stood up and gave the girls a cheery whistle of approval. Carter stood at his side clapping too. The girls took their seats and the next musician came up. He would have a while to wait before Julia took the stage. He was worried about her anxiety and it was making him feel anxious too.

Carter leaned over again and asked, "So, do you and Lil want to grab celebratory food after the recital? I was thinking diner grub."

"Sounds good. We were already planning to go their. I think that a bunch of the parents and kids are planning to meet up." _Maybe this is a step toward repairing the awkwardness._ Cas looked over at Lil who was playing with the hem of her dress, swinging her legs with a slightly subdued energy compared to the pre-performance Lil.

After several performances, Nelly announced the final performer. Cas had wished that she would have been scheduled earlier, since waiting created more anxiety in Julia. She came up on the stage slowly, and Cas felt nervous just watching her. She didn't have on her typical hoodie and thus she had nowhere to hide. Her black dress was floor length and long-sleeved. It made an audible swishing sound as she made her way to the piano bench. She took her seat and looked quickly over at Cas. He sent out encouragement with his staring. She placed her hands on the keys and did not move beyond that. Carter leaned over again, "Is she supposed to take so long to play?"

"Hmm." Cas felt the seconds of silence extending. He looked over at Nelly who shrugged. Julia just kept on sitting there. Her parents were prepared to film at the other end of the room, but they looked worried. No one seemed to know what to do. There seemed to be a vacuum of sorts in the room, silence and immobility. Cas was debating about what to do when he saw her hands slip from the keys into her lap. The move told a tale; hands always told the tale. He stood and walked with purpose up to the stage. He walked across to the other piano and took a seat on the bench. They faced each other. She looked up at him. The pianos faced each other. He leaned forward over the keys toward her and said, "How about a duet?" She stared at him, tears on the precipice. "Do you think that you can take over if I start?" She nodded slightly, and he raised his hands to the keys.

The notes to "Sleepless" started to form under his hands. The melody warm and calm in the hall. The first verse needed to be sung. She whispered, "Sing too." So, Cas began singing the first verse. The second verse came up and he could hear Julia's voice tremulous and small as it joined his. She increased in volume slowly until, by the end of the verse, she was as loud as Cas. When Cas started to skip lines in the singing, she gave him a panicky look that encouraged him to keep singing.

They rocked through the chorus, both of their voices a complement to the other. Cas considered releasing the keys between verses so that Julia could take over. He looked to her in silent communication and saw that she was ready. He released the keys and she was quick to take over. Her hands gliding effortlessly over the keys. The next verse was just Cas' singing, then she was back in the song by the second round of the chorus. He decided that he would go silent with the last line, so that she would have that moment. While they careened to the end of the song, he chanced a glance out to the audience. Lil looked excited. His eyes moved over to Carter who was fully leaning forward into the song, staring directly at Cas. Cas looked back to the keys, breaking the stare. The lyrics should not be directed at him.

When they had practiced the song earlier that week, he had thought of Dean. There was even a line about James Dean that made his thoughts run along to the past. _God, I miss you._ He thought as the last lines of the song pooled up around them. He stopped singing and Julia's voice rang out in a nasally tone, "Why you so speechless, Oh oh oh."

There was pure silence at first, then an eruption of applause so thunderous that they both jolted back in shock. The audience even stood, all of them. It was not one of those, obligatory standing ovations either. It was one of those purely genuine moments of enthusiasm so intense that they both began to shake with the force of it. They stood together and bowed, then departed from the stage hand in hand.

Lil came running up to him at the side of the stage and threw her arms around him, tight. He had to walk with her attached to his waist all the way back to the seat next to Carter. He pulled her up into his lap and hugged her to his chest. He saw Julia making her way back to her parents. They were all smiles as she sat down next to them, shrinking into herself with shyness under the attention of the happy audience. Nelly came back up to the stage and thanked everyone for showing up and shared some details about the availability of sessions and tutors for those that would like to get their children into the world of music that they saw that night.

Cas barely heard this as he was still riding the high of the applause. He did hear his name though, and it surprised him out of his own thoughts. "And Malcolm, as you all just saw, is a man of many talents. He still has a few openings for lessons. If anyone is interested in setting up appointments, please see either of us tonight. Thanks again for supporting the arts, and have a safe journey home."

With that everyone clapped again and then began gathering up their coats and bags to go. Cas found himself rather surrounded though. Several parents wanted him to take on their children for lessons. Nelly came down from the stage to help him. He was polite, but eager to depart. _Too much attention._ He caught Julia's eye as she was leaving with her parents and she just smiled at him in solidarity. _Yeah, now I know what you felt like._ Eventually, he was able to extricate himself from the crowd. He, Carter, and Lil made a bee-line for the door and rushed off for the diner.

"Wow, Malcolm. You are a man of many talents." Carter walked alongside him, their arms brushing up against each other's.

"Nah, it was Julia that was really amazing. That girl has the pipes." Cas felt Lil's hand fall into his and he swung it about a little as they walked. She let him go after a few steps and inserted herself between Cas and Carter. Taking his other hand instead. "What's up Lil? Did you just like this hand better?" Cas smiled down at her.

She reached up to Carter's hand and called out, "Swing me." As she launched forward she tucked her legs up and became slightly dead weight. Cas and Carter compensated by swinging out their arms. They were almost to the diner. _Thank God._ He thought about how much heavier she was now that she was a year older.

"Okay, goober. You get one more swing then it's back to normal walking. The diner was packed, but they still managed to get a seat in the back. They plucked up the menus and read through the familiar items. Cas ordered a salad and then turned to Lil, "What do you want to eat?" She looked down at her picture menu and pointed to a grilled cheese sandwich. Carter ordered a salad too. _Two peas in a pod._ Cas thought and then followed up his thought with, _but Dean and I were like peas and carrots. More complementary than the same._ He smiled with the thought. Sam had told him some Dean details, and he struggled with admitting it, even to himself, but he was often quite happy when he would hear about even the mundane aspects of Dean's life. In those moments he knew that he hadn't let go as much as he probably should have by this point.

He had thought that time would make things easier. It didn't; it just made things different. He didn't know what this thing with Carter was either, and that didn't help ease his mind. He looked over at Carter as he sat talking with Lil about her performance. He half listened, half daydreamed through the conversation; it had been a long day. Carter smiled over at him, his blond hair tinged with pink light from the neon sign that was on the wall behind them. He looked happy, and Cas was glad, since he thought that he had handled things poorly the day before.

He let his mind slip slide around from thoughts of Carter to thoughts of Dean to just a mass of both all whorling around in his head. He had been thinking of Dean throughout the song that he sang. There were lines about never loving again, but even more pressing was the part that read, _you choose death in company._ He worried often about Dean's choice. He worried that it would be the death of him. Often though, he struggled with the fact that Dean chose to stay behind rather than be with them. He understood, mostly. Sometimes he didn't. Sometimes it made him sad, sometimes angry. Mostly he just felt profoundly lonely without him by his side. In those moments he would video chat with Jess, who would tell him about their lives and Dean. Sometimes Sam would join them. Sometimes it was just he and Jess.

He had considered reaching out to the others, but somehow, he thought that this distance was safer. With Jess, he did not worry. She was already connected to a greater danger through Sam, so Cas never felt like he was adding to her plate. It made the connection easy. As he sat in the diner, he planned out a chat with Jess for later that evening. He wanted to hear about Dean. He had experienced a strange nagging pull in the back of his mind earlier that made him wonder how he had been. Perhaps it was just the guilt of letting Carter get too close. Perhaps it wasn't.

He allowed his attention to fall on Lil and Carter a little more fully as they talked. He considered what it would mean if he let his past go, if he grabbed onto the future that was presenting itself to him in the form of this man. _It would be easy._ He thought about how little he would have to think about anything beyond the simplicity of just living, waking up to someone that was just living too. He felt Carter's hand on the bench beside his own as his little finger gave an involuntary twitch. Cas knew it was an invitation to hand holding beneath the table, but he did not engage, nor did he move away from it though.

Lil interrupted his thoughts. "Dad, can I go talk to Dela?" Cas glanced past her to the table on the other side of the room. Dela's family waved over at them.

"Sure, but don't stay over there for too long. Your food will be here soon." Before she popped away from the table she smacked a kiss on the side of his face. "Love you, munchkin."

She bounded away on his words and Cas turned back to Carter. "It was a good day, huh?" Carter said.

"Yeah, it really was." Cas was pretty happy with Lil's performance and with Julia's too.

"I didn't know that you were a singer. You have an amazing voice." Carter looked away a little shyly for a moment.

"Thanks. I am just glad everyone got to hear Julia. She is a great kid and quite talented."

"It's funny. I thought that I knew you pretty well. Tonight served to remind me that maybe I don't. You'd think the guy that tried to kiss you would have known about your singing talents. Makes me wonder what else I have missed." Carter's fingers drummed about a little on the bench seat next to Cas' hand. He seemed to be a little nervous.

"You aren't still worrying about yesterday, are you?" Cas turned a little in the seat, pulling his leg up so that he was sitting sideways, facing Carter.

"You did say that we would talk about things. I can't help but wonder about something else that has been a mystery where you are concerned."

"What's that?" Cas felt a little nervous.

"Who are you in love with?" He squirmed about a little awkwardly in his seat until he was turned sideways too. "I mean, I know that I don't have any business asking, but I just want to know. I've wracked my brain about it since you said it, and I can't recall you ever mentioning anyone that sounded special like that. Then I thought about the people in town, and there is Garth…"

Cas interrupted him then with a laugh. "Garth. Really? You went there?"

"Hey, don't laugh. He's the only one that you seem to spend any time with besides me. I guess that I was just trying to solve the great mystery that is Malcolm Young's love life."

"Well, it isn't Garth. He and I are friends. Plus, he's not gay." Cas laughed again.

"Meh, he could be. I figured it was a closet case or something. I'm not exactly all kinds of open about my private life, so maybe he is the same."

"I'm confused now. Are you trying to convince me that Garth is gay, and that I need to tap that?" Cas was laughing again and proud of his bad use of lingo. Truth be told he got the phrase from Garth the other day and liked the full circle of the conversation in his head.

"God, no. I was just. I don't know what I was doing." Carter picked up his water and took a sip. Returning it he continued. "I don't know what is happening. Everything feels comfortable with you, like it is going some place good. Then well, it doesn't. I don't know what I'm saying. Help me out here."

Cas touched Carter's hand on the bench seat then and gave it a little squeeze. "I suppose that I should tell you about Dean." They made eye contact again and Cas began telling him the story.

The story continued throughout the meal. Lil came back only long enough to ask if she could eat her food at Dela's table. Cas acquiesced as it would make it easier to continue explaining things to Carter. He listened to the story with rapt attention. They left the diner together and while Lil bounced this way and that along the curbs ahead of them they spoke some more. "So, do you think that you will ever see him again?"

"I hold out a little hope that maybe I will. It is why I won't be forging any new relationships. It would never work, and it would be unfair." He gave Carter a pointed look that punctuated the words.

"I understand. I guess that I don't know where to go with you though. I mean are we friends then?"

"I hope so. I enjoy you." Cas looked away, the words came out wrong. "I mean, you are good company. You are smart, and funny. I like talking with you." Now he felt like he was just babbling.

"Okay. If I didn't know better, I'd say that you like me more than you like friends, but I will do my best not to get confused again." Carter leaned over a little and shoulder bumped Cas.

"Okay." Cas bumped him back.

"You have to let me know though, if your mind changes. If you think that maybe you want to move on with this really awesome kindergarten teacher that I know. No pressure." He turned up a half smile at Cas as they reached the spot where Cas and Lil had parked the Triumph.

"You'll be the first to know." He called over to Lil who was now hopping from one parking blocker to another in the dark. A car was pulling through the lot slowly. Cas wasn't worried, because it was nowhere near Lil. "I shouldn't have to call you over twice, little missy." Lil ran over then and put on her helmet.

"Goodnight, Mal." Carter leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Oh, don't get that look. Totally platonic. I would kiss my mom like that."

Cas laughed a little. "I'm not your mom." He put on his helmet and joined Lil on the bike.

"Just testing the boundaries. No harm in that, right?"

"Well, didn't you just suddenly let down your inhibitions."

Carter turned to Lil then and said, "Goodnight, Lil."

She gave him a funny look, but didn't reply back. Cas turned to her and said, "What's up? Aren't you going to say goodnight?"

"He is not your boyfriend." The statement was a little surprising.

"I know," Cas said while still awkwardly turned to face her. Carter seemed to grow suddenly uncomfortable.

"You should tell him that only Dean gets to kiss you." It was funny a little, that over the past year, Lil had not lost her loyalty.

Carter spoke up then. "I'm sorry, Lil. You are right. It won't happen again. Your dad and I are friends, and I don't want to make things uncomfortable." She gave him a slight nod of acknowledgement.

Cas said to Carter, "Sorry about that. We should get going, though. See you around."

"You know it." Then to just add to the awkwardness of the moment, Carter thrust out his hand for a parting shake and Cas went along with it.

"Well, on that awkward note. Goodnight, Carter."

"Goodnight, Mal." And Cas and Lil rode off into the night toward home.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: So, I know that you won't believe me when I tell you this, but, the next chapter really will deal with the email. So, yeah, sorry about making you all feel kinds of jerked around by my cliffhangers. Regardless, thanks for being awesome and telling me how you felt anyway. Thanks rainystv for the comments and the enthusiasm that made you dive in despite your desire to wait until I was done with the fic. Thanks for the thoughts legsinger. I missed an opportunity in the last chapter. I should have had more go down between Dean and Al, but I just barreled ahead. Mummabro and Igniting, sorry. I know that the cliffhangers are cruel. I just seem to keep making them. I need to go to rehab over this apparently. Lastly, YoungHopeful, thanks for just enjoying this. **

**'Till Thursday. The next chapter is called: Dean and Cas, a Chorus.**


	11. Chapter 11: Dean and Cas, a Chorus

Cas finally had a moment to himself. The evening had finally settled into a kind of calm. He heated up a kettle of water on the stove, fully intending to make a massive amount of tea for just one person. Lil was a ball of energy right up to the very minute that her head hit the pillow. It was chatter, chatter, chatter, and then it was as though someone pulled her plug. She apparently really liked the fact that Cas had performed. He had caught a couple of moments of her chatter at the diner that night. She kept telling people, _that was my dad. Did you see my dad?_

He had worried for a moment that she had been upset by the way that they had parted from Carter. He wasn't willing to talk about it though. He hadn't even fully figured it out yet for himself. The water came to a boil and he lifted the kettle to pour some of the water over his tea strainer. The steam puffed out around the mug. He took a deep breath of it in, enjoying the rich scent of flowers and cinnamon. He looked up at the clock and debated internally about how long he intended to stay up. He looked down at the tea and recognized a commitment there. _Okay, one hour, and I'll call it a day._ He decided to get on his computer to talk with Jess too. He got comfortable on his couch and set the tea aside to open up his laptop and start up the chat. He opened up his proxy server and then opened up his email.

He felt his heart thud hard in his chest. He sucked in a deep breath and held it. Cas could feel a wave of conflicting emotions taking over his body. His head was running through all of the many reasons that Dean could be contacting him after all of his time. He felt worry for a moment. _What if something is wrong. What if someone is hurt._ He clicked the message to open it. It was a short message, but Cas felt like it was saying so much more. _I miss you. Always._ He could feel an intense tightening in his chest, the strange spasm in his stomach, and a clenching sensation in his throat that threatened to become a sob. _I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. _He thought, then he was opening up a tab to start a chat. He was having trouble seeing the screen enough to type.

He replied to Dean's message, _Click the link so that we can talk._ He sent him a link to the chat that he set up. He sat there waiting. He was nervous. What if Dean didn't want to see him, he thought. _That's dumb. Of course he wants to see me. He just said that he missed me._ In an instant he seemed to forget all of the reasons that he had crafted for why they should not speak with each other. The minutes were stretching out. He was trying to compose himself, smoothing his hair out, checking his shirt for neatness. He considered changing quickly, before Dean could respond to the invite. Then the wait was over. The chat opened, and there he was.

Cas' hand went up to his face. _He's still beautiful. God, how did I leave him?_ He could feel his breathing coming through in sharp stabs. They both just sat there staring at each other for a few moments. Dean looked like he was in the same emotional place as he was. "Hey, Dean." He finally gulped out.

"Hey, Cas." Dean sounded the same. "God, I missed you so much." He seemed to be reaching out toward the screen while he said this, but the camera made it look like a funny movement.

Cas just stuttered out. "Everyday, everyday, Dean." He knew that he didn't make sense, and it was all he could do to talk at all.

"I know. I know." Dean was sitting there now, not seeming to be as unhinged as Cas was feeling, but still clearly touched. One tear slipped from his eye and spilled over his cheek. Dean took a quick swipe at it. "I shouldn't have bothered you yesterday, but I was just feeling so awful. It hasn't been easy."

"Come to us. You don't have to be alone. I don't want to do this alone thing anymore. I need you so much. I need you, Dean." Cas was trying to reign in his emotions. He was failing. He stared at his lips, the angle of his cheeks, the spark of light in his green eyes.

Dean lowered his head to the table in front of his laptop. His body rose and fell in sobs. He may have been saying something, but Cas couldn't hear him. He wanted to go to him, to hold him, to get him through. _He needs me too._ _A year, more than a year, and what have we gained from this?_

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><p>Dean could feel the pressure of emotions crushing him. Every ounce of love that he had felt flooded through him, overwhelmed him. He was trying to breathe. He had lowered his head to the table in an effort to suppress the emotional tide. He was failing. He thought that Cas looked the same, yet older. He had thought that he had that face memorized so perfectly. <em>His hair was still wild. That hair. Fucking bed head, Cas.<em> He took a deep breath and sat up. He redirected his thoughts. _I have to tell him about Al._

"Things happened today that you need to know about."

Cas seemed to struggle with the conversational thread and the emotions, but he managed to say, "Yes."

"I was attacked today by Al." Cas took a sharp intake of air and leaned toward the camera as if to get a closer look at Dean, to check for damage. "I'm fine, Cas. Don't worry."

"What happened, Dean?" Cas looked worried. _At least he doesn't look sad. _Dean thought that he could go the rest of his life without seeing Cas look that sad again, especially since he felt responsible.

"I met with the jury forewoman that we saw in the pictures that M had. After she left the meeting, Al ran her down with his truck. I tracked him and he attacked me." Dean stopped for a moment. "I almost had him, Cas. I was so close. Everytime I get close to ending this, to getting to a place where I can come to you, I fail. I fail." He was close to losing control again. He stared at Cas and saw pain etched on his face. He wanted to touch him, to take comfort from him. _Selfish. _The nagging word of judgement was in his head.

Cas spoke haltingly. "Come to us, Dean."

Dean just stared at him. "I can't yet."

"No, you can. Come to us. You need us. We need you. I think that you must know how much I need you. I think that you feel it too. That tight knot in your stomach, the way that everything feels hollow, I feel that without you. Do you feel it too?"

"Yes." Dean's voice was low. "I feel empty. Someday though, I'll fix this. I have to make things safe again."

"Do you ever wonder if we were wrong? Maybe we could only be okay with each other."

Dean ran his hands up through his hair. "I have questioned everything that I have done so many times that I can hardly think of anything else." Dean wanted to redirect again. _I can't give you what you want._ "How is Lil?"

Cas smiled and got up from the couch to take the laptop into Lil's room. "Let me show you. She is precious when she sleeps."

For a brief moment the laptop camera was not angled in a way that allowed him to see Cas. He could see some of the house though, which was interesting. "Your house looks neat. Is it a cabin?" He remembered Garth telling him about the house. He smiled as he saw how accurate the description had been.

"Yeah. It is small, but it is home." Cas angled the camera back up to his face and smiled. "Look, there she is." He turned the camera toward Lil. Her lips puffed out, breathing out little snores.

"She still snores," Dean whispered. "She is just beautiful, Cas."

Cas carried the laptop back out to the couch and sat down. "She had a piano recital today. She was great." He was in the frame again.

Dean wanted to know more, but he felt as though he was making everything more difficult for Cas. He remembered that Garth had said that someone was interested in Cas. He didn't want to get in the way of that, and yet, he felt like he was now. Seeing Lil reminded him of how much stability mattered and how much he was taking that from them. He redirected again. "So, have you met any awesome people in Jacksonville?"

"Not so much. There are nice people here, but we stick to ourselves, mostly. Lil made a friend." Cas stopped talking abruptly, and Dean could tell that there was something that he wasn't saying. _Just tell me about him, Cas. Break my heart. Make it easier._

"Anyone special in your life?"

"What are you asking me, Dean?" _He's avoiding._

"Any men beating down your door for a date?" _Sound casual, Dean. You want to know. You need to know._

Cas seemed uncomfortable. "I don't have any interest in seeing anyone."

"That wasn't what I asked, now, was it?"

"Doesn't matter. I am too busy being Lil's dad. That is enough. What about you? Are you seeing anyone?" _Damn it._

"So, no one has asked you out?"

"I will play a little game with you that Sam taught me. I will answer your question if you reciprocate."

"Okay."

Cas seemed to shift about awkwardly. "Umm. So, there is this one guy. He is interested. I have corrected his intentions. We are friends, nothing more." Cas stared him down through the screen. Dean felt like he was going to be overwhelmed by the stare down. He did not want to answer the question that he knew Cas would ask. "So, are you seeing anyone."

Dean just sat there. he wanted to run. He didn't want to talk about it. He wasn't seeing anyone, not really, but the question implied something more, though. _Fidelity._

* * *

><p>Cas could see Dean's struggles and wondered at the answer. He had thought that if Dean were seeing someone that the conversations with Jess would have implied this. Jess and Sam, both, had been encouraging him to keep hoping. He could see now that Dean had moved on, maybe. Dean shifted about in his seat and then took off his jacket. He leaned back in his seat, and Cas could see something that set him on edge.<p>

"I'm not seeing anyone." He said at last. The mark on Dean's neck told a different story. Cas felt the world drop out from beneath him. The words and the visual in conflict with one another.

Cas looked down from the screen and ran a hand up to his own neck before he looked back up into Dean's eyes. He could see guilt in Dean's whole demeanor. He wondered what kind of person Dean had chosen. His thoughts, though, took a more intense turn. _Someone was kissing him. Someone was touching him. NO, NO, NO. He's mine._ He was breathing hard now and wanted to unsee it. He told himself that he had no right to be jealous. He told himself that he had wanted this for Dean, but he knew that he never really wanted this. A little anger was creeping into the edges of his emotions too. _He lied to me. Why is he lying to me?_ "So you are not seeing anyone, huh?" He tried to keep his voice neutral, but it wasn't quite there.

Dean tipped his head to the side a little. "I'm not. Why the tone?"

"You seem to have picked up a little something." Cas tapped his neck with a finger. His brows furrowed. He looked like he was done.

"Like I said, I am not seeing someone." He ducked his head a little, seeming a little self-conscious.

"So, that's a product of a casual hook-up?" _I need to stop. I need to stop._

"Yes."

"I understand. It doesn't change how I feel. I want you to come to us." Cas gripped the table worrying over the answer that he knew he would get.

"You shouldn't be so quick to forgive. You are better than that. Have a little self-esteem, Cas."

"Fuck you, Dean. Don't act like a prick just to make me hate you. It won't happen. I still love you." He sounded angry though, and he was. He couldn't understand how Dean could move on because he hadn't been able to.

"You shouldn't. God, Cas." He looked off past the computer. "I need to go. I have a lot on my plate tomorrow."

"Sure, Dean. Sure." He waited then spoke again. "Be safe. I mean it. Don't do anything stupid."

"I won't."

_It can't end like this. I won't let it end like this. _Dean looked like he was about to click the close icon. Cas spoke up and stopped him. "Dean."

"Yes."

"I don't care that you found someone for a moment. It's been a year, a lonely, stupid, pointless, damnable year. It may be pathetic. You may think that I have no self-esteem, but I don't care. You are mine. You will always be mine. Always, Dean. Always. Know that no matter what, I have not given up on you, never will." Cas did not wait for Dean's response. He watched him lower his head again to the table. He couldn't let Dean speak again. _He'll just say something that he doesn't mean. It will be cruel. It will hurt._ Instead of waiting for the stab of those words he moved the mouse up to the close icon and clicked it.

* * *

><p>Dean felt the words stabbing him. He felt the cold, hard edge of the table pressed into his forehead. Each of Cas' words made him feel like the worst human being ever to exist. <em>Did I really just tell him to get some self-esteem? Did I really just admit to a casual hook-up? God, if you knew. If you knew. You'd hate me then. It would be easier for you. You should just hate me, Cas. Why can't you just hate me? I can make you hate me if I just talk to you enough. Look what I have done to you. Why can't you just see me as I am? I am dangerous. If you keep loving me, there will be only danger. You will be damned to my Hell. You deserve so much more. Lil deserves so much more.<em>

He couldn't lift his head from the table again. He couldn't look at those blue eyes again. He couldn't bear it. _How can I tell you the things that will break your heart, if I have to look at you? I just want you to be okay, far, far away from me. I don't want to ruin you._ He could feel his heart racing though. He could hear Cas' words on repeat in his head. _You are mine._ He felt the spasm of a sob shake him. He played out the next set of words from Cas again. _I have not given up on you, never will._ He felt the words. He felt the love in them. He felt like there was no reason for anyone to ever trust him to get anything right. The world has given up on him, but not Cas. Never Cas. "I'm sorry, Cas. So sorry." He breathed the words out into the table top. "I love you. I love you so much. I can't do this alone thing anymore either. I can't."

His words were met with silence. He lifted his head and looked at the dark screen. _Of course, you aren't there._ He reached up and shutdown the computer, feeling resignation and defeat. He slowly got up and walked back to his bedroom. "It was for the best. He didn't need to hear that shit," he muttered out to the damnable silence of his empty house.

* * *

><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: So, Here is the long awaited Cas and Dean interaction. Thank you for all for the reviews and feeling the feels. I like that some of you like Carter and some are suspicious. I was starting to ship them, but Dean is too endearing, so no. Thanks Catrimc for the review and I hope that I handle Carter satisfactorily. I really appreciate the compliment. Legsinger, I am sorry about the emotional turmoil. If you ever want to punch me in the feels with a fan fic. Just let me know; I'll totally read it:P Mummabro, your comment amused me. I swear Misha singing, priceless. Sorry I made you wait Igniting. I really have to stick with the schedule though. Andi800, yippee, so glad someone knew that I was making a Capt. Jack reference. Lastly, YoungHopeful, hope you were happy with the chapter, especially since the destiel senses were tingling:) **

**'Till Monday**


	12. Chapter 12: Bridge, Cas Part I

Halloween. _How did this holiday become a thing?_ Cas found himself grumbling as he snaked his way in and out of the crowds shopping for last minute candy and costumes. Lil had her little costume picked out and at home. They had managed to forget candy though. He thought that they could get away with not buying any and just going out all evening. He found out later though that this was not the way that things worked in Jacksonville. He had managed to avoid this knowledge last year because they had been living in a motel. Now, though, it was clear that the trail and all of the houses surrounding it would be part of a late night Halloween "block party" for lack of a better term. If Carter hadn't told him, he would have been hunkered down with the lights off, peering out of the window until the outside world emptied out.

"You will not be doing that." Carter had said. "I am coming over to help you hand out candy. Garth is coming too. He said that he was going to hang out at his house for Halloween. He sounded pitiful, so I told him to join the party."

"This is not a party." Cas laughed at him. "It is two queens and a little princess handing out candy."

"You make it sound so royal." Carter laughed at him too. "I think that we can get away with handing out candy for about an hour before turning out the lights on the teenagers. You really can't pretend to be out for the whole night though."

So, this conversation was what sent Cas off to the store on Halloween. He had tossed in a large mixed bag of chocolates into the cart and tried to meander around the group of parents and teenagers ahead of him toward the exit. He hadn't realized that one of the members of the group was Julia.

"Hey, Mr. Young. Getting some last minute candy for me?" She extricated herself from the group and walked over to him.

"Well, someone just informed me that my neck of the woods becomes quite haunted on Halloween. Apparently the scariest things of all are found there." He smiled at her as he spoke.

"Oh, really. What would that be?"

"Teenagers." They laughed and she picked up his candy and raised an eyebrow to it. "What? You don't approve of my offering to the teen monsters?"

Lil looked at the bag too and said, "They are kind of gross, Dad. No one wants those kinds of chocolates. They aren't even real."

He took the bag and looked at it. He noticed for the first time the names on them, Herchies, Reises, Senor Mints. "Oh, I hadn't even looked at them." He looked back behind him at the crowd and dreaded trying to make his way back through them.

"Well, before I offer to go through the crowd to retrieve appropriate candy for you, tell me what you are going to be for Halloween." Julia took the bag of candy back from Cas.

"I'm not dressing up. Not sure if you noticed but I am way too old for that." He placed a hand on Lil's head and added, "Now, Lil here, she is going to be a little witch."

"No way. You have to dress up. If you are taking Lil out, you have to have a costume. All the cool parents dress up."

"Wow, Julia, you really are promoting the conformist lifestyle tonight." He laughed at her look of consternation.

"No, I just expect more of you than to be phoning it in." She turned to go and then called back, "Don't move. I'll be back with acceptable candy."

"I'll be waiting right here." He looked down at Lil, "Do you think that I need to dress up?"

"Totally." She looked serious.

"Now, I know that you are just messing with me." He ruffled up her hair and she ducked away, laughing.

Julia came back through the crowd a few minutes later carrying the new bag of candy, name brand, and a set of wings. "Soooo." She drew out the word as she held up the wings. They were made with actual feathers and some of them were fluttering off of the wiring that was holding the piece together. "I figured that you would be reluctant if I got you a Batman costume or something like that, but maybe you might go along with something simple." She held out the wings to Lil. "So, do you think that we can convince your dad to put on some angel wings?"

Lil took the wings from Julia, "I got this." She said this in all seriousness. Julia and Cas both laughed.

"So, an angel, huh? I will need to start practicing my best angelic behaviors then. Let's see, doe-eyed innocence." Cas opened his eyes wide and tipped his head to the side in mock naivete. "Or maybe I should just be prayerful." He pressed his hands together and held them beneath his chin, eyes cast heavenward.

"Perfect. Now I had better see the costume when I come by tonight for candy." Julia gave Lil a little pat on the head and added, "Make sure that he keeps it on."

"You got it, boss." Lil laughed as Julia gave her a mock salute and headed back to her family. Cas and Lil headed out, now, seemingly ready for the night's festivities.

* * *

><p>Lil did a little twirl around in her black gown and pointed hat. Cas had the camera out and he had filmed the twirling. He had taken maybe, a hundred stills too, by this point and had planned to send some to Sam and Jess. "Maybe Bobby should get one too." He muttered out his plans while angling the camera up high for another shot.<p>

"You should send one to Dean too," Lil said.

"Hmm." Cas hummed out a non-committal response then turned back to the kitchen and the empty bowl that needed to be filled with candy. Lil followed him.

"Here." She held out the wings. "Time to get dressed, dad."

Cas took the wings and slipped them on over his jacket. "Okay, ready to go."

Lil looked at him, brows wrinkled up. "What in tarnation are you doing?" Sometimes Lil was quick to adopt the language around her. This week it was Looney Toons and Yosemite Sam.

"What are you talking about?" Cas was doing his best not to laugh at her pissy little kid look.

"Your wings?" She pointed. "They look silly on the outside of your coat."

"Well, it is cold outside, so I am going to wear them like this." It did look silly, two fluffy white wings strapped on over his crisp tan trenchcoat.

"Fine then, look silly." She darted away to go retrieve her plastic pumpkin candy bucket. Her face seemed to glow beneath the thick green make-up that she had Cas sponge onto her. They had even added a fake wart on her nose for good measure. There was a knock at the door then and Carter came in.

"Well, are you all ready?" He spun around in his zombie outfit. "I know, I know. This costume is just too sexy for the masses. I should probably go change, huh?" Cas laughed at him.

"You are ridiculous. I can't believe that they let you have charge over our children." He stepped over and gave him a quick hug as a greeting. "Where's Garth?"

"He was right behind me." At that, Garth jumped out with a roar as he tried to scare Cas and Lil. Lil shrieked and darted behind Cas.

"Not funny, Garth." She yelled at him with a laugh.

"Actually, pip-squeak, that was hilarious," Garth said as he came into the house. "Now let's go get all of the candies, before they run out." Garth bounced around in his wolf costume howling. He was like a kid. He scooped up Lil and swung her around over his head. "Trick or treat!"

"Yeah! Trick or treat, dad!" Lil yelled with Garth.

"So much yelling!" Cas yelled.

"I know!" Garth yelled again as they darted out the door. They were all laughter and smiles as they made their way to the other end of the trail where a little slice of suburbia awaited. There they would find a few rows of houses to begin with. They went from one house to the next. Lil's bucket was filling fast. Garth went with her to each door. Cas stayed back on the sidewalk for most of the actual trick or treating. Carter stayed with him.

"So, you really went all out with the costume." Carter grinned over at him while they waited for Lil to return.

"Yeah, well, I figured I didn't need the costume, really. I am pretty angelic already." Cas smiled back. _Why am I flirting with him?_

"If I didn't know better, I would say that someone is fishing for a compliment." Lil bounded back to them with Garth in tow. Cas felt Carter's hand on his back propelling him along their path. They made good time and managed to cover the major streets in just over an hour. They began making their way back to the house at around 8pm with Lil's barely contained enthusiasm leading the way. Cas wasn't sure if she was more excited by the candy getting or the candy giving.

They got into the house and Cas called Lil over to him. "I want to do a video chat with Sam and Jess later. So, try to keep your costume looking good. Okay?"

"Awesome. I bet they'll like it." Cas smiled at her and together they plopped down on the sofa with Garth and Carter to watch horror movies. Cas had made it clear that the horror movies had to be kid friendly, so Garth had brought over only the classics, _Frankenstein_, _The Bride of Frankenstein_, and _Frankenweenie_. Cas laughed at the selections. "Really, Garth, this is quite the theme here."

"Yeah, I guess that I knew what I wanted to watch." They popped in _Frankenstein _and Cas popped some popcorn in the kitchen. It was nearly an hour before they got a knock at the door. Lil jumped up off the couch.

"Someone's here. I get to give the candy." Cas handed her the bowl and sent her to the door. It was Julia.

"Trick or treat." She stepped into Cas' home and gave Lil a quick hug. Lil gave her two hands full of candy.

"What are you dressed as?" Lil asked because the costume was unclear. She was wearing horns and her face was painted a shade of bluish grey.

"Oh, I'm just a character from a webcomic. You wouldn't know who." She turned to Cas then, "So how many trick or treaters have you had tonight?"

"Just you. I am starting to think that some people just wanted me to buy a bunch of candy so that they could reap the rewards." He cast a sidelong glance back at Carter and was met with a smirk.

"Sure beats trick or treating. I did actually think that the kids would make it all the way down here. It really isn't that far." Carter popped some candy into his mouth and chewed it with a smile.

"So, give me a spin. I gotta see the angel wings in all of their glory."

"Oh, I took those off. Here just a sec." He plucked them up off of the stool and put them on. He gave a little twirl and said, "Huh, huh. Pretty awesome huh?"

"Wow, you just wow." She laughed at him then and added, "Well, this is about as much fun as watching paint dry, so I'm out of here."

"Well, you picked the costume. Geesh."

She was smiling though and so was he as he walked her to the door. "See you later Mr. Young." Julia gave Lil a high five before sauntering out of the door.

"Do you need a flashlight?" He called out to her as she headed up the trail.

"Nah, my friends are out here. They have our lights." And as if on cue, a bunch of kids out by the lake waved their flashlights out at them. Cas waved back.

"Be safe."

"You know me." Julia replied giving Cas one last wave before turning away.

Cas slipped back inside, ready to finish the film.

* * *

><p>At the end of the film, Lil was still awake and fully committed to an inventory of her candies. She had separated them into piles of similar types and had counted out the pieces in each pile. Garth reached over to a pile of Twizzlers to snag one and was met with a swift hand slap from Lil.<p>

"Geesh, Lil. You can't spare just one little piece?" He looked over at Cas for support. "Tell your daughter that it isn't nice to hit." He smiled to show that he wasn't serious.

"It's not nice to steal. Just be glad that she didn't drop you with one of her fierce kicks. She is a tough little thing." He turned to Lil, "Could Garth have a candy?"

"If he asks nicely," she replied.

"Precious Lil, may I please, please have a candy?" Garth was ladling it on thick. Lil nodded and Garth swooped in for the Twizzler before she could change her mind.

"Well, I think that I need to be going. I am beat." Carter stood to go, stretching out his long limbs. "You need a ride back to town, Garth?"

"Nah, I think that I'll walk back after I con a couple more pieces out of Lil here." She looked at him with her dad's head tilt. "You know, for the road." He smiled at her and she waved her hand over the candy as if to say _take your pick._

"I'll walk you out." Cas turned to Lil. "Keep an eye on Garth while I walk Mr. B to his car."

"Okay." Lil replied naturally. Garth laughed at them while he scoped out his selections of candy.

The distant noises of teenagers and music filtered through the night. Cas felt warm and comfortable with the way that the evening had gone. He had struggled over the past week since his conversation with Dean. He lacked focus and found himself rethinking the way that things had gone. He also felt angry with himself. He was mad that he was so quick to forgive. At the time it seemed like the natural thing to do, but now, with nights of contemplation under his belt, he felt irritated. He had been faithful. He had not moved on. _I wanted him to move on. I stopped talking with him so that he would move on. Then, the moment that he does, I start freaking out. Get a grip, Cas._

That had been his week in a nutshell, punctuated with little domestic duties and Lil. Now there was Carter at his side. They had reached the car and Carter had opened the door to get in. Cas stepped closer and kissed him on the cheek. He stepped back and their eyes locked. "What, don't get that look. I would kiss my mom like that." Cas parroted Carter's words from the other night back at him.

Carter responded much as Cas had, "I'm not your mother." And he dipped back toward Cas again and kissed him gently on the lips. Cas' hands moved up to Carter's arms. He moved into the kiss and responded to it. It was gentle and inviting. He felt needed. Carter pulled Cas closer, pressing him at the same time against the edge of the car. Cas felt the tentative dart of Carter's tongue making its way into his mouth. He let it happen. It felt good. It felt like a reminder. He wanted to turn his brain off and bask in the moment of need that Carter was stirring, but he couldn't. Despite everything, he loved Dean, and this was not fair to Carter. He was using him. He gently ended the kiss. Carter looked flushed and happy with the moment. _If you knew what I was thinking…_

"I need to be getting back inside. Drive safely." Cas slipped away from Carter.

"Goodnight, Mal." He reached out to Cas again and brushed a hand along his cheek, before turning to get into his car.

"Goodnight, Carter." _We don't need to talk about it now. We have time enough for that later._

He began walking back up to the house, a plan forming in his head. He believed now that he had spent the better part of the last year living with the consequences of a mistake. He had come to believe that maybe he had been wrong to leave. He wondered if it wasn't too late to go back. And all that it took was a single kiss to set his mind to turning.

* * *

><p>Garth met him on the porch, "So, you and Carter huh?"<p>

"Oh, shut-up." Cas didn't want to talk about it. "I love someone else."

"Yeah, you sure about that?" Garth seemed to see something in him that he wasn't sharing.

"Yes, I am. I had a little moment of weakness. It won't happen again. It has just been a rough couple of weeks for me." Garth gave him a little pat on the shoulder and then made his way down the steps.

"So does this mystery man that you are in love with know how you feel? Does he know that you are tossing aside a nice guy like Carter for him?" Garth rocked back and forth on his heels a bit as he spoke.

"It's complicated. He knows that I love him, I think. Actually, I think that he knows it but that he doesn't understand it. I don't think that he has been loved before, at least not by someone that wasn't already obligated to do so due to family connections." A dawning realization was spinning about in his head. _Everyone that he has ever loved has left him. I left him. _He thought about the damage that that had likely done to Dean.

"What are you thinking, Cas?" Garth asked when the silence had stretched out.

"I don't know. I think that I need to go to him. I think that I need to stop running away from him and just be with him." He was breathing hard with the fact that he was saying it out loud, as if it was more real now.

"What made you leave in the first place?"

"I thought that we would all be safer."

"Have you been safer?"

"I think so." Cas was starting to come down from the high of his potential decision.

"Has he been safer since you left?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Will you be less safe if you go to him? Will Lil be safe?" Garth seemed to be asking all of the questions that Cas had asked for the last year.

"I don't know. I think that he will be better if we are with him. I think that my leaving is killing him." Cas was becoming upset. He didn't like being thrust back into indecision. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he is not so bad off. The last time that I spoke with him, he seemed to be moving on. Maybe I am just looking for an excuse to mess that up for him, because I don't want him to move on. Selfish."

Garth looked upset, like he wanted to give Cas the words, but he didn't know where to begin. "Would it matter if he were over you or not?"

"Yes." Cas muttered. "If he is over me, then I can let him go, let him be happy. If he isn't, if he is hurting, I might be able to fix that. I owe it to him, and I love him. I don't want him to hurt like this."

"Then maybe you ought to have a conversation with him. You need to give yourself the closure or the way back." Garth shifted about a little. "I bet he is not over you." There was something in the way that Garth said the last words that hit Cas. He looked at Garth then, really looked at him and was struck with realization.

"You called me Cas." And if he doubted his hearing before, that was swept aside by Garth's reaction.

"What are you talking about, _Malcolm_?" He overemphasized the name. Cas wasn't buying.

He fell into a slight crouch, "Who are you?"

"I don't know what you are talking about." Garth stammered out. Lil slipped out the door and stood behind them on the porch.

"Go back in the house, Lil." Cas said without turning.

"What's wrong, dad? Are you guys fighting?" She edged back behind the screen though. Cas thought about where his gun was.

Garth spoke next, "It's okay, Lil. Your dad just learned something that was uncomfortable. We are just going to talk for a few minutes in private. I'll send him back in in a second." That seemed to pacify her enough to send her back in.

"So, answer me, Garth. Who are you?" Cas gritted out again.

"Sit." Garth motioned to the step.

"No." Cas stood poised for a fight. "Talk, or I will take you down."

"Dean hired me. I am a private detective." Cas lost some of his posture with the shock of the statement. He had been prepared for Crowley, or maybe even someone else from his pool of enemies, but not Dean. _Garth had been here since the beginning._

"Why?" It was the smallest question in a sea of thoughts colliding about in his head.

"He wanted to make sure that you and Lil were safe. He has me report out every couple of days about how you are doing, if you are safe, even how you look. I have become adept at describing your face in new and creative ways."

"When was the last time that you spoke with him?" Cas was overwhelmed with the idea that this had been happening.

"Two days ago. He sounded like a wreck. If you think that he has moved on, you are terribly mistaken."

Cas settled down onto the step and Garth took the spot next to him. "I don't know what to say."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think that I just lost my job. Pretty sure Dean won't want to keep me employed now that you know." Garth rubbed his hands down his knees.

"So, he has been paying you?"

"Yeah." _That can't be cheap._

"So, what sorts of things did you tell him?" Cas wondered how much Dean knew about his daily life. He wondered how much he knew about Carter. He wondered so many things.

"Mostly, I just made him stop worrying. I would watch for new people coming and going. I would watch for anything that had a hint of the shady. So, far, so good. You picked a nice, safe, boring place to live, Cas." Garth smiled at him.

Cas considered for a moment. He looked back at Garth and considered some more. "Maybe we don't need to tell Dean just yet."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, maybe you should just keep doing what you are doing and I will pretend not to know." Cas ran his hand back up through his hair.

"Why?"

"I think that I might want to go back to him, but I need to know some things first." He paused for a second and raised a hand to Garth's shoulder. "If I pay you, would you help me?"

"Wow, Cas, you want me to go all double agent?"

"Yeah, but it is for a good cause. It might help Dean. I just want to know if he has moved on and if he is doing better. I need you to be objective. Don't sugar-coat the results."

"Well, I can tell you already that he is not doing good and that he is still hung up on you because he is still paying me to watch over you. Isn't it obvious, Cas." Garth seemed to be exasperated by Cas' doubt.

"No, it is not. It is Dean's nature to protect the people in his life. It does not mean that he is still wanting me back."

"Cas, you are dumb. Capital D-U-M-B. And Dean said that you were like all kinds of smart. You don't need to hire me to pick Dean's brain. He wants you back. He is desperate and depressed. He doesn't have to check in every week, but he does. In fact he checks in far more often. He couldn't possibly move on because all that he thinks about is you and Lil. He thinks about you all so much, that I doubt that he can possibly function. He won't solve his case, he won't meet someone new, and he won't get through this, because he can't." Garth stopped talking for a minute and stood up. "You want my advice? Well, go to him. Go to him and let him protect you while you protect him. You both need this. Leaving was right at the time, but it seems like it ain't helping either of you now."

"What about the attack? Al attacked him. Will Lil and I be safe with Dean?" This was Cas' one big hang up. He felt like the violence was still too present there. It hadn't touched his life in Jacksonville.

"You'll have to weigh that out for yourself. Dean walked into that situation, I think. He has been relatively safe for the past year. I'll refrain from mentioning to Dean that you know, though, until you give me the all clear." Garth turned to go then stopped for a moment. "Just so you know, I actually think of you as a friend. I wasn't faking any of that." Cas stepped up to Garth and gave him a hug.

"Thanks for that, Garth. Just thanks." He stepped away, and Garth walked off down the path toward the town and home.

* * *

><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Thank you all so much for the enthusiasm and thoughtful comments. This week's posting schedule may be a little funky. For instance this chapter was so large that I broke it into two parts. You will get part two tomorrow. It is a Dean and Cas part, so that should be enjoyable. Thanks smalls907 for the thoughts on Dean's emotions. So true. Thanks YoungHopeful for just plain liking this. Thanks rainystv for making me feel all warm and fuzzy with appreciation. Thanks Igniting for looking forward to these little updates so much. Hopefully, two days of updates back to back will be a good thing. Thanks Mummabro too for just speaking truth. **

**'Till tomorrow :)**


	13. Chapter 12: Bridge, Cas Part II

He came into the house with a spring in his step. He had decisions to make, and they felt like they might not all be bad. He started up the laptop and opened up his proxy server. Lil was sitting in her candy pile just a little wired, but not completely unhinged with sugar consumption.

"Are you ready to see Sam and Jess, little one?"

"Yep. Just tell me when to come over."

He sent out the email to Jess and waited for her to log in. He waited a little longer than usual since he had not preplanned this evening's visit. About a half hour later the chat opened up. Jess was smiling out at him. "Your timing is good."

"Oh, yeah? Well, I just had to show off Lil's awesome costume."

"Wait just a sec while I get the boys." Jess left the computer and bounded away from the frame. Cas sat awkwardly waiting for her to return. A few minutes later she came bounding back in. "They're on their way up. So, let's see the awesome costume."

"Come over here Lil. Show Jess your witchy self." Cas reached out to her and beckoned her over.

She popped up from the candy and launched over to Cas. _I guess some of that candy is still kicking around in her. I will never get her to sleep._ "Hi, Jess."

"Oh, scary. You look absolutely frightening." Jess raised her hands up to her face in mock horror. Just then Sam's torso showed up in the background.

"Get in here!" Sam spoke roughly as he appeared to be dragging someone into the frame. It was Dean.

"Dean, Dean, Dean!" Lil was bouncing around a little and almost knocked the laptop over.

"Careful munchkin, you are going to break things." Cas admonished while barely keeping the laptop on his lap.

"Hey there, witchy. You are too creepy." Dean smiled out through the frame. Cas watched his eyes as they darted over to his and then back to Lil like he was trying not to look at him.

"Hello, Dean." He said the words quietly, hoping that he was misreading things. Everything had ended awkwardly during their last conversation. Actually, it was worse than awkward, it was just plain bad. he tried to lighten the seriousness of the moment. Everyone was silently waiting for Dean to acknowledge the hello.

When he finally did it felt brusque, too formal for them. "Hello." He turned his attention back to Lil. "Did anyone ever tell you how terribly frightening witches are?" He looked at Lil with complete seriousness.

"No. They are just make believe, so they are not really scary." Lil smiled. "You aren't afraid of witches, Dean."

"I think that they are super scary. If a horror movie has witches in it, I can't watch it. Those things give me nightmares for weeks." Dean smiled back at her, a genuine smile that twinkled a little in his eyes.

"Is that really true?" Cas had to ask. He hadn't imagined that Dean would find something as fictional as witches to be frightening, but maybe.

"I wouldn't lie to Lil about something so serious." He glanced over at Cas and for a moment he seemed to be almost, not happy, but not miserable. He turned back to Lil and asked, "So, did you get a giant pile of candy?"

"Yeah, let me show you." She took the laptop with her over to the piles and told him about the counts for each pile.

Sam's voice piped in, "Dude, she's got Buckeyes. I haven't seen those since we were kids. What kind of neighborhood did you visit? Looks like some of this stuff came out of a vintage candy shop."

Cas spoke up as Lil was still across the room. "Some of the neighbors go all out. They do these theme decorations and buy candy to match. It is crazy. It is sort of like going to little theme parks." Lil came back over to him with the laptop, but didn't hand it over. She just angled it to include him.

"So, you should save us some of those Buckeyes." Sam gave Cas a little wink.

Cas looked at him with confusion clearly blanketing his face. "What are you saying, Sam?"

"I'm saying that Jess and I are done with this silliness of not seeing you. We are packing up the whole gang and we are coming to see you." Sam smiled out at him and Jess edged into the frame.

"Don't say no, Cas. Please don't say no. We can be very careful." She sounded like she really wanted this. Dean had slipped out of the frame. It was not clear what he wanted.

"_All_ of you will come here?" He tried to emphasize the word _all_ and hoped that his meaning was clear.

"Yes, can you accommodate us, or should we book a motel?" Sam looked like he was worried over Cas' potential response, but he was doing his best to keep it covered.

Lil was bounding around again full of chatter. "Dean, Dean, Dean. I'm going to get to see you again." He was still out of the frame.

"Let me see him," Cas said, his meaning clear. The frame tipped up to show Dean's face. He looked still and somewhat cold.

"What?" He asked.

"You are coming right?" Lil asked. His face immediately adjusted, softened.

"I don't think so, munchkin. I will likely have to work. I pretty much work all of the time now that I am off of the desk duty."

Sam chimed in, "You don't have to work on Thanksgiving, so you are going." Cas could see Dean shooting a look at his brother.

"Please, Dean, come see us." Lil had perfected the art of manipulation via cuteness. She tipped her head just so and opened her eyes extra wide. She looked like she could cry if the conversation just went a little south. Not for the first time, Cas thought that she would make an excellent lawyer.

"I don't know." He wavered a little. Cas saw his opportunity.

"Dean, don't make my daughter cry. You have to come. I want you to be here." Cas caught the shift in Dean when he looked at him. It was almost like he doubted Cas' words.

"Okay." He looked back at Lil. "You sure you have room for me? Sounds like you will have a very full house."

"Of course, silly. You are dad's boyfriend. We'll just make sure that Mr. B doesn't come over." Lil was bounding around the room again, excited by the future visitors.

"Who's Mr. B?' Sam asked.

"He is Lil's kindergarten teacher. He lives nearby. He is a friend." Cas was vague enough, but he saw something flicker across Dean's face. He wondered again if Garth had spoken of Carter.

Dean left the frame again and appeared to be leaving the room. Sam cast a look back at his brother's retreating form and let out a sigh when he was gone. "Sorry 'bout that, Cas. He has been off lately. He won't talk about it."

"I assumed that he would be." He looked at Lil and said, "Go get ready for bed. I'll be in in a minute to tuck you in."

"Ah, but I'm not tired," she whined.

"None of that. Now say goodnight to Jess and Sam." His tone afforded no room for discussion so she acquiesced.

"Goodnight, Jess. Goodnight Sam."

"Goodnight, Lil." They replied in unison and she slowly wended her way toward the room.

Sam waited a moment before dropping the question, "So, what happened?"

"We did a video chat. It was okay, at first, then things went badly." He looked back and forth from Sam to Jess and added with a slight tone of accusation, "Neither of you told me that he was seeing someone."

They both looked equally shocked. Jess replied first, "What!"

Then Sam chimed in, "Maybe because he isn't. What would make you think that?"

"He is. I guess that neither of you were aware. I feel marginally better now. I thought that maybe you were both just disregarding some vital information." Cas could see now that they were both just as taken aback as he had been.

"There is no way, Cas. He has been too depressed. He even talks about you both like it is everything. There is no way, no way." Jess was struggling with this information. "Let me go get him. We'll clear this up right now. You just misunderstood." She was about to get up.

"Don't you dare, Jess. It was bad enough the first time. And if either of you say anything that keeps him from coming here on Thanksgiving, I'll never forgive you." He tried to carry enough force in his tone to really send the message.

"So, you are okay with us all coming then? Even with the…" Sam paused not knowing how to finish the sentence, "situation."

"Yes, I was already forming some plans about the _whole _situation, actually. I think that I may have made a mistake coming here, leaving everyone. I have a lot that I need to weigh."

"What are you saying, Cas?" Jess suddenly looked hopeful.

"I'm thinking of moving us back. I think that maybe, I was wrong before." He looked like he meant it. Jess and Sam exchanged looks.

"You heard about Al attacking Dean, right?" Sam sounded serious.

"Yes, but Dean was okay. He's going to catch him. He said that he was close." Everytime Cas had to focus on the dangers he felt his resolve crumbling.

"Jess and I had hoped that he would choose to go to you instead. You chose the safer option. You could save Dean if he would just let himself be saved." Sam's words made sense. He didn't want to think about them though. It meant giving up again, because Dean would not choose them. Nothing had happened that would change that.

He let out a sigh of frustration and said, "I need to get going. Lil, is likely not going to go to sleep with any ease tonight."

"Okay, Cas." Sam attempted a half-hearted smile.

"Please don't talk Dean to death. You know how that ends. He has to come here, and if you make him overthink it, he won't." Cas hoped that Sam would be able to contain himself. It was easy to see him failing in this regard.

"I'll keep him in check, Cas. Sam and Dean have had a fair amount of miscommunications lately, but I will keep them from going down this road." Sam looked at Jess with an upturned brow as if to say, _I'm right here you know._ "Cas is right, Sam. Plus, you do tend to push Dean's fight or flight buttons with all of your talking."

"I am just more enlightened than he is. I don't think that talking is supposed to be so scary."

Cas threw in a little defense. "Yeah, so long as the topic of the conversation is them and not you. Just listen to Jess. It is only for a couple of weeks, then you can go back to being your usually talkative self." Cas smiled at him, and turned to see Lil standing in the doorway eyeing the candy piles. "Love you guys."

"We love you too, Cas," Jess said. With that he signed off and went to Lil.

"They are still coming right?" She asked.

"Yes, they are. Now you, little missy, need to get into bed." They made their way back into her bedroom, and he scooped up her doll from the nightstand. "Here's Dolly Mad." She took it and snuggled down into the covers.

"Sing me to sleep." He smiled down at her little request, wondering if she was just prolonging sleep.

"Do you have a request?"

"No. Just sing." Her eyes fluttered a little in a way that said, she was tired despite her best efforts to be otherwise.

"Okay." He felt that he was being pulled back a little into the past, into their old life, and for once it didn't feel like an impossible dream. He remembered the last night that they had all spent together at Bobby's and how he had sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" to Lil. He sang it again tonight. This time though, he thought as he sang out the words, that maybe, just maybe, the song didn't have to feel like defeat. For now, it kind of felt like hope.

* * *

><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: So, happy holidays. My gift to you, an extra day of fic. Thank you all for the love. Part of me thinks that I wrote in a Halloween chapter just so that I could put wings on Cas in an AU, make Garth a werewolf, and make Dean love one little witchy just a little. Thanks legsinger for liking the shifting from fluffy stuff to angsty stuff. Yes, Andi800 and Mummabro that was a subtle little Homestuck reference. I don't read it, but I thought that it might be something fun to throw in. Lastly, YoungHopeful, thanks for being Dean and Cas' little cheerleader.**


	14. Chapter 13: Bridge, Dean

_God damn Halloween._ _Why did that holiday become a thing? Hardly the problem, Winchester. Now Thanksgiving, that will be a problem. Damn, damn, damn._ Sammy had even given him what could only be called the absolute stink eye when he came down to the living room. If that hadn't been enough there had been Jess to contend with next. Each time that Sam started to speak she would slug him in the arm. It got so awkward that Dean did what Dean does best, he got the heck out of there.

Now he had whittled away days and weeks to a fine pulp that could now be called the past and he still did not know how he was going to get out of the trip to Jacksonville without making waves at home. Each time that he saw Sam, the conversation could have been replayed from a prior recording: "Hey, Sam." "You're going." "I didn't say anything." "Shut-up. You're going."

Then there was the redirect and the awkward departure. It just gets worse too. Anna was planning to go. She texted to let him know. She asked if that would be weird. _Of course that wouldn't be fucking weird, Anna. God, no. Let's go together and make a date of it. Damn, damn, damn._ Then there was Lil. He wanted to see the kid. He missed her. The thought of actually lying to her upset him the most. He felt that they had a connection forged by the similarities of their losses. He didn't want to be another disappointment to her.

He could feel his heart racing with the merest anticipation of the trip, this was even without thinking of Cas. He did his best not to think about Cas, but that was like not thinking about something bold and vibrant splashed on a blank canvas. He had existed so long in muted days that the prospect of seeing Cas, flesh and blood Cas, no screens between them, was enough to send him into palpitations of all sorts.

So, he plugged away at work. He dove into new cases and fixated onto the old. He went to Stiel several times and found nothing helpful. He met with people. They told him nothing. As near as he could tell, Al had vanished without a trace. He was a ghost, and Dean did not know how to deal with something like that. Not catching him was like salt in a wound; it burned each time that he thought of it.

His lunch break came and went. He hadn't realized just how long it had been since he had eaten until his stomach sent out a noise of absolute protest. It was late in the evening by the time that he noticed. He glanced around the office, pulled together his papers, and decided to head out to the local greasy spoon that a bunch of his co-workers frequented. He found a booth in the back that had a newspaper spread out on the bench seat. He placed his order and decided to read a little to pass the time.

Normally, he would not have even glanced at the business section, but it was right on the top. The over large, top of the fold image of Lucky Crowley and Ezra Brady stared out at him. "Hmm." The article was about the merger. It had been finalized. The board was trying to decide on what do about leadership. The article speculated about the merits of the two CEOs. Brady's qualities were pitted against Crowley's. No matter how the leadership was dealt with, both men stood to gain significantly from their stock holdings. He considered this for awhile. He wondered if this connected. Then, in his head, it just started to fit.

He pulled out his phone and decided to summon Lucky Crowley to the diner. He had his number. He had gained it during the early investigation. He pushed send and waited. Several rings later and a very out of breath voice answered. "What?"

"This is Dean Winchester. I am hoping to speak with Lucky." He tried to sound confident, professional.

"Hello, Dean. Sorry about that. I didn't have you in my contacts. Thought that you were someone else. It has been a long time. I think that the last time we spoke, you threatened me, so, I am a little surprised to be getting a call from you." He sounded smooth, in control.

Dean got right to the point. "I need to meet with you. Are you available?"

"Wow, you don't beat around the bush. I am a tad busy right now with…" he paused and some shuffling could be heard in the background, "things."

"It is important. I wouldn't call you if it wasn't."

"Is this an official request?"

"No, but if you want me to make it one, then by all means, don't meet with me tonight." Dean wasn't sure if he could make the meeting official. He only had a hunch, nothing more.

"Fine. Where shall we meet?" Dean gave him the address of the diner and hoped that he was right. The wait would make him question himself a dozen times, but he felt like he had turned a corner.

* * *

><p>Crowley entered the diner with a small entourage. He waved his suited men to a table at the front of the diner. Dean felt like he may have made a mistake. Crowley drew up to the table, his suit, black on black. His beard was trimmed to neat edges that seemed too neat for the evening. Dean reached up and ran a hand along the scruff of his chin feeling the stubble that had emerged since his morning shave. He stood, "Hello, Crowley. Have a seat." Before he could sit himself, one of Crowley's men came up to him and ran his hands over Dean's body, checking for wires.<p>

"Call me Lucky. Also, I don't give my consent to being recorded, if you had any plans of that sort." He cast a glance at the bench seat and took a seat as though he didn't want to touch any of the surfaces. "Really, Dean, you couldn't pick a nicer place?"

"Only the best, for my friends." Dean smirked at him. "So, you always travel with so many fans?" He waved over at the others.

"Can't be too safe. You seem to have a nasty habit of drawing trouble wherever you go. At least that is what I gathered from your boyfriend. Oh, wait, that would be ex-boyfriend wouldn't it?" His eyebrow raised in disdain. Dean gripped the bench seat in irritation.

"Hmm, if I remember right, that was not my doing. I think, if memory serves, A worked for you. Was I mistaken about that?" Dean tried to sound calm, in control.

"Well, I certainly am glad that you dragged me out for this little trip down memory lane, but really, is there some greater purpose to tonight's little meet up? Not that I don't mind your company. You are easy on the eyes even if you have a less than agreeable personality." He leaned back in the seat, then seemed to rethink it as he seemed to remember the sticky surfaces of the diner.

"You did not send A after us?" Dean dove right to the point.

"Yes. I think that I already said that much before," Lucky looked at him with a slight smile playing out at the edges of his lips.

"I know, but I didn't believe you then. I do now."

Lucky clapped his hands slowly, emphasizing the sarcasm. "Well, bully for you Dean. Way to catch up."

"Oh, this doesn't mean that I think that you are innocent, mind you. I just don't think that you sent A after us, and I don't think that you wanted M killed." Dean leaned forward onto the table and peered straight into his eyes.

"So, Dean. What is this little sharing thing that you are doing? Why share the epiphany?" Lucky was relaxed. He seemed to be comfortable with Dean's realization and even with his claim that he wasn't so innocent.

"I think that you might know why someone would send A after us. I think that you could speculate a little." Dean looked off at the waitress and tapped his coffee mug for a refill. She came over reluctantly, filled it and darted back to the counter. She felt the vibe in the restaurant it seemed. "So, Lucky, if you had to guess, who do you think would benefit from retrieving those files the most?" Dean took a small sip from the mug and peered out over it at Lucky.

"Those were my files. I would have the most to gain from retrieving them," Lucky said. Dean was surprised. It almost felt like an admission of guilt, but he knew better.

"Except that you didn't send A after the files. So, someone else had more to lose if they fell into the wrong hands. Who do you think that could be?" Dean was beginning to feel impatient.

"Hmm, what you seem to be thinking is that I want to share. Really, Dean, what do I have to gain from sharing? My company has just merged with Stiel. I am on the verge of being made the CEO of one of the largest pharmaceutical companies in North America. Telling you anything could only serve to jeopardize my business. I'm a businessman, Dean. I don't take risks. Talking with you is enough of a risk."

"I heard that it is not a foregone conclusion that you will be made the CEO. Apparently, your friend, Ezra Brady, is in line ahead of you for that slot." Dean played his card and waited.

"They won't pick him. He does not have enough sense to be given the position. The only reason that they haven't replaced him yet at Stiel is because of the history that he carries with him." Lucky fell silent then, noticeably irritated.

"Maybe history matters. Maybe the board will value that more than you think, unless they have a good reason not to."

"So, Dean, are you enjoying your little fishing trip?" Lucky started to slide out of the seat. "I think that we are done here. Thanks for wasting my time."

"This isn't really about the merger or any of that. It is about M. You told Cas that you liked M. I'm beginning to wonder if that was true." Dean noticed a slight twitch in his lip. His hands came up to the table. He watched them press down flat to the once loathsome surface.

"I did like that woman. I liked her tenacity. She was not one to take shit from anyone, not even me. I watched her become so much more than she would have been. I took her in. I set her on a path to success. If it weren't for me she would have languished away in a dull cubicle filled with pictures of her kid and some cats, waiting for her past to catch up with her. So, don't you dare say that I didn't care about her." He seemed to realize that he was letting his emotions control him. He stopped talking and moved his hands back down to his lap. He took a deep breath. "She was like me. Shitty parent, shitty situation, shitty life, and I took care of her."

"So, who would have sent A to kill her?" Dean lowered his voice, hoping not to break the spell of their conversation.

Lucky squinted over at him, "It was never about the case that your boyfriend was working on. It was something older. M found something from when the company split. I think that the reason that she is dead is because someone would stand to lose a lot if that information managed to get out to the public. Now, I suppose that whatever she found would cause me to lose a lot of money too if that information fell into the wrong hands, but murder was no solution. It is too messy. Clearly, some people don't think so."

"You don't seem to be above roughing someone up to get what you want though. I remember your story from Ezra's dinner party. You also employed A and Al, and you did not do so for their keen intellects."

"True. I liked the intimidation that they brought to the table. They were capable of such ruthlessness, such menace. I avoided a lot of messy business by employing them, Mr. Winchester." He eased back from the table again and let his hands fall back into his lap. He stood up abruptly. "I advise you to look at who, beside me, of course, stands to gain the most from the secrets that M's files almost exposed. You don't need to look far."

"Why can't you just tell me?" Dean sounded irritated.

"Self-interest. If you haven't figured it out in the next month, see me. I need to be named CEO before I can be more direct. I also can't share anything that will lead to bad press for the company. Too much money will be lost if I do, especially with the merger so fresh."

Dean couldn't accept it. He was so close. "Just give me something here. I feel like I've got nothing to go on."

"You've got tons. It would bite you if it were any closer. It wouldn't hurt you to look into M's past either. It has nothing to do with her death, well, not really. I just think that Lil and your boyfriend will need to know. It will come down on them someday and they should be prepared."

"What do you mean?" He hadn't thought that any of this could be more complicated. He had thought that Cas and Lil had been rather safe in their new lives.

"I mean, that M's past will find Lil eventually. Cas will need to be prepared for that."

Dean had given up his focus. All he could think about now was that Cas and Lil would be in trouble. Something would find them, something not safe. "If you really cared you would tell me directly. Who do we need to be worried about?"

Lucky moved from the table. "Mirov," he said as he walked out to the front of the diner, cast a glance back at Dean, then walked out into the night.

* * *

><p>He set up the video chat not long after he got home. He didn't want to take any risks. He also didn't fully understand the things that Lucky had told him, and he needed Cas to go through the details with him, make it make sense. He sent off the email, hoping that he hadn't burned the bridge too much with Cas. <em>He could choose not to reply. He could choose not to talk to me.<em> It was 11 pm before the chat window came to life. Cas was there.

"Hello, Dean." The familiar greeting felt too formal.

"Cas." His response felt even more so. "I met with Crowley today. It gave me something new to worry about."

Cas leaned forward to better take it in. "What did you learn?"

"He said that you and Lil need to worry about M's connection with Mirov." Dean's tone was all business. "Can you think of any reason why?" Cas seemed to be thinking it through, then his expression changed a little. "Talk to me. What are you thinking?"

"It might be nothing, but Lil told me a story. It was a story that got me looking into some things. I had done my level best to push it aside, but that might have been a mistake." He glanced past the screen toward Lil's room then he looked back and continued. "She said that she went to Mexico with her mom some years ago. When she was there a man approached them claiming to be family. She said that he had an accent and that he was blonde haired like her. She said that M freaked out about it. They left right after the encounter."

"You think that maybe that man was Mirov?"

"I showed her an old picture and she said that it kind of looked like him. He likely looks much older now. The man she met had claimed that he hadn't seen M since she had been a baby"

"I think that I'll speculate then. So, when I got back to my place after meeting with Crowley, I did a little digging. Turns out that M's mom worked for Niveus. She was in Zaire during the early Mirov days. They knew each other. She left the research facility years before Mirov did though."

Cas seemed to be putting the pieces together. "He could be M's father, though. That's what you are thinking isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Why would Lucky tell you this?" Cas looked puzzled.

"He may have been trying to distract me from the case. Or he may have been worried about Lil. He said that he cared about M. He may have thought that this information would help us protect Lil."

Cas' expression changed subtly at that last comment. "I'll protect her. We haven't seen any dangers out here."

Dean quirked up a brow at this. "All the more reason for me not to come out on Thanksgiving."

"No, you're coming." Cas looked at him with thinly veiled irritation.

"You sound like Sammy."

"You should just listen to your brother, Dean."

"Look, Cas, I'm sorry. I honestly don't think that I should come out there though. I'm worried about how it will go, what it will unleash."

"You are just worried about it being awkward with us." Cas was matter of fact in his tone. "It will be completely awkward, and I don't care. You are coming. Lil expects you to do this. And frankly, Dean, this is just par for the course with us. We never have done anything the easy way. So why shouldn't this be a mess too?"

Dean looked about as though he couldn't quite make eye contact. Then he looked at Cas. "You know, I will never understand why you put up with me. I mean, you don't talk to me for a year and then you find out that I am kind of an asshole. Then, instead of yelling at me and telling me to fuck off, you just accept it and say let's move on."

"Well, I'm not sure if you can wrap your head around this, but, I feel like I made a mistake. I think that I put you in a bad place when I Ieft. I couldn't expect you to become some sort of a celibate without me around. I had even hoped that you would find someone that could be there for you. Now that you have started venturing out, I am not too happy about it, but what can I really do?" He looked away, seeming to consider his next words. "It was the reason why I never contacted you. I thought that you would have a better shot at meeting someone if I didn't get in the way."

"God, we suck. I thought that I was doing the same thing for you." Dean had a slight wrinkle to his brows then. "There's stuff you don't know. Stuff you won't be able to forgive." Dean grew quiet.

"Well, Dean, we'll never know if you don't tell me." Cas' face was warmth and ease. Dean couldn't speak when he looked at him. He didn't want to hurt him.

"I can't, Cas. I really can't. It'll hurt you. I don't want to hurt you."

"Maybe we can wait then. I will hear the rest when you are ready to share it."

"Could I ask you something?" Dean was seeking comfort tonight. He had almost been ready to toss the case aside. He had almost been ready to give it all up. He just wanted to be wherever Cas was, but his life went down another path.

"Ask me anything."

"Why did Lil say that you all would need to keep this Mr. B fellow from coming over on Thanksgiving?"

"Well, not the question that I was expecting." Cas paused a moment then replied, "Like I said last night, he is Lil's teacher. He has been rather interested in me. Lil does not approve."

"Good kid." Dean smiled, then realized that he had said that out loud. "Umm, sorry. I mean yeah."

"It's okay. He's a good man. I told him though that it wouldn't work with us."

"Maybe you should give him a chance." Dean didn't really mean it, but he didn't want to deny Cas a life with someone good, someone stable.

"I kissed him." Dean's face fell a little. He tried to cover a little, but Cas clearly saw the impact of his words. "It was a reminder of the past. All I could think about when he kissed me was how much it wasn't you . I won't be pursuing anything with Carter, just so you know."

"I don't want to hold you back."

"I use to think that too, but you know what. We are both terrible liars. We both want to hold each other back. Neither one of us wants the other to skip off into the sunset with someone else."

"So, what do we do?" Dean thought that at this moment he was willing to follow orders, do whatever Cas said right now. He felt like he was getting a potential shot at a new life. He was ready for his redo.

"We talk at Thanksgiving. We think of ways that we can carry each other through this screwed up life that we are living. We think of how we can do this together instead of apart."

"Okay." Dean looked like he had hope. His face was not the picture of seriousness that it had been at the start of the conversation.

"I'm going to bed. We'll talk. Goodnight, Dean."

Goodnight, Cas. Pleasant dreams." He clicked off the chat.

* * *

><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Hello all. I figured that I would post a chapter today since you didn't get one on Thursday. I'm not a hundred percent happy with this chapter, but I am happy with the Dean and Cas interaction. I just started work on my ficlet challenge piece. It is a period piece, which should be all sorts of different for me.**

**Thanks to all of my usual reviewers. You all are just wonderful. Thanks Ary, sometimes I think that I am Lil too. Igniting, sorry I forgot to give you a timeline for the next posting, my bad. I hope to keep Garth in the mix. I like him too. I liked your comments on Lil. I modeled her after my own child. She has been raised on a healthy dose of snark and wit so, I try to put that into Lil too. 'Till Monday.**


	15. Chapter 14: Tempo Rubato, Cas

The meeting with Pamela promised to be significant. He had decided to tell her about his other life. He wanted her advice. He wanted to know if he was making a mistake. Everyone else in his life had a bias of some sorts. He felt like maybe Pamela would see a path that he had not considered. So after meeting with Lil and going over their homework, writing Thanksgiving letters to each other, Lil ventured out into the waiting room.

"So, Thanksgiving letters, huh? You're kinda phoning it in this week aren't you?" He laughed at the look on her face. She appeared to be insulted. Then the smile crept up at the edges of her mouth and she just laughed at him.

"You got me there. I'm running out of the good stuff. It won't hurt though. She'll focus on good things, things to be thankful for, and so will you. It is a good attitude to have this week." She continued to smile, warm and genuine.

"Pamela, I am grateful for you. Thanks for getting us through this year."

"You sound like you are about to give me a break-up speech. If you want better homework just say the word." She laughed a little, and he joined her.

"No, no. I really just meant thanks. I am hoping for some advice though." He told her the story. He ended some time later, and she looked unhappy.

"So, now you are thinking of moving back to the city, back to that life?"

"Yes." He sounded reluctant. He was a little, since she looked and sounded appalled.

"What the Hell is wrong with you? You almost got killed. Lil's mom got killed. Lil got stabbed. Your boyfriend got shot. The smartest thing you have ever done was leave that hot bed of danger."

Cas was crestfallen. She was saying what he had already believed, but he had spent a fair amount of time trying to convince himself that he had been wrong. "I guess that I already knew that I should not be trying to patch things up with him. It is too dangerous."

"I didn't say that. I just don't think that you should be moving back to the city. If he is the right one for you, then he should join you here, where it is safe."

"What if I can't convince him to do this? I asked him before and he said that he couldn't. I really think that he is deparate. I think that he needs me. I need him too."

"Lil needs you too. Think with your head here, Malcolm." She drummed her fingers on the desk a little. "I am sensing that you have some abandonment issues. You seem awfully quick to want to run back to him. You do know what you are worth, right?" Cas just stared at her, taking it all in. "You have to respond in an audible way, Malcolm. Can't see you remember?"

"Um, that's not entirely accurate, your assessment of me. I don't have abandonment issues, and I have a sense of self-worth."

"So, no one that you have ever loved has left you?"

"I have been left, but I don't have any issues with it. It had to happen. It turned out fine. He was an asshole anyway."

"Sounds like it didn't bother you at all. Clearly, I was completely wrong." She smiled again and Cas scowled back, knowing that he could get away with it.

"I can hear your face; stop scowling. As far as self-worth goes, you should stop thinking that you aren't worth a little sacrifice. If Dean loves you, really loves you, then he will come to you. He doesn't have anything in the city that is worth staying for. You, Malcolm, are worth running to. You said that he is coming here for Thanksgiving. Show him what this life could be. As far as his little dalliance goes, you are going to have to decide whether or not you can get over that. If you can let it go, really let it go. If you can't, then you have to let Dean go." She huffed out a giant breath and said, "Wow, I am on a roll. What else can I give advice on today?"

He laughed at her. "You've given me a lot to think about. I hope that I can convince him that this is where he needs to be. I just don't know if I can take it if he rejects me again."

"If it helps, I don't think that he is rejecting you. I think that he is dealing with his own self-worth issues. I think that he chose to let you go, because he thought that he was bringing harm into your life. At least that is what I am gathering from what you have told me. Maybe you are just painting him with a favorable palate of colors though."

"You may be right. He does have this ever present need to fix things. Maybe he thought that he needed to fix me by removing himself from my life. He had pretty much said something like that once."

"Fucking martyrs." Cas snorted out a shocked little laugh. "On that note, you should get going. Lil's probably bored out of her mind out there. She's too smart to be entertained by Kimmie for too long. Girl's dumber than a pile of soggy socks."

"Ah, she's not that bad." Kimmie was the receptionist that Pamela had hired to replace her last employee, an aged old crone that had to retire at some point. Kimmie couldn't possibly fill her shoes.

"You don't even know. She could not figure out how to work the fax machine, and it's not like I didn't show her how to use it. I mean seriously."

"Maybe, she'll get better."

"Here's to hoping. Take care, Mal. See you next week." She stood and walked with him to the door.

"Yeah, I'll have a full report on that thoughtful homework assignment that you came up with too."

"Good." They both laughed as they left the office. He retrieved Lil from her seat. She was looking over a _Highlights _magazine and Kimmie was staring absently at her computer screen. Cas could see the tabs for Facebook and YouTube at the top. Her current screen though was work related.

He smiled down at Lil. "Let's get out of here. We have a ton of stuff to do before our company gets here."

"But Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Today is only Monday." Lil looked up at him.

"And you would be surprised by how fast a week can go by. Now, let's get some shopping done, and later you can help me clean." Lil gave him a sour face, but she followed him without a word of complaint. _Small victories._

* * *

><p>Monday turned to Tuesday, turned to Wednesday, and Cas was feeling overwhelmed. It was a feeling that was becoming all too common. He had bought some blow up mattresses and had planned to put everybody up on those. It was going to be a very full house. Everybody was doing the plus one deal, Sam with Jess, Uriel with Sarah, Gabe with Kali, and he assumed that Anna would be with someone. It had been a year so, it seemed likely. Then there was Dean. <em>His plus one is already here thank you very much.<em> Cas smiled a little secret smile to himself and then faltered as he considered the sleeping arrangements. He didn't want to assume, but really he did. He wanted to assume a lot.

Instead he redirected his thoughts toward the meal. He had prepared all of the items that could be made the day before. He had chopped and diced. He had even gotten a fair amount of help out of Lil, and now she was off hiding from him so that he couldn't drag her back into his little world again. _Fair enough, she earned a break._

He had spaces carved out for his friends in all of the available nooks and crannies of his home. Lil's room would be sacrificed to one of the couples. His office area would go to another. Lil would get the couch. Anna would get the living room. She would have to share the space with Lil. He considered just putting Lil in his room, but then he had other plans, assumptions even.

The rooms were filled with the holiday scents that come from fresh chopped herbs and lovingly generous quantities of butter. He was so focused on his task that he didn't see his front screen open or Carter slip in. "Hey, good looking. What you got cooking?" He strolled over to Cas and wrapped an arm around his waist.

Cas slipped away and said, "Here, make yourself useful and prep these." He handed Carter the unpeeled sweet potatoes and went back to work on his pie.

Carter smiled at him and did as he was told. "So, you seem to be expecting an army. Who all is coming?"

"Everyone. Literally."

"I don't recall getting an invite, so I must assume that it is not quite everyone."

"Oh, I, um, sorry. I hadn't thought to ask. I just assumed that you'd be spending it with your family or something."

"Oh, I wasn't angling for an invite. However, if you wanted me here, I'd be here. Otherwise, it is off to dear old mom and pop's for family bickering and awkwardness." Carter focused on the peeling of the sweet potatoes, and Cas did not miss the tone that Carter had used. He really wanted to be at Cas' place for Thanksgiving.

"I can't invite you Carter."

"Oh, I wasn't expecting it." He looked disappointed though.

"It's just that Dean is going to be here."

"Oh." Now he looked very disappointed. "Dude has great timing."

"Hmm." Cas couldn't say much. What could he say really? They hadn't spoken about the kiss. They had fallen back into their routine of simple chit chat and coffee on the front porch. It had been easy and Cas was okay with that.

"I have to admit, that I really want to come over now. I want to scope out the competition." Carter was trying to sound light, but Cas saw through it.

"That would be the most awkward thing on God's green earth. So, no, and then no."

Carter set aside the sweet potato that he was pealing into a misshapen lump. "Is he just coming out for dinner?"

Cas could hear hope in his question. Cas killed it with his answer. "No, he will be staying for a few days."

"So, I guess that I lost you huh?" Cas didn't know what to say to that. He felt awful. He had encouraged him, and then crushed him. Pamela had been wrong, he knew what he was worth, and right now it looked like shit.

"I'm sorry, Carter."

"No, Mal. You told me. Doesn't make it any easier, but you tried." He stepped up to Cas then. "One for the road?" He reached up and cupped Cas' face in his hands. Cas nodded just a little. Carter leaned in and kissed him. It was sweet, and Cas moved into it. He set his hand up on Carter's chest and kissed him back. Carter stepped away before it became deeper. "I'll see you around."

"You will." Cas didn't want to say goodbye as it would sound more final. He didn't want to hurt him. He even felt a stab of loss as Carter slipped out the front door. There was certainly affection sailing around in his heart for this man, and he didn't want to bring him pain. He couldn't set his mind back onto the task in front of him so he didn't. Instead he turned on his stereo and cranked up his music so loud that he couldn't possibly think anymore.

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><p>Thanksgiving. <em>I am grateful for time.<em> _Damn time. I need more of you._ He had put the turkey in the oven and had worked on all of the other foods. The house was roasting sage and herbs of all sorts dancing about in a swirl of smells designed to make one salivate. He added thyme to the stuffing and laughed a little to himself. _I am grateful for thyme. I need more of you too. _He was giddy with the sheer amount of stuff that he had to finish and the anticipation of a full house within the next couple of hours. His nimble fingers plucked the tiny leaves from the sticks, meticulously separating the thyme leaves from the nonedible parts. Lil was helping too. He gave her several tasks and she was now covered in flour. _I need to budget in time for a cleanup on aisle Lil._

In this way their day passed. Cas had limited cooking experiences before, but his year with Lil had changed that. They didn't have many options for dining out, and cooking became much more convenient. He developed a repertoire of go-to meals that seemed to be acceptable to Lil. Each week he tried something new, and now he had some skill. The food was all in the ovens and on the counters. Lil had helped set the table, and now all that they had to do was wait. He had chatted with Jess the night before and he had a rough idea of when they would arrive.

He almost wanted to sit outside and stare anxiously out at the driveway. Lil was out there though, and she would act as a little alarm for when they arrived. And as if on cue, suddenly her voice started calling out, "They're here! They're here!" The sound of gravel crunching traveled to him first as the Impala and Sam's hybrid pulled up. Cas went out onto the front porch then and tried to reign in his excitement. Lil, exclamations were an outward display of what he was feeling.

In mere moments, the car doors were open and his people were pouring out. Out of Dean's car spilled Dean, Kali, and Gabe. Gabe rushed him like a charging bull. He threw a hug on Cas that nearly knocked him on his ass. "Missed me much?" Cas laughed and hugged him back.

"Nah." Gabe quipped as he stepped back attempting to recover his composure.

Uriel was next. He was not as wild as Gabe, but he hugged Cas. "We have missed you, friend, so much."

When he stepped away, Cas could already feel himself shaking with the emotion of this reunion. "It has not been easy. I have needed your friendship this past year. No one out here ever calls me on my bullshit." They exchanged a quiet laugh, and it was all that Cas could do to keep his emotions in check. He had not allowed himself to dwell on the distance he had placed between himself and his friends. He had not allowed himself to regret it too much, because he had told himself that he was making things easier for them. In this moment, he realized that this was maybe another moment in his life that he had gotten wrong.

Sarah and Kali were both standing by Uriel and Gabe. Cas took a moment to say how happy he was to see them again. He kept throwing glances out to Dean, waiting for him to approach. He was pressing back the urge to run to him, to hold him, to never let go again.

Anna hovered back by Sam's car waiting for her turn. She slowly edged toward him, as though she was afraid of scaring off a timid woodland creature. "Cas." It was all she could say, He scooped her up and spun her around.

"I have had so many lunch conversations with you this past year. I have missed you, everyday." He had his head tucked into her shoulder as he spoke.

"Then I can't wait to spend the weekend convincing you to come back to us." Cas set her down and she smiled at him. "A year, Cas, a fucking year." There was a layer of guilt in the tone, but it was buried under a deeper layer of sadness.

"I know. I want to make it right though." Her eyes took on a light of hope, and she stepped aside for Sam and Jess.

Greeting them held emotion, but somehow it was not so bad. They had managed to communicate fairly regularly, and that had made things easier for all of them. Sam still threw his arms around Cas, though in a giant moose hug and Jess followed up with her own version. Lil came down and hugged Jess next. They had bonded over many a video chat and the warmth between them was almost palpable.

Dean had not dragged himself from the side of the Impala yet. He seemed to be glued there. "Lil, take our guests inside and offer them drinks." He stared at Dean and then added, "I'll be in in just a minute." The others looked back at Dean almost in unison. They all seemed to realize the need for the moment and headed in.

Cas had not planned for this moment. He had planned for so much else. He had assumed and dreamed and had whole one-sided conversations, but somehow, he had not planned this first interaction. How he should approach, how he should speak or not speak, how he should feel, were all considerations that had been swept aside during the rush to this day. Dean pushed himself off of the car toward Cas.

Neither had said a word yet. Cas stepped toward him, just one step. There was a desire to move faster and a fear that had kept him from firing off like a rocket at Dean. There was room for rejection in this moment. He feared it. _What if he hugs me and it is cold? What if he puts a platonic spin on everything, keeping me at arm's length?_ Then he looked just at Dean's eyes and saw something reflecting back at him that was so familiar. It was everything that he had felt this past year captured in his look. He thought one last thing before they bridged the gap, _What if, this time, I hold him and never let him go?_

The steps it took to get together were few and many. Dean's arms were around him, his body was crushed to his chest. Their lips met and it was as though they had never parted, except for the urgency stirring in them both. There was only them and the world fell away. _I'll never let you leave. Never, never, never._ His mind whirled with the heady intoxication of Dean. His hands were pressed to his back, pulling him in tight.

Dean broke the kiss, but did not let Cas go. "You taste like apple pie."

Not the first words that Cas expected to hear, but they brought a smile to his face. "I was making pies for dessert. I may have sampled some."

"Just when I think I couldn't want you more you go and do that." Dean kissed him again and Cas felt the warmth and familiarity of it blanket him. It was a fire and a welcoming hearth on a cold winter's night. He was home.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Well, here is the long awaited reunion. Thank you all for the reviews. Thanks specifically to Mummabro, legsinger, and Igniting for the most recent comments. I hope that this chapter was enjoyable. I was happy with it when I wrote it and have hopes that it will be well received. Also, the title is a musical term that, when literally translated means stolen time.**

**On another note, I posted a preview to my ficlet for the destiel ficlet challenge on my tumblr if you are at all interested. It is set in the late 1940s and it will only be 10k when it is complete. I put up about 3k of it just to see if it was okay. Let me know what you think if you read it. 'Till Thursday.**


	16. Chapter 15: Tempo Rubato, Dean

Thanksgiving. _I need more time._ He was repacking his bag for the third time, and he had thought about just chucking it at the wall. _I can't do this. I can't go._ His phone buzzed in his back pocket. He knew that it was Sam without even checking it. He was already late, and they were waiting for him so that they could all go caravan style.

He finally gave up on the packing and zipped up the bag. "Whatever." He muttered out to the empty room. He stormed out of the apartment and to his car. He decided to check the phone on the way.

Sam's words came with all the tone that Dean had come to expect from his brother. "Get your ass over here. We can't leave without you. You are carrying passengers."

_Damn it._ He had thought that he would at least be driving alone. Now he had to deal with the banality of chit chat and people hating on his music. He thought about his potential travel companions and cringed. There was no good option. _Not Anna. God no, not her. Too awkward. Not Gabe, please. I won't survive. Uriel, maybe. I don't think that he likes me. Maybe I can get Sam to hand over his car and then he and Jess could ride with me. _Then he thought about the past week with Sam and his many attempts at conversation, the awkwardness of Jess stopping him, and the inevitable silences. _Nope, that plan sucks too. All plans officially suck._

He pulled up to Sam's place and saw the group lingering out on the front yard. "'Bout time you got here Deany-Weany-Bo-Beany." Gabe walked over to the car and tossed in his stuff.

"So, I guess that this means that you are riding with me?" Dean tried to cover his lack of enthusiasm.

"Yep, and Kali. She is going to work, so she gets the whole back seat. I get shotgun." He smiled, endearing in a way that almost made Dean forget that he was a bit of a nuisance, almost.

Sam called over, "So, Bobby didn't change his mind about going?"

"Nope, he is pretty well set on spending the holiday with his gal. I think that he is going all domestic on us." Dean smiled and walked over to Sam and Jess. They each gave him a hug and pitying looks.

"You doing okay?" Sam asked and Jess slugged him.

"Yeah. Should I be worried about all of the domestic violence that Jess has been unleashing on you lately?" Dean looked back and forth from Jess to Sam.

"Someone has to keep me in check." They laughed a little and the mood returned. "We need to get on the road like 20 minutes ago. You all ready to go?"

"Yep. I guess I'll see you there or when we stop for gas." Dean started heading over to his car.

"I won't need to stop, but if you take the lead, I'll pull off when you do."

"Sure Mr. Pretentious Hybrid Guy."

Sam responded in his best dufus voice, "Sure, asshole."

"Boys, boys, seriously, let's get going." Anna gave Dean a subtle nod that seemed to say, no worries. Dean let out a slight sigh of relief. He had wondered if she would feel the need to chat about things. He didn't want that at all.

They got into their cars then and Dean felt time slow down. He knew from the moment that Gabe plopped down in the passenger's seat that this would be a long drive. First, his hand reached for the stereo as if he were going to change the station. Dean slapped his hand away though before any damage could be done. "Seriously." Gabe whined out.

"Yeah, seriously. Baby doesn't like any crappy pop music." Dean gave him a look of absolute seriousness.

"I have excellent musical tastes. It's Uriel you have to worry about. Dude loves Abba. They both cringed a little together.

Kali chimed in, "I don't see what's wrong with that."

"Don't, just don't. We might have to break up." Gabe turned to her.

"Ha, as if. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you." She smiled at him and added, "Plus, Abba isn't bad."

"Back me up Dean."

"I don't know if I should argue with Kali, but yeah, they suck." He had lost some of his worry over the trip with the banter and smiled a little. Then Gabe launched down another path.

"So, it's going to be weird seeing him again after all this time huh?"

"Yeah." He was casting about in his head for an escape, but there was none to latch onto.

"At least you have gotten to talk with him."

"That's a recent development. We only talked a couple of times and they have all been in the last month."

Gabe looked at him in shock. "Really?" How?"

Dean's tone turned a little sharp, "What do you mean, how?"

"I mean, how do you not talk to your boyfriend for over a year? I thought that you two parted on melancholy terms, not like I hate you, never speak to me again terms."

"Yeah, it was a mutual decision." _Not really._ "He needed space to start his new life, and I needed to not get in the way of that."

"Really?"

"Well, yeah."

"So, did it work? Is Cas like all moved on and such?" Gabe pulled his feet up onto the seat in a weird position, like sitting indian style.

"Don't put you feet on the seat. And, no, he hasn't moved on per se." Dean didn't want to share anymore. Kali was wearing headphones in the back now and clicking away on her laptop. There would be no rescue from the back seat.

"So that explains why you didn't reach out to him, but why didn't he reach out to you?"

"Same song, different singer. He wanted me to move on too, make a new life."

"Did you? I'm afraid I haven't kept up enough with Sammy on your life."

"Nope. Not really. I have not been a saint, but I never actually moved on." He didn't know why he was admitting so much. He guessed that he was looking for another avenue of disapproval and condemnation.

"Hmm, does Cas know about your less than saintly year?"

"Yes."

"And, he is okay with it?"

"He said that he understood. I don't understand, so I don't know how he could. He still wanted me to come out today. I guess that is something."

"So, are you guys going to be like all coupley or is it going to be like awkward friends that don't have a clue what to say to each other?"

"I don't know. I don't know what Cas expects."

"What do you plan to do? I mean, are you going to dive into his arms and such?"

"Wow, chick flick. No. I am not going to do that."

"Why not. You haven't seen him for a year. All that tension, all that stuff, is going to hit you. I bet you totally lose it." Gabe was laughing a little at his vision.

"Glad to amuse you, dick."

"Hey, I'm just saying."

"I don't want it to be any more weird than it has to be. I'm not going to throw myself at him and make it awkward. So, yeah."

"Tell you what. I'll throw myself at him first, then you won't seem so awkward. In fact, I will practically knock that little bugger off his feet. If I do that, then you better step up your game." Gabe stared off ahead at the road and subtly reached out for the stereo knob. Dean let him. Music would prove a better distraction than all of this talk. It wasn't long before he had regrets, though. Gabe had managed to find a soft rock station. He was certain that it was impairing his ability to drive as it was the mellowest, sleep inducing music ever made. When Enya starting singing "Sail Away" his speed had dropped to just under 60 MPH. He glanced out his side window into the passing lane and saw Sam's car pull up alongside his. The window rolled down.

Dean rolled down his window and heard Jess yell over, "Pick up the pace, old lady!"

"Right oh. Gabe is playing sleepy music. I am losing consciousness." Gabe laughed.

"Sorry, Dean." He reached over and switched the dial around until he found a more lively station. Sam's car drifted back behind Dean's and he rolled the window back up.

They rode on, letting the land fly by. Dean counted down the time that he had left before he would have to face Cas. He tried to push the thoughts aside, but they would not simmer down. For a moment, he let himself wonder if it would be okay to hope. Maybe it would be okay to just let this work. He didn't know what to do with that thought, though, so he let it go and concentrated on the road, and closing the distance.

* * *

><p>They pulled into Cas' driveway. It stretched out through the trees and meandered toward a large lake. Dean took it all in with an eye toward safety. It seemed defensible. He had noted the various landmarks in town as they rolled through. The police station, small and tucked away. The coffee shop, Cas' home away from home. The school, fucking kindergarten teacher. <em>I'm not going to be able to stack up next to that.<em>

The trees seemed to open up a little as he drew to the end of the long driveway and there was Cas' cabin. He saw Lil first as she galloped around the side of the house hollering, "They're here! They're here!"

"You doing okay, Dean?" Gabe asked. Dean hadn't realized that he was breathing funny.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't make a big deal out of this."

"Big deal? I get to see my best friend that I haven't seen in a year, you better believe that it's a big deal." Gabe got out of the car the moment that the engine cut out. Dean looked out to the front porch and saw Cas standing there like this was the most normal thing in the world. He got out of the car and just stood there staring. _And that right there, that, is everything._ Then Gabe charged toward Cas and wrapped him in a hug. _Yeah, you're right. That makes sense, Gabe._

He waited by the car, waited and watched as each of Cas' friends stepped up to hug him. His heart lurched little in his chest as he saw Anna hug him. He pushed the worry down. It was big and it did not comply at first. Then his brother, the gangly mass of limbs nearly crushed Cas in his too tight hug. Dean smiled at them and almost moved forward into the space, then Cas looked at him. It was a small moment between eyes that saw more than they could say. Cas said something, and the group went into the house with Lil.

He felt like the world had gone silent. There was just Cas and he wanted to rush up to him like Gabe had. He wanted to crush his lips to him. He wanted to hold onto him and pretend that nothing else in all the world could touch them. His muscles in his chest tensed up. He pushed off of the car a little bit. Cas bit his bottom lip and edged forward just a little.

Then Dean could not stand still anymore. He bridged the gap. He pulled Cas to him. His body pressed to his chest. His arms were around him so fully that he hardly had room to move his mouth down to Cas', but he managed. It was all that it had been and all that he had missed. It was where he wanted to live forever, right there in Cas' personal space. He felt Cas' lips part and he felt his tongue slip out. He tasted sweet, like apples and cinnamon. His lips were buttery and Dean wanted to taste them and taste them. He was hungry. He had been hungry for so long. He was finally fixing that.

Dean broke away first and looked down at Cas' lips. "You taste like apple pie."

Cas looked at him with surprise then swiftly it turned to a smile. He felt it light up his soul. When Cas spoke it was in that voice that drove him crazy, deep and luminous like a song, "I was making pies for dessert. I may have sampled some."

"Just when I think I couldn't want you more you go and do that." Dean kissed him again and felt the warmth spread out over his heart. Dean opened his eyes and watched Cas kiss him back, with his own eyes closed. Up close like this, there was nothing that could come between them. There was only the warmth, the love, the glorious taste of dessert, and home. Dean Winchester felt as though he had finally come home.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: So, hope you like this chapter. I am almost caught up with myself, and you all know how that makes me nervous. I now have a plan though that will give this tale a fluffy middle. It won't seem like it though for a few chapters, but yeah. Thanks all for the support of the other story too, The Bells of Winter. Thanks Mummabro for seeing the problem looming with Anna and Dean being at Casa de Cas. Thanks ItsmeSophieee for fangirling. Adorable. Thanks Igniting. You commented on the change in Dean from being emotionally awkward to sad. I think that the fluffy middle of this story will address that issue. Thanks legsinger for the comments. Hopefully, the pacing will be okay in the upcoming chapters. I feel like I am rushing things, so I need to deal with that there.**

**'Till Monday.**


	17. Chapter 16: Avec, Cas

The look on his face was best described as glowing. The food turned out as he had hoped. The people at his table looked happy. Lil was across from him chattering with Sam. Dean was at his side. He cast his look around the table at each of them and he felt like his life was never going to be happier than it was in this moment. Uriel raised a glass of Gewurztraminer and said, "Cas, you have made a meal fit for kings. I want to propose a toast to you. To Cas, our host, our chef, and most importantly, our friend. You have been missed. I hope that this Thanksgiving will mark the beginning of all of us coming together with more frequency." He held out his glass toward Gabe and they clinked together.

Gabe said, "Here, here." His smile spreading out to his eyes. He looked over at Cas. "You need to let us be in your life buddy."

"I'm planning to be better about this. I thought that I was protecting you all. I may have been wrong." Cas spoke a little sheepishly and looked over at Dean then back.

"Your heart was in the right place, Cas." Anna chimed in. "What matters most is that. If you do something out of love, then the mistakes that are made are forgivable."

"Thank you, Anna. I don't think that I deserve this forgiveness, but I'll take it." He felt Dean shift about at his side and looked over to him. "What's got you all squirmy?"

"Nothing. I just don't see why you think that you need to apologize is all. You don't need forgiveness because there is nothing to forgive. You did what you thought was necessary to protect people." Cas reached over and took Dean's hand and gave it a tender squeeze. "So, no guilt trips for you."

"Okay, Dean." He lifted Dean's hand up then and pressed it to his lips. "I love you, you big oaf."

Dean leaned over and kissed Cas and said, "You're still cheesy."

"Ah, I resemble that remark."

"Even your reply is cheesy."

Sam started making the universal, I'm getting sick sounds and said, "Well, enough of this sappiness. What awesome holiday film are we going to watch while the food settles?" Sam stood up and stretched out long and lean. He slapped his stomach for effect and Cas laughed at him.

"I may have secured a copy of _Die Hard _for the masses." Cas smiled at Sam's reaction.

"Seriously, Cas you are the best." Dean got up next and exchanged glances with his brother, as if to say, _that's my guy right there_.

The evening was long and filled with laughter and stories. At one point Cas found himself out on the front porch drinking from a warm mug of cider. Anna came out and sat at his side. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." Cas looked at her when he spoke. "Lil made a little friend that reminds me of you. In my head, I call her tiny Anna."

Anna laughed. I haven't met any tiny Cas' back home." She rested a hand on his leg and said, "You know, I didn't mean to make you feel guilty for not communicating with us, right?"

"Oh, I know. Don't worry. I make myself feel plenty guilty even if you all don't think that I should."

"You shouldn't."

"But I do, so, oh well." Cas sipped from his cider and continued to gaze out at the lake.

"I get that." Cas looked at her strangely.

"What could you possibly feel guilty about?"

"Nothing, everything. I just found this past year to be difficult is all." She looked out at the lake and Cas wanted to search her eyes. It would have been easier to figure out what was eating her.

"I have to admit that I had assumed that you would be bringing someone here with you for the holiday." She looked at him funny and he continued, "So, have you met anyone special?"

"My life is filled with special people. You forget who I work with. Gabe has been sending his emails to Sam now. At first, Sam use to open them, now he has learned that they are just porn."

"Poor Gabe. He gets no fun." He wrapped an arm around her and she snuggled up into it. "I meant though, have you met anyone special."

"No. I probably could try harder, but I was lacking my wingman, so I have not had much success."

"I have two single friends out here, but I don't think that either one is your type." She leaned away from him a little taking in his words.

"Please don't set me up, but you should tell me about these boys that are not for me."

"Well, one is gay, so that won't likely work out. The other has a beautiful personality."

"Oh, well. Mr. Beautiful Personality might be my type. Does he have anything else going for him?"

"He likes kids."

"Well, then, next time invite him to dinner. It would be fun to meet him." She fell silent then. Cas draped his arm back over her shoulder and held her. He heard a noise at his back and dipped his head back to take in the vision of who was there. It was Lil, in her pjs.

"I got ready for bed without being asked."

"Well, miracles never cease." He reached back to her and pulled her over onto his lap.

Anna stood up then, "So, are we sharing a room little missy?"

Lil looked up at Cas for clarification. "I had told her that she was going to sleep on the couch and that Sam and Jess would get her room."

"Well, Sam and Jess are already stretched out on the couch, so that seems to be taken. They even pulled out the bed."

"Oh, so are the others situated then?" He stood with Lil in his arms.

"Well, let's go find out." They stepped back into the house and Cas could see that everyone had found a spot to call their own. Dean looked like he was falling asleep in the recliner with a pie plate precariously perched on his knee. Sam and Jess were curled up on the pullout, watching _Die Hard. _Uriel and Sarah had dragged over one of the air mattresses and they were already comfortably arranged on it. Uriel in fact, was already asleep, mouth hanging open, arm draped over the edge of the mattress. Gabe and Kali were at the table finishing off a little more dessert together. Cas turned to Anna, "So do you want to share a room with the kid?"

"It sounds ideal. We'll braid each other's hair and talk about her awesome dad." She smiled at him and took Lil from his arms, "What do you say to that peanut?"

"Sounds like a plan, lady." Lil chuckled and Anna carried her off to the bedroom.

"Goodnight Lil. Goodnight Anna." He looked down at Dean and saw that he had woken up from his light slumber. He plucked up the pie plate and set it on the nearby coffee table. He sat down on Dean's lap and felt his arms curl up around him. It was a bold move, and rather forward of him, but he didn't feel the need to be coy. They had already leapt past this stage once before. "So, you enjoying _Die Hard_?"

"Most definitely." Dean smiled at him in a way that could only be described as a little indecent.

"Funny, I could have sworn that you were just sleeping through the best part."

"Nope. Couldn't have. The best part is right now." He wasn't watching the movie, he was just looking at Cas.

"Who's cheesy now?" Cas smiled at him and leaned down a little, resting his head on Dean's forehead.

"Yeah, you have that effect on me."

Cas stood up then and reached out to Dean, who took his hand. Cas pulled him up. "It's been a long day. I think that we should turn in." Then it was Cas' turn to give Dean a smile that could only be described as a little indecent. They walked past the others to Cas' room. Cas said to Gabe as they went by, "You all have enough blankets?"

"Yeah, Cas. Pleasant dreams." His smile turned up a notch as he added, "Or not, since sleep is sorta needed for that." Kali popped him up the back side of his head, and he pulled her into a kiss. "See the abuse that I get."

"Yeah, Gabe, you look so tortured." Cas moved on toward the room with Dean in tow. "Goodnight you all." The ones that were still awake responded and Cas pulled Dean in and closed the door behind them.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Thanks all for loving on the fluff that was the last two chapters. This one was a little fluffy too. The next one, not so much. Sorry, they have to deal with Anna sooner or later. Also, sorry that this chapter is a little short. Thanks rainystv for the "hints." I gave you another chapter of fluff. :P Thanks YoungHopeful. Your enthusiasm is positively infectious. Thanks Guest for the comments. I am totally going to bring Dean and Carter into each other's acquaintance, because that just sounds like so much fun for everyone. :P That's a few chapters off though. Thanks Igniting for the preemptive encouragement. I imagine that I will wake up to you sending me a message, reminding me to post, so sweet; like I would forget:) Mummabro, thanks for the comments on the music. Let's just say the details of that moment may have come from an autobiographical incident. All the best to you all. 'Till Thursday.**


	18. Chapter 17: Avec, Dean

Dean had been tired before, when he had been watching the movie. The evening had been a deeply emotional one for him. He had worried that it would be a slow build to awkwardness and later rejection. It hadn't been that though. Cas was perfect. He was so much more than Dean even remembered. _More than I deserve._ He felt the nervous stirring of muscles in his stomach.

They stood just inside the bedroom evaluating each other. Dean stood near the bed and Cas leaned back against the door that he had just closed. His eyes roamed over Dean like they were on a journey, taking him in. "We should talk first." Dean didn't really want to talk. He really just wanted to move into Cas' personal space again.

"No, we shouldn't." Cas moved toward him in two quick steps and had him pulled into a kiss. Dean didn't fight it. It was what he wanted too. He kissed him back and thought about the time wasted, the time that they spent not doing this. He thought about how much easier it would have been to have followed Cas, just followed him to the ends of everything.

Dean felt the guilt though in the back of his mind. Anna was just two rooms away, and Cas needed to know. "We need to talk first." He tried again.

Cas used the moment that their lips were apart to pull Dean's shirt up over his head. "No, Dean. Talking hurts. I need this more." He looked desperate and Dean wanted to fix that, more than he wanted to talk, but he was afraid that he would hurt him more later if he went along with Cas' desires, his desires. Cas seemed to sense Dean's struggle. "Please. You must know what it's been like." Cas laughed a quiet laugh into Dean's shoulder pressing his lips to him as he did so in a series of little kisses.

"Difficult to say the least." Dean muttered out a quiet response.

"Let's just say that I have gotten to know my body pretty well this past year, and the cold showers are a mythical solution. If we talk, we will just hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want us to heal." He tipped back his head and Dean couldn't fight him on this. He wanted to heal too.

"God, Cas, I have missed you."

"Shh." Cas kissed him to shut him up. He pulled away layers of Dean's clothing and Dean did the same with him. He noticed that Cas was slowly kissing down his neck. He could feel the path forming as Cas' hands reached down to squeeze at his thighs. His own hands were wrapped around Cas, one arm firmly around his shoulders, the other low, just on his back.

Cas was blazing a trail lower and lower. Dean wanted that, but more so he did not want Cas to be left wanting anymore. His face, as he had spoken, told a tale of need. Dean had caused that when he did not follow them to their new life. He had caused that desperation. He had to fix it. He pulled Cas back up to him. Cas looked confused. Dean turned them both and pushed Cas backwards onto the bed. He came down to Cas kissing his lips before they could protest. "You first."

And before Cas could reply, Dean bit down on his lip a little and Cas was left with nothing to say. They moved up into the bed more. Dean pressed down onto him, running his hands up to Cas' threading their fingers together for a moment. He felt Cas buck up into his hips a little and he was reminded to direct his attentions elsewhere. He let his mouth wander over the rough textures of Cas' cheek, his jaw, and then down to his neck. The smoothness of his shoulders a contrast to where he had just kissed. There was the salty taste of sweat now to mix with the taste of apples that Dean had discovered on Cas' tongue. _My boyfriend tastes like pie. How did I get a pie boyfriend._ He was grinning stupidly while he kissed him. He glanced up to see Cas' face and saw that he was being watched.

"What are you grinning at?" Cas ran a hand up into Dean's hair at the back of his head then down to his neck.

"You." He licked his lips and pressed them back down to the path that he was forming. Cas' legs slipped aside further. Dean watched for a moment as Cas' hips bucked up again a little involuntarily. He grinned and looked back up at Cas again. "Just you." Then he lowered himself to him and hoped that he was taking away the loneliness and desperation that Cas had felt before. He hoped that he was giving him the healing that he had said that he needed. He hoped these things as he took Cas in, feeling as though he was healing now too.

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><p>Dean woke up in Cas' arms. Or, rather he woke up in a tangled mess that was him cocooning around Cas. <em>Awesome.<em> He thought about the feel of it all. He thought about the way that they just seemed to get each other. _Cas was like home._ He had thought this before and almost laughed at himself for being so clichéd . He debated about getting up when he heard Cas mumbling, "Don't you dare get up yet."

Dean hummed back into a nuzzling move deep into Cas' side. "Okay." He had no real desire to move anyway. Moving meant that they would be in the outside world again. He rather liked the world that they had created here over the long night. They had moved together slowly. Dean had remembered the last time that they had been together. It was not what it should have been. It had been harsh and sad. The music blaring out anger and frustration as he took Cas. Cas had been as desperate as he had been. Last night though had been different. Slower.

They had held each other to a slow rocking rhythm. It had been like honey in a jar tipped over in winter. Dean had been frozen for the past year, and in Cas' arms he felt like he was finally going to move again. The sweetness of him, the tender way that his hands ghosted over his chest, his arms, his back, made him decide a great many things. _I am never leaving you. Not ever again._ He sighed into Cas. Knowing that they would talk, and that the decision might not be his to make. "When will we talk, Cas?"

"What would happen if we never talked about it? What would happen if we just moved on like the past year was not real?" He looked at Cas now. He was about to speak again, but Dean cut him off.

"We can't do that. We can't because I want to stay with you. If I don't tell you everything, you will find out. You will find out, and you will leave me." Dean felt nervous. His stomach was tightening and he fought hard to push down the feeling that he would be sick. Cas moved and disentangled himself. He scooted up into a sitting position. Dean did the same. He felt Cas' hand slide over to him under the blanket. Their fingers threaded together there.

"You plan to stay?" Cas looked hopeful.

"You might not want me to once you hear me out." Dean wanted to fast forward through the conversation, just skip to the inevitable hurt and rejection that he saw coming.

"I think that I will. Last night was meant to illustrate that." Cas squeezed his hand a little.

"Last night illustrated a lot of things, Cas. It was a great illustration of how stupid I was. I should have gone with you when you left."

"We were both stupid. I should have stayed with you." Cas looked sad again and Dean didn't like it. He leaned over and kissed him.

"Look, you keep saying things about how you were wrong to leave. You say that you made mistakes, but I just don't see it that way. You were selfless. Something I aspire to be one day." He smirked over at Cas, and Cas frowned back at him. He continued before Cas could interrupt. "You leaving was for the best. You had to, for Lil. I should have gone with you though. I should have chucked it all to the wind and said, I choose you Cas. I choose you. But I didn't. Biggest mistake I have ever made in my life."

Cas leaned into him now and kissed him back. "So, you plan to fix that then?" He said this with hope. Dean could hear it in each word, the look in his eyes, the way that his breathing hitched a little.

"I slept with Anna." He watched Cas' face change. He watched him move from hope to despair. He watched him crumbling, dying a little right there in front of him. _I did this. I hurt him. I'm so sorry, Cas, so sorry._ But he couldn't speak the words. He could only watch as his world fell apart in front of him.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Thanks Igniting for the morning reminder :) I am glad that all of you enjoyed the last couple of fluff filled chapters. In answer to some of the questions/comments, yes, I plan to have more Garth moments, Dean and Carter will interact in a horribly awkward manner, and Anna will speak with both Dean and Cas. Lastly, thanks rainystv for loving the little chair moment with Cas and Dean. I have to admit that I wanted to live in the domestic world with them for longer than I did, just because of that moment.**


	19. Chapter 18: Syncopation, Cas

He felt like the strings of a guitar that have been wound too tight. Just before they snap, the strain becomes all too noticeable. Cas got out of the bed and began pulling on clothes. He did not know what to say. He felt like he had felt all those years ago when Charles had rejected him. This was different, sure, but it felt like a type of rejection. He had chosen not to follow Cas into his new life, but he had somehow gotten over it with _Anna. Of all the things Dean could have done…_ "You said it was a casual hook-up."

"It was."

"There is nothing casual about Anna." He couldn't look at Dean. He just kept his focus on clothes. He was looking for his running shoes. He was going to run now. _Run, I need to run._ He pulled the shoes from the floor by his dresser and sat back down to put them on. _Anna. He could have slept with a dozen strangers, and it wouldn't have mattered. Why her? I have to see her. She is in my house right now._ He looked at Dean then and saw that he looked miserable. "So you just slept with her once?"

"No." His quiet answer twisted the knife in a little more.

"Twice?" Cas didn't really want to know. He couldn't stop himself though. He was hurting. He knew that the talking would be horrible.

"No, it was a few times."

"I think that I am going to be sick." He got up and darted into his bathroom, closing the door behind him. He threw up into the sink and began sobbing uncontrollably. He let himself. _Who the fuck cares if Dean hears me. Why would he do this? _

Then his voice came through the door. "Cas, you want me to go?"

He stood up then and rinsed out his mouth. He let his hand hover over the doorknob for a moment before opening it. "I'm going for a run. I need to clear my head."

"I'll be gone when you get back. I'm sorry." Dean looked down. He seemed like he couldn't make eye contact.

"No. You'll stay." Cas said with some determination. Dean looked at him, confused. Cas looked back with a fierceness. "I might want to talk when I get back. I might not. I don't know. You are going to be here though, going through the same awkwardness that I am. You are going to be here. And if I don't want to talk with you, you will be here respecting the hell out of my decision." He turned for the door. "Did Anna know that you were going to tell me?"

"She knew. She didn't know when, but she knew my plans. She said that she thought that you would forgive us. She said that we were both just lonely and missing you. I'm not in love with her." Dean seemed to be in a rush to explain, but Cas stopped him.

"Don't you dare start talking about love now. I'm going. I'm not ready to hear this." With that he left the room. Gabe was on a computer and everyone else seemed to be sleeping in. He eased past them giving Gabe a quiet pat on the way out. "You heard huh?"

"Yeah, sorry." Gabe was quiet in that moment, thankfully.

"I'll be back in an hour. Don't say anything about it. Okay?"

"No worries, Cas."

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><p>As soon as he was out the door he ran. His feet pounded into the dust, and he was off. The blur of trees, green streaks of color. He was crying, but it was lessening the farther he went. He was trying to push down the ragged breaths. He was trying to control his body. He ran on and on. Eventually, he felt like he was able to slow. He subtly decreased his pace. He focused on the feel of pebbles in the path. He focused on the smell of pine around him, sucked deep into his lungs. He focused on the distance in front of him, empty and a cursed reminder of the path he felt he was on in life.<p>

He had been ready to toss it all. He had been ready to rush back to Dean. Hell, Dean had said that he was ready to come to him. _So much for fucking progress._ He picked up the pace again, running from the thoughts, the emotions, the ever looming hurt of it all. _What now? What the Hell do I do now? _He made it to the end of the trail that had a parking lot. He had to decide whether or not to do the full loop or to turn back. There was a small dock on the lake. he walked out to it and stared out over the water. His hands hung loose at his sides giving him the look of defeat. He kept taking in big lungfuls of air. _God, I could have loved you through anything, Dean. Anything._ He turned back to the shore, reached down to the pebbles at the water's edge. He scooped up a handful and began tossing them out as far as he could. He looked back at the empty trail. He flung the last of the pebbles out to the water and began the slower jog back to the cabin.

When he got back, he did not go in. People were up, milling around. thankfully, Uriel was already outside. He provided an excuse for Cas to linger a bit longer away from Dean and Anna. "So, you jog now?" Uriel had a mug of coffee in his hands and Cas really wanted to go in and get some. He debated internally about making a mad dash for the coffee and spiriting away with it back to the porch and Uriel.

"I also do karate. I guess I took up all of the exercise to fill the time. It is not as busy here." Cas lowered himself to the step beside Uriel.

"Hmm. Do you miss it?"

"What?"

"The busyness." Uriel passed his mug over to Cas and gave him a little nod.

Cas sipped a bit and replied, "I miss my friends. I miss doing something that I am good at." Cas took another sip and handed it back to Uriel. "Thanks."

"You were eyeing it pretty intensely. I forgot about your near primal urge for coffee, pretty much at any time of the day or night."

"Sorry, I try to keep it in check." He tossed him a half smile.

"So, did Sam tell you that I have been looking into some things?" Uriel swallowed down the last of the coffee and Cas tried not to look disappointed.

"No, he didn't mention it. What have you been looking into?"

"I heard about M's possible connection to Mirov, so I decided to dig a little. I found some things that may interest you. I brought them along. Seems that he is alive. He is currently in Brazil, not far from a small town called Candido Godoi. He has a sizable compound there. He also spends time in Mexico. He has another compound there too. He is doing quite well for himself. He is, I think, deeply involved in drug trafficking"

"Lil had mentioned that he had tried speaking with her while she was with her mom in Mexico. I mentioned this to Dean. How did you hear about it?"

"Sam. Dean put him on it. He wanted him to do a little research. I happened to be with Sam when the conversation occurred. I wanted to help." Uriel set aside the now empty mug. "I hope that was okay."

"Of course. I just don't want to put anyone else that I care about in harm's way. Sometimes just researching something like this is enough to get you in trouble. Are you being careful?" Cas shifted a bit to face him.

"I am. I have only shared my findings with you and Sam. I don't even know if he has discussed it with Dean yet. Will you pass on the information or should I?"

"I'll let him know. Did Sam mention anything else about the connection to Lil and M?"

"Nothing specific."

"I think that Mirov is M's father."

"Oh, that's not good." Uriel stood and picked up the mug as he did. "That is very bad actually." Cas stood too. "He knows about Lil then?"

"I can only assume. I have been doing my best to keep from drawing much attention to us here. I am hopeful that he doesn't know where we are. Eventually though, he may seek us out. I need to figure out how to deal with that."

"Well, it sounds like Dean is planning to move here. It will be good for you to have an extra set of eyes on things."

'We'll have to see about that. No one has set any plans in stone." Cas deflected and turned to go back in the house. Anna was standing in the doorway. Cas looked at her and moved past her into the house. She tried to reach for his arm and he ducked past it. "No, Anna." Gabe was still at the table, only now Dean was sitting at his side. They were watching a video and Sam and Jess were also hovering at the edge of the group. Dean looked over and then back at the screen. Cas heard a distinctive and familiar sound. His voice and Julia's singing "Speechless."

Gabe turned to Cas and said, "Did you know about this, Cas?" Cas made his way over to the table and looked closely at the screen. There he was singing with Julia at the recital.

"How did you get this?" Cas looked at Gabe confused.

"You've gone viral. I found this when I was trolling one of my forums. I was going to send you random baby animals, because, you know. Well, imagine my surprise when this came up." The song was coming to an end and the crowd was cheering. The camera panned, following Cas and Julia across the stage. It kept filming as Lil ran up to him and threw herself into his arms. Carter was standing off to the side, clapping. The video stopped abruptly then.

"This isn't good," Dean said.

"What are you talking about, asshole. He sounded great." Gabe shot Dean a look that said just try to say that again.

"That's not what I meant." Dean shoved back from the table.

"Do you think that Lil and I will have to move?" Cas pushed aside his desire to ignore Dean instead focusing on the issue at hand.

"We'll need to wait and see. It is concerning though. You really needed to be more anonymous, Cas." Dean stared at him with concern when he spoke.

Cas returned the look with mild irritation brewing up under his skin. _Like I meant for this to happen._ "You know, I did pretty well for a year, and this was not something that I had planned for." Cas stalked back out to the front porch and then off to the lakeside. He scooped up some rocks again from the shore and started chucking them out again. He heard someone coming up behind him. He didn't turn around. Instead he just said, "Go away."

"No, Cas." Dean walked up beside him.

"I expect you to give me space right now." He chucked some more rocks out into the lake. Dean stooped down and gathered some rocks of his own. He stood again, and threw some out into the water alongside Cas.

"No. I can't. I was set to leave. I can't now." Dean threw a few more rocks out into the distance. He aimed high with one and watched it soar out far before splashing down. "I am staying."

"What if I want you to leave?" Cas turned to him. He stared him down. Dean stared back. "What if I am over this?" He waved his hand out in front of him, at Dean and also at himself.

"I am staying. I am doing what I should have done before, but it is about more than just being with you. It is about watching your back. I am worried." Dean took a step toward Cas, and Cas took a step back.

"What if I am done with you Dean? What then?"

"I'm staying. Doesn't matter."

"What if I move on, start fucking someone else? You think that you are staying around for that?" Cas heaved a rock off into the lake.

Dean didn't speak at first. He just stood there looking like he was falling apart. Cas wanted him to feel that way. He thought of a million ways to tear him apart more, then Dean spoke. "I'm staying. You can stop speaking with me. You can hate me. I am staying. You can fuck anyone you want. I am staying. I ruined this. I know it. I am never ever going to be able to fix this, but I'm staying. I love you, and I am staying."

Cas just stood there frozen now. _You don't say that now. You don't. _He was trying to reign in his emotions. _I will not cry. I will not let you see me break. I will not let this go. I can't._ "Fine. Do whatever, but you are not living in my house."

"I need to be close. I'll need to stay here."

"No. You figure it out. I am not going to live with you." Cas stalked back up to the house. Anna was coming back out to the porch. She stepped aside and let Cas pass. "He's all yours now." He tossed out as he passed. _Petty._ He thought, but _so what._

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Thank you all for the reviews in the last chapter. I have a few chapters now where Cas is possibly going to seem frustrating. I feel like he is going to flip-flop emotionally for a bit. This is leading my story in a very different direction from what it was going to be on before. This happened when I wrote Cas, the King...too. So, I think that this will be okay. The next chapter will have some Dean Carter interaction, which I think were fun, a little.**

**Thanks specifically too, Igniting for the reminders and love of my writing. You are the sweetest, dearie. Thanks Mummabro and I hope that you won't need much in the way of tissues. Thanks rainystv for the comments. I laughed a little at the winking comment, bc so true. Thanks YoungHopeful for the enjoying the beginning and for being a constant supporter. Thanks lastly to smalls907 who will catch up with this fic, and has said such nice things on all of my fics lately. Thanks also to all of the new readers. I appreciate the Favs, Follows, and general readership. **


	20. Chapter 19: Syncopation, Dean

"So, that went poorly." Dean kicked up some rocks at his feet as Anna approached.

"He'll forgive us. But yeah, pretty bad. You okay?"

"What do you think?" Dean looked up at her and scowled.

"Are you going to leave?" She reached out to him, and he shrugged it off.

"No. I need to stay. People can find them. I need to stay, to keep an eye on them. They aren't safe." Dean put his hands in his pockets then and rocked back on his heels.

"Really? So that's how you intend to fix this?" Anna looked at him with skepticism plain on her face.

"I don't know what you are talking about. They are in legitimate danger now. That video tells exactly where they are and that Cas has Lil."

"That it does. And I have thought all along that if someone really wanted to find Cas, or Lil for that matter, it would take nothing for them to do it." Anna looked serious then, "However, you need to stay. You need to make this work. If protecting them does that, then you should do that." She shuffled about a bit. "I'm sorry, Dean. I never should have, you know."

"Not like you made the decision alone. We were both missing him. I just screwed up. I really screwed up." He looked at her and immediately felt worse. "I mean, you know. I, god this is awkward. I have regrets, and at the same time I feel like I am making things worse. I'm sorry Anna. You helped me through a rough patch, and at the same time, I would undo it if I could. You know?"

"I know. I would too, if that helps. I need to figure out how to work this out with him too. Not sure if that is possible. How do you explain to one of your best friends that you slept with his kinda boyfriend because you missed him? Sounds all kinds of messed up. I don't even know where to begin." Anna dipped her head down for a second, her hair fell in front of her face.

"Maybe you just say that. Can't get any worse." He reached out and brushed back her hair from her face. "I am sorry."

"Me too, Dean."

Anna wandered off then, and Dean stayed behind at the lake. It wasn't long before he heard quiet footsteps behind him. He turned a little. "Hi, Dean."

"Hi, munchkin." Lil's arms wrapped around his waist.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too. We haven't gotten to catch up since I got here." She took his hand, and they walked along the shore together.

"Are you going to go home with everyone else?" She looked up at him while they walked.

"I might have to go home temporarily, but I plan to come back. I have to figure things out."

Lil beamed a little. Her smile was all teeth and her cheeks puffed out with it. "Dad is going to be happy. I can't wait to tell Pamela."

"Who is Pamela?" Dean looked at her and couldn't help but smile too.

"She is my talking doctor. Daddy and I go to her once a week to talk about our feelings and stuff. She is the one that got us to go to karate. Do you want to see my moves?" She let go of his hand and took a couple of big steps away from him. She dropped into a slight crouch.

"What are you going to do?" Dean stared at her wondering what someone her size could actually accomplish. She whipped her leg out in a giant arch and landed it square on his upper thigh. She followed up with a swift punch to the gut. Dean actually felt pain. He doubled over a little. "Ow. Any lower and that could have been quite awful. Do you always go around showing your moves like that?"

Dean felt the beginnings of what would likely be a bruise on his thigh. Lil was grinning. "Pretty good, huh, Dean?"

"Yeah, really good. Next time you can show me the moves on the bad guys." She bounded back up to him and took his hand, pulling him along.

"Dad and I practice sometimes at home. He doesn't limp afterwards like you are." She looked at his leg and then back up to his face. "Did I hurt you?"

"Only a little. You mostly surprised me. I didn't know what a fierce warrior you were." He smiled and forced himself to walk better. "So your dad doesn't get hurt when you kick him? I have a hard time believing that."

"He is super strong. He runs sometimes and he does really awesome leg sweeps." Lil was clearly proud of Cas' skills. Dean took it in, feeling like these were things that he should have known. These were things that he should have been a part of, but he hadn't known how to make this life work with his little mission to set the world to rights.

"I wish that I would have been here to see all of this progress that you and your dad have made." He walked on with her. He felt her waving his hand back and forth in a long arch of giddiness. "So have you and your dad been happy here?"

"I like it here. My school is nice. Dad is sad sometimes, but I cheer him up."

"Why is he sad?" Dean knew he just wondered what Lil knew.

"He misses you. We talk about it. I tell him that you will show up when you can. He says that I don't need to worry about that, that I am plenty good company, or something like that. Then we play one of our games or talk to Jess." She let go of his hand and skipped off ahead of him. There was a man on the trail and Dean immediately became more alert.

"Lil." His voice carried a note of seriousness. She wasn't listening though. She bounded off toward the man. Dean picked up the pace and caught up with her. He took her hand. "Let's head back."

"Hey Mr. Barrowman." She called to the man on the trail. Dean stiffened. _Shit. Not good._

"Hey yourself Lil. Now this does not look like your pops." Carter strode up to them, confident and good looking. His blonde hair swept back from his face in a way that made him seem more youthful than a close cropped cut would. His face was not lean, but had the a fullness that seemed to make him appear happy. There was charm in his eyes that twinkled out when he looked down at Lil. Dean just wanted to punch him in his pretty face.

"This is Dean." Lil was hopping a little at his side while holding his hand.

"Oh, hello. I have heard a lot about you." Carter held out his hand to Dean. "Name's Carter, Carter Barrowman. I am Lil's teacher."

Dean did not want to take his hand. In fact, he was floundering for any excuse not to take his hand. Finding no reasonable excuse, he gave Carter a quick shake. He looked him up and down, sizing him up. Carter was a little taller than he was. He noted his physique, his hair, his approximate age. "You seem kind of young to be a teacher." Dean did not think Carter was too young to teach. He just wanted to determine his age without having to ask outright.

"Oh, um, I'm not." Carter shuffled back a step or two. He looked over at Lil then, "So, are you showing Dean the neighborhood?"

"Yeah. I was showing him my karate moves too." She grabbed Dean's hand and swung it back and forth.

Dean was struck with an idea. It was not his proudest moment. "Hey, Lil, maybe you should show Mr. Barrowman your karate moves." He smiled at her.

"I don't think that I have ever seen your karate moves." Carter gave her his undivided attention. Dean stepped off to the side and tried to keep from smiling too much at what he thought would happen. Lil dropped into a crouch. Within seconds she had swept out her leg in a high arch, nailing Carter in the lower portion of his thigh. Next she punched out, and because Carter was taller than Dean, she caught him in a more sensitive location. He doubled up a little.

"Oh, sorry, Mr. Barrowman. When I did it to Dean, I hit his stomach. Did I hurt you?"

Carter just looked at Dean and muttered, "You knew that was coming."

"Like she said, she caught me in the stomach. Didn't hurt so bad. I don't imagine that was pleasant." Dean turned with Lil and seemed ready to just leave. "Well, nice meeting you. We gotta get back." They started walking and Carter fell into step beside them.

"I might as well walk back with you both and say hi to Mal." Dean didn't like hearing Carter call Cas Mal. He shortened the name Dean had given to him. Dean bristled a little.

He could see the potential for awkwardness, and he was very unhappy with it. The group was outside at a long picnic table. There was a ton of food from the other night laid out on the table and everyone was already digging in. Cas was going in and out of the house with more containers of food. He set down a container and looked down the trail at them. He saw Cas visibly stiffen. Even at this distance, it was obvious that he saw the potential discomfort that they would all be facing at any moment.

Carter did not seem to care one bit. He strode along with confidence despite his recent injury. At least he did not try to talk much. When they got back to the table, Dean began processing the situation. there were three spaces left at the table. On the one side of the table, all of the seats were taken. Uriel, Sarah, Anna, and Kali sat on the one side. On the other was Gabe across from Kali, Jess, Sam and then two empty spaces. Dean assumed that Cas would sit there and that Lil would sit next to him. He also assumed that he would end up with the extra seat that was hanging out at the other end of the table between Gabe and Kali. If Carter joined them, which Dean saw happening, he might try to snag the seat next to Cas.

"I wasn't expecting you." Cas walked up to Carter and gave him a hug. "You should join us for lunch." Carter was smiling with what appeared to be deep satisfaction. He looked out at the gathering.

"Oh, I didn't intend to crash your party. I was just going to say hi."

"Nonsense. You are joining us. Let me introduce you to everyone." Cas rattled off everyone's names and gave little extra descriptions of each person. He noticeably left off any tags for both Dean and Anna. Before turning to the house he said, "So, grab a seat. I'll be right back with an extra chair."

Carter took the spot next to Sam. Dean took the far seat. He really wanted to make things awkward and sit next to Carter. He still wanted to punch him in his pretty face. He pulled out his phone and texted Sam. _Use your fork, Sam._

Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, saw the message from Dean, and gave him a raised eyebrow of confusion.

Dean sent him another text. _Just stab him a little. I'd do this for you._ Sam read the text and tried to suppress any look of alarm or humor. He just casually slipped his phone back into his pocket. He turned to Carter and smiled. Carter took this as an invitation to talk. "So how long have you known Mal?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, Mal and I go way back. We met when I first started at his law firm quite a few years ago now." Sam seemed to be making the mental note about Cas' name. Dean looked around the table and saw the others take note of this too. _Cas didn't tell you who he was. He doesn't trust you._ Dean thought this with a little smug pride brewing up inside of him. Sam kept the conversation going, "So, you met Mal and Lil through the school?"

"Yes, Lil is one of my star pupils." He smiled a megawatt smile and ruffled up Lil's hair next to him.

Lil wrinkled up her nose a little and said, "Mr. B, you are messing up my hair." Then she laughed a little and reached for the bowl of sweet potatoes. The camaraderie between them set Dean on edge a little more.

Cas came back out to the the table with a chair in hand and set it at the end opposite Dean, next to Lil. He sat down and looked out at the too quiet table and said, "Well, what are you all waiting for? Dig in. Lil already is." They laughed and began reaching for platters and bowls to pass around. Periodically, Dean would catch Sam's eye. He looked somewhat sympathetic, but he never managed to stick Carter with his fork, so he didn't earn any awesome little brother points today.

"So, Mal, Carter was just telling us that Lil is a star pupil." Dean wanted to see Cas respond to the name more than anything. He felt like the more he used the name, the more it stood as a reminder that Carter didn't really know him like Dean knew him.

Cas bristled a little with Dean's words and turned to Carter, "So, I should probably mention that Malcolm isn't my real name. Everyone at this table knows me as Cas."

Carter looked a little surprised, but he seemed to roll with it. "Oh, did you take on the new name after you left all of that mess behind in the city?" Carter didn't break his gaze with Cas when he said it. In that moment though, it was clear that Cas had trusted him with a whole lot of information. Dean just grew more irritated.

"You know, he didn't just leave a mess behind in the city. He left some awesome people behind too," Gabe said. _Way to go, Gabe. _Dean thought. Although, he also felt like the statement had been apt. Cas did leave a mess behind, and Dean was, in his own opinion, a sizable part of that mess. He certainly didn't want Carter calling him that though.

Cas looked over at Gabe and said, "I sure did. I have missed you."

"Ah, now you are going to get all sentimental and move back huh?" Gabe smiled around a mouthful of food.

"Nah, I think that the country life agrees with me." Cas broke the gaze.

Jess piped in then. "So, I guess this means that you have changed your mind about coming home? You were so enthusiastic just a few days ago."

Cas squirmed about in his seat a little. He quickly glanced at Dean then away. He said to Sam, "Would you pass the turkey?" He reached out toward it then added, "I think, Jess, that I need to stay. Lil is doing well in school, and I shouldn't disrupt that."

Lil piped up then, "And Dean is moving here." She smiled over at Dean.

"Oh." Jess clapped her hands up to her mouth. "Oh, my God. Finally, and yay. When were you two going to say something? Here I was just sitting here thinking that something was wrong. I thought that you two were fighting." Then she seemed to catch the look on Cas' face and she stopped talking.

"Well, nothing has been decided yet." Cas shoveled a little food into his mouth.

Dean spoke up then, "Well, that's not entirely true. I am moving out here." Cas leveled his gaze across the table. Dean stared straight back. _I am going to protect you whether you like it or not. _He waited for Cas to say something, but he didn't. He just stared. "See anything you like?" He didn't want to needle him, but Dean often didn't think things through before he opened his mouth. He saw Cas' look shift a little. _Ah, shit. Why don't I just shut-up?_

Cas broke the stare and muttered, "So, Dean, you have anything else you want to share, because, seems to me like you are just all about the truth telling." He leveled his gaze at him again. "Suppose you didn't think much when you started sharing your plans with Lil. Or maybe you did. You couldn't just let me deal with this in my own way, my own time."

He felt the weight of the statement. He felt the weight again of what he had done. He had hurt him, and now he was hurting him publicly. Dean got up then, "I'm sorry." He marched off with that one pronouncement. It was all that he could do. Cas was right, a little, and he felt like an ass. He considered going home. He considered giving up. He considered all of it and walked to his car. He needed to drive. He needed to do something. Most of all though, he just needed to put as much distance between himself and Cas as he could, so that he would stop hurting.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav, Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Thank you all for the kind words in the last chapter. I have to admit that I have been a little anxious about my writing lately. I am glad though that you are still getting something out of it. I feel like there is something that can be done with the triangle of Dean, Cas, and Carter for a bit before dealing with the other dramas. We'll see. Last time that I felt this off, I wrote a 26 chapter Christmas fic, so hopefully, I can deal with this funk without doing something crazy like that, because I really don't have the time for anything like that. :P Love ya guys. 'Till Monday.**


	21. Chapter 20: Retenu, Cas

He watched him go, and a small part of him wanted to follow him. Uriel reached over and rested a hand on his arm. "You okay, Cas?"

"Yeah, just, give me a minute." He stared down at his plate.

He glanced up and noticed that Anna was doing the same thing. She looked up then. "I'm sorry, Cas."

"No." He looked back down.

"I am. We really just missed you. It never meant anything beyond missing you." Cas looked back at her and stood up. "He loves you, Cas. Not me."

His gaze swept the faces of those still at the table. There was a dawning realization forming on all of their faces. "Well, I don't think that this could get anymore awkward. So, I think that I need to go walk a bit, clear my head." Cas moved from the table and turned to Sam, "Keep an eye on Lil for me."

"Of course." Sam reached over and patted Cas. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Well, now we all know." On that note, he marched off down the trail.

He got about a half mile down the trail when he heard footsteps behind him. "It's not an elegant escape if someone follows you." He turned and found Gabe standing there, looking sheepish.

"Sorry. Thought that you would want a friend in this."

Cas felt his resolve fall a little. Gabe stepped over and hugged him. It was good to be able to just feel what he was feeling. "This is shitty. It is just so shitty."

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Cas." Gabe let him go and stepped back a little. "For what it is worth, I think they feel pretty shitty too."

"Good." Cas felt petty but he also felt like he was entitled to feel however he wanted to feel. "Sorry, I know this is awkward. Anna is your friend too and here I am going on."

"Um, Cas you are allowed to be upset. So, be angry. Be upset if you need to be. I can handle it." Gabe reached out a hand to him and gave him a small squeeze on his shoulder.

"The worst part, Gabe, I had already forgiven him. I knew that he had been with someone, and already was over it. He said that it was casual. Anna isn't casual. Plus, I have screwed up everything here now."

"What do you mean?"

"I never should have taken a job that would risk us getting noticed. I didn't even think and now my face and Lil's is all over. I have to uproot her from school and move, probably. I don't know. Everything is a mess." Cas walked off to a bench that was down the trail a bit and took a seat.

Gabe stood off to the side for a while before sitting beside him. "So, you aren't going to let Dean move here?"

"I told him to do whatever he wanted, but that he would not be living in my house."

"Reasonable."

"Completely."

"You plan to talk with Anna?"

"No. Why should I?" Cas was bent down a little, leaning his arms out along his thighs.

Gabe rested a hand on his back and said, "Because you might feel better."

"I don't see that. I just see it being worse. I mean, what would you do?"

"Sulk. Then I would anonymously send them the worst porn on all of their work emails, and I would likely cc their bosses just to add to their awkwardness." Cas turned to him expecting humor and instead saw seriousness on his face. He had to laugh. Gabe laughed too. "I don't know why you're laughing. I would totally do that."

"I know. That is why it is funny." They sat there for a time like that and just stared out at the lake. "Did Carter leave?"

"Yeah, I think that he made some sort of lame excuse about needing to get home. He was just feeling awkward."

"Understandable."

"Yeah."

"Did Dean come back before you left?" Cas looked over to him again.

"No."

"I don't want to be angry at him."

"I know. You are allowed this though."

"How am I supposed to let him live here?"

"I don't know. You really should talk to Anna though."

"Well, you certainly are Johnny One-Note."

Gabe got up and stretched a bit. "You didn't have to see them once you left, Cas. I did." He turned back to Cas and pressed his hands into his pockets. "Sam, Uriel, Anna, Dean and I went out for drinks a little after you left. It was like a month or two. Anna and Dean were pretty miserable. They drank a lot, told some sappy stories. Uriel, Sam, and I played pool most of the time. It was pretty clear that they were both struggling. Anna use to come by my office and try to chat. I went to lunch with her a few times. Sam did too. Uriel and Sarah had her over for dinner a few times. Overall, though, none of us filled the gap that you left with her. I mean you all spent holidays together."

"Are you trying to make me feel guilty for this?" Cas stood too then and had every intention of marching back off down the trail away from all of this.

"No. I just thought that it would be best if you knew what they were like. You might tell yourself that they wanted this, but I have a funny feeling that it was not like that. Dean was pretty excited about seeing you again. I imagine that Anna was feeling the same."

"I don't know how to feel about all of this."

"Just feel. Just let yourself feel whatever you need to be feeling. When you are ready, talk to them. But, and I mean this, Cas, you have to talk to them. This past year of not talking to any of us, was kinda bullshit. I am not even going to pretend to understand why you never felt like you needed to talk with me."

"I'm sorry." Cas was feeling overwhelmed again.

"Don't be sorry. Just try to stay in my life a little more this time. Okay?" Gabe raised his hands up to Cas' shoulders and made him look at him. "I mean it."

"Okay, Gabe." He waited a moment and added, "Thanks for still being you."

Gabe laughed, "I wouldn't know how else to be."

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><p>Cas and Gabe returned to the house and everyone was packing up for the trip home. It would make going home in the morning easier for all of them. He had wondered if Dean and Anna would just leave tonight to avoid the awkward. As the evening descended upon them all, Cas decided to seek out Anna. She had done her best to stay away. She had spent some time out in Lil's room and then later out on the porch. Lil had been amused by something Uriel and Sarah were showing her on the computer. Sam and Jess were throwing dinner together.<p>

When Cas finally decided that he could face her, he almost reconsidered when he saw her sitting on the porch. He sucked in a deep breath though and came down to the step to sit next to her. Neither one of them said anything at first. They both just sat there. After a time Cas said, "I'm sorry I didn't communicate with you this past year." Anna just sobbed and threw her arms around him.

"What the fuck, Cas. You don't get to apologize. I am so sorry." He hugged her back, choking back his own sobs.

He slipped back from her and said again. "I was trying to protect you all from me when I didn't communicate. I thought that you all would be better off if I kept you all from being too connected to us. Turns out I may have hurt you all in a different way."

"You seriously should not be apologizing. I feel like shit, Cas and you apologizing makes me feel even worse." She was running her hands over her eyes, failing to rid herself of her tears.

"I'm not over it. I just know that I own some of this. I couldn't let you leave here tomorrow thinking that I would be carrying this forever."

Anna nodded. "You should be pissed. I kept telling Dean that you would forgive us. I never should have been so flippant. You shouldn't forgive me, Cas. I am so sorry."

He hugged her again and said, "I am pretty sure that I will never be comfortable talking with you about this. This is about as okay with this as I will be. I won't ever be comfortable with you around Dean either. I doubt that he and I can salvage things, but I won't ever be okay with you and him. You need to know that."

"There is no Dean and Anna. We were using each other to cope with you not being there. I just need to know that I have a miniscule chance of fixing my friendship with you."

"It won't be like it was, but in time, maybe we can see a path through this." He looked out into the night across the lake. The moonlight lent its glow to the world around them. "I missed you so much."

They fell into silence then, and he draped his arm over her shoulder and pulled her close. The night was quiet around them with only the familiar noises of his friends drifting out of the house from behind them. When it finally became too cold to linger anymore, they made their way into the house and to their friends.

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><p>Cas wondered how the night would play out. He had given Anna some small forgiveness, but he was not yet ready to give Dean the same. He wondered if Dean would come back in the night and try to talk. He wondered if he would try to come back and just avoid him. He imagined him sleeping out in his car all night. That seemed like the most likely outcome. He was okay with that solution. It seemed like it would be less awkward. He wondered also, about the long term situation. Dean said that he was going to move to Jacksonville. He flat out said it. Some small part of Cas was actually happy about this, despite the other grand issues that were weighing heavily on them.<p>

He also was rather unhappy about it. He did not like the idea of having to figure out his own emotional issues now with Dean watching him fall apart. He would rather sort through his feelings, compartmentalize them, and then work Dean back into the orderly life. I might not want to even do that. I should be allowed to figure my feelings out. He should give me some space. Cas heard the noise of Dean's car pulling back up to the house at around 2:00 am. Everyone had long since gone to sleep. He laid there and waited. Dean did not come into his room. In fact, he did not hear Dean even leave his car.

There would be tomorrow. He could see himself talking with Dean then, maybe. There would not be resolution, but he could imagine coming to a reasonable compromise about their situation.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: So I didn't give the term definition for the last couple of chapters. Syncopation is a disturbance or interruption. Retenu is to hold back.**

**Thanks once again to my people. You all really do say the nicest things. I was just having a moment last week. thanks for pulling me out of the funk a bit. Thank you rainystv for the kind words. You really made me feel better about this story. I can't believe that people actually go back and reread my stuff. I feel special. I have a few fics that I go back to, but that's just me. (Pie Without Plot, just saying). Thank you fallenangelicwolf. I apppreciate the comments. I worried that I was rushing them all through too many emotional feels in my effort to move past this. Thanks Igniting for just always saying the right thing. Thanks YoungHopeful for sticking with me for so long and always having encouragement ready. Lastly, thanks Mummabro for all the comments, all the encouragement, and for giving me so much to reblog on tumblr. I think that I keep wanting to focus on Gabe because you post so many pictures of him on tumblr (and that's' certainly not a bad thing).**


	22. Chapter 21: Retenu, Dean

Dean drove into the town and parked for a few minutes before choosing to wander aimlessly through the town. He went to the park and sat for awhile. Eventually, it became too cold for him to sit outside. He walked back to the square. He saw that at least one business was still open. It was a coffee house. He went in and saw Garth behind the counter. "Well, fancy meeting you here." Dean marched up to the counter and Garth came around the side.

"Yeah right, come here and get a hug." Garth laughed as he pulled Dean in.

"Oh, I forgot that you were always a bit of a hugger huh?" Dean hugged him back a little and then pulled away. "How have you been?"

"Pretty good, Dean. Pretty good. So, you decided to come see Cas, huh? He had mentioned that you were going to be coming to see him." Garth pointed over to some seats and added, "Go, sit. I'll get us some coffee." Dean complied and Garth left him to go get them some drinks. He came back to Dean with coffee and handed one mug over to him. Garth sat across from him and waited. He seemed to be expecting Dean to open the conversation with something. "So, how was it?"

"What?"

"Seeing Cas again." Garth sounded like he found Dean to be a little stupid in that moment.

"Oh, fine. I mean...well, it was fine." Dean gulped down some coffee. He set the mug down and looked steadily at Garth when he added, "I fucked up, Garth. I mean, I really ruined everything. He'll never be able to forgive me."

"Are you sure. I mean, he knows that you cheated on him and yet he was still excited about you coming here."

"He talked with you about that?"

"Yeah, like I said before, he and I are friends. He understood the situation that would lead you to moving on without him. He didn't think of it as cheating. Technically, you two kind of broke up, right?" Garth nursed a few sips from his coffee, then leaned back into his chair.

"I think that he was able to forgive me until he found out that I had slept with his best friend." Dean couldn't make eye contact. He picked up the mug again to have something to do.

"Oh, Dean. How could you sleep with Gabe? I mean, honestly, he does not even seem like your type." Garth looked a little appalled, but not as appalled as Dean in that moment.

"What? No, I didn't sleep with Gabe. I slept with Anna. Wow."

"Oh, that is even weirder. I thought that you were gay."

"Apparently, you thought wrong." Dean sipped from his coffee.

"So, you aren't gay?"

"Bi, would likely be the more accurate term. The label hardly matters at the moment. I am in love with Cas. I only slept with Anna because I was stupid and lonely. To make matters worse, I need to move here. Cas has a video from the recital night that has gone viral. It shows him and Lil. If someone wanted to find them, they could do so pretty easily now."

"Oh, that is _no bueno_. Should they move?" Garth sat up straighter and set his mug down on the table.

"I'm not sure. I think that if someone wants to find them that this video will not be the only means by which they are tracked. Part of me thinks that they should stay here, but with an extra set of eyes on them.

"Do you think that Jorge would let you spin your wheels out here for a few months?"

"Not likely. I think that I will have to quit. Not sure though." They both stopped talking then, though, because the front door was opening.

A woman walked in. She was in uniform. Garth addressed her. "Now, Missouri, the people are going to start talking if you keep coming in here trying to get me to date you."

"Oh, really. Are you trying to start rumors now? You get more and more ridiculous by the moment, Garth. Now get me some coffee, before I pass out. I'm on 'till 11 and I don't think that I am going to make it." She smiled and it was full of joviality. Her eyes were brown and radiant as she turned to Dean. There was a moment where the two of them just locked eyes and stared. "Are you…" She stepped up closer and really peered into Dean's eyes. "No, you can't be. Are you John Winchester's boy?"

Dean sat up a little straighter. He looked like he was trying to figure her out. "I am. I'm Dean. Should I know you?"

Before he could do a thing, she had him scooped up into a hug. "Oh, my sweet Jesus. I cannot believe that I am actually hugging John and Mary's boy. I just can't believe it. What in the world has brought you to Jacksonville?" She let Dean go and noticed his confusion. "Oh my, I have freaked you out a little, haven't I. Sorry. I guess that you were a little young back then. Your parents and I use to be quite close, quite close. We all use to take some vacations together, the whole bunch of us. You must have been like five or six years old, last I saw you. Now your mom, she kept in touch with cards and pictures, but never could rely on John for that sort of thing." She stopped and seemed to catch her breath.

"Oh, well, it is nice to meet a friend of my parents. I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you."

"Well, how would you? I haven't seen you since you were a wee thing. By the way, my name is Missouri Moseley."

"Oh, wait, dad mentioned you tons of times. Mom too for that matter. I can't believe that I didn't recognize you right off. You are in a photo that they had on the mantle for years." Dean noted the smile deepening on her face.

"Yeah, we use to spend a fair amount of time together. I was really sad to hear about both of them passing. They were good people."

Garth came back over to the table with Missouri's drink. "So, did Dean tell you that he is in law enforcement too?"

She slugged him on the shoulder then and said, "No way. You get out of town. Your parents got you on their path."

"Yeah, I felt like there was a lot that I could offer the profession. Did some undercover work, had a beat, pulled desk duty. I have been kind of a jack of all trades at my precinct."

"So, Missouri, is Phil still planning to retire next month?" Garth threw out.

"Oh, I see where you are going, Garth. Dean, are you looking for a move out to the fast paced world of Jacksonville? If so, I might just have the job for you." She smiled again, that great big charming smile that she had first greeted him with.

"I'm looking to move out here. Are you taking applications for the position yet?" Dean was trying not to sound too hopeful.

"Applications. Ha." She turned to Garth and they rolled their eyes together. "No one is going to apply for this job. I'd be lucky to find someone that even wanted to consider it a year out from now. So, tell me you are interested. Make my day."

"I'm interested."

She got up then and did a little stomping dance around the side of the table. "Oh, you just made my day, my month, my year, Dean Winchester." She pulled out a card from her pocket and handed it to him. "You just give me a call and we will set this up."

She practically danced out the door with her coffee. Garth looked over at Dean with a smile. "Now I would say you have some choices to be making, don't you?"

"Uh, rather unexpected. I don't think that I can avoid going home for a bit to deal with the old job and my living situation." He drummed on the table with his knuckles. "I didn't think that it could be easy."

"Sometimes good things do happen.' Garth smiled at him. "Now, you just need to figure out how to fix this thing with Cas."

"That's the plan."

"You know that I mean the relationship part, right?"

"Yeah. I have no clue what to do on that front. He says that he wants me to stay, but he doesn't want to talk with me about it. He doesn't want me in his house, but he said I could do whatever. He asked if I would be okay with him sleeping with other people. Like a fool, I basically said yes. The whole thing is all kinds of screwed up and I don't know what he wants me to do to fix it."

"Did you try to talk to him anyway?" Garth gave him a little pat of comfort.

"Yeah, I told him that I loved him. That was the wrong thing to say. Leave it to me to say it for the first time when he can hardly look at me." Dean rubbed at his jaw a little like he could feel a bit of pain there from all of the talking. "Then I said stupid things at lunch. I get nervous around groups of people, then I say dumb things. I'm okay sometimes when it is just a one on one situation, but throw a group at me and I get a case of verbal vomit."

"Dean, Cas knows you. He does. The worst part about all of this is that you two haven't had each other through all of this. If you had, obviously, none of this would be happening right now, but what I really mean is, you both kinda came to depend on each other a lot in a short amount of time. Then you both just went completely cold turkey during an incredibly difficult part of your lives. He needs you. You need him. I believe that you will work this out. You just need an opening, and conversation that is not filled with you being stupid." Garth smiled at him to let him know that he meant well. Dean smiled back.

"Keeping from saying stupid things is the hard part. I suck at words."

"Well, maybe you'll get a little divine intervention." Dean felt good for a moment. He felt like if Garth could sound positive that maybe it all wasn't so lost. He began making plans in his head. Plans for talking with Cas, plans for talking with Jorge about the job, plans for talking with Missouri. His head was quite full of plans. He drove more when he left Garth and the coffee shop. In the end he had to come back to the house. He felt awkward for a second, sitting in the driveway. He thought that he should go in and sleep on one of the chairs. That would only be slightly awkward. Then he ran a hand along the seat of the car and committed. He decided to just sleep out there. It would be hell on his back, but the Impala was a little like home, and he needed to feel that comfort more now than ever.

* * *

><p>Dean woke up with a crick in his neck and Lil's face pressed up to the glass of his car. She had her mouth open wide on the glass and she was puffing out her cheeks. Dean was laughing pretty heartily when he spoke, "Good morning to you too munchkin."<p>

She stepped back from the window and reached down to the door handle. She opened the door and got into the car. Dean scooted over to accommodate her. "Why are you sleeping out here?"

"Because I'm stupid." Dean didn't know what else to say. He also knew that he had to be careful not to tread on Cas' relationship with Lil by oversharing.

"What do you mean?" Lil raised her hands to the wheel like she was driving.

"I got back late. I didn't want to wake anyone up." Dean turned the key in the ignition a little to start up the heater. He could handle the morning cold, but Lil shouldn't have to.

"You and dad still fighting?" She looked at him for the answer.

"I wouldn't call it fighting." He avoided. _Good job Dean._

"What would you call it?" _Damn._

"I would call it me being stupid and your dad being justifiably unhappy with the situation."

"So, you have a girlfriend and a boyfriend, and that made dad upset?" She still looked at him. It was an intimidating stare coming from a kid.

"I don't have a girlfriend. I am only interested in your dad." Dean looked away from her trying to find a way to end the conversation. "So, should we go in and get some breakfast?"

"No." She fiddled with his stereo until she had it on a station that was playing some sort of sappy pop music.

"Tell me you don't like this music. Please, Lil." He ran his hands up to his face in mock despair.

"You don't like this?" She looked at him like he was crazy. Then she started singing along, "And you're gonna hear me roar." She dragged out the word roar in a way that was cute, and Dean couldn't help but smile at her.

"Well, maybe if you keep singing it, I might like it better." He leaned his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes a little while she kept singing. He told himself that he needed to get her some Zeppelin for Christmas, or maybe a collection of classics. _Never too early to broaden the kid's musical horizons._ He was making an assumption that he would be here at Christmas and that he would be welcome in Lil's life.

The song ended and another began. Lil turned to him. "You need to tell him that you are sorry. That always makes it better."

"Hmm." Dean didn't want to go down this path with her, so he avoided it. He reached over and pulled out the keys and then slid out of the car. She followed him out.

"You are still going to try to move here aren't you?" She reached out a small hand to his arm. She looked sad.

He didn't want to disappoint her anymore, and he had every intention of moving there, so he scooped her up and said into her ear, "Yes, I am moving here. You haven't gotten rid of me and neither has your dad." He marched her up the steps of the front porch. He looked at her face then to see if she approved of his plan. "Are we good?"

She looked at him in a questioning way. "Yes." He put her down then and she took his hand and lead him into the house.

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><p>The day was a bit of hustle and bustle. Dean sat next to Lil and ate a little breakfast, drank a little coffee, and listened to Gabe talk about a case that he and Uriel had been working on together. Every now and then Cas would look at him, only to quickly look away again. Eventually, everyone started packing their bags into their respective vehicles. It had been decided that everyone would just return home in the same vehicles that brought them to Jacksonville, meaning that Dean would have Kali and Gabe in his car again.<p>

He wanted to talk with Cas before he left. He wanted to at least tell him that he would be back within days. He was even willing to deal with the inevitable look of irritation that this would bring to Cas' face. Dean made his way out to the front yard and tossed his bag in the trunk of the Impala. He heard the footsteps behind him and expected to see Gabe. Instead it was Cas.

"So." Cas shuffled about and didn't seem to be planning to continue his sentence.

"Yeah." Dean leaned back against the car and watched Cas avoid looking at him. "I'm going to be back in a couple of days. I have to let Jorge know that I am leaving. He might need me to wrap some things up. Worst case scenario, I'll be there for a week."

"Isn't two weeks notice customary?" Cas finally looked up at him.

"He might ask for that. I don't know. I've never really quit a job before." Now it was Dean's turn to look away.

"Maybe you shouldn't. No one is asking you to do this." Cas continued to stare at Dean, as if now that he had started it was more difficult to look away.

"Look, I know that I screwed up. I know that you can barely stand me right now, but I need to do this. I need to know that you and Lil are okay." Dean looked back at him.

"So, how long do you plan to stay here for?"

"As long as is necessary."

"That is a rather vague timeline." Cas pushed his hands into his pockets then and looked off at the lake. "Where will you stay?"

"Here."

"I already told you that you aren't staying in my house." Cas looked back at him with a stare that said, _Don't challenge me._

"I know. I'll figure something out." Dean looked back at his car.

"You can't live in your car, if that is what you are thinking. We have harsh winters here. You need to figure something else out, a hotel or something."

"I said, I'll figure it out." Dean tried to curb his irritation. He hadn't figured any of it out except that he was going to be close to Cas, and here Cas was shooting down the one tiny plan that he had to just stay in his car until he could figure out a better way. He decided to take a different path. "Turns out, I know the sheriff. She pretty much offered me a job here. So, at least I won't be completely without prospects."

"That was fast." Cas seemed like he was preparing to retreat back to the house then he said, "I talked with Anna."

"Oh." Dean pushed his hands into his pockets, feeling suddenly nervous.

"Yeah, I needed to make sure that she didn't leave here thinking that I hated her. I don't. I don't hate you either. I'm angry. I feel a little like my life is going to be me constantly getting rejected. Pamela was right. She said that I need to know what I am worth."

"I wasn't rejecting you." Dean threw in quickly.

"It feels like rejection when someone replaces you with someone else." Cas didn't say anything for a time and Dean couldn't think of a counter argument, so he just stood there too. "I can't just toss this aside. Even you told me that I needed to get some self-esteem or some such."

"I was an asshole. But I don't need you to forgive me or even take me back. I know what you are worth and it is a heck of a lot more than me." Dean couldn't look at him. He just spoke and pushed aside the too heady emotions that were threatening to loosen his tongue further.

"I need to go see everyone off. I feel like we have too much to talk about. Maybe when you get back, we can talk some more." Then Cas did something unexpected. He reached out and placed his hand on Dean's shoulder. "Okay?"

"Okay." Dean looked from the hand to Cas and felt, again, a little more like he was getting more than he deserved.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Thanks for the comments smalls907; I've missed hearing from you. Hopefully, this chapter gave everyone the right amount of Garth. Thanks rainystv for the comments on Gabe. I like writing him. I wish that I had more reason to get him sending emails again. Ah, well. Thanks also, Mummabro and Igniting for the comments. 'Till Monday, unless my weekend produces a ton of writing, in which case you might get an extra update this weekend. We'll see.**


	23. Chapter 22: Affabile, Cas

The house was quiet with them gone. Cas felt the emptiness full in his chest. There was regret too, but he knew that he was right to hold off on a more in depth conversation with Dean until later. He knew that he needed to sort his own world out too. It was important to figure out his feelings before he could share them with someone else. He remembered how it had been in the past, when Charles had disappeared from his life. He didn't want to be that man again, the kind of clingy, needy guy that couldn't even feel complete on his own. It took years to figure out his worth, and now, here he was again.

He didn't want to be viewed as pathetic. He felt like he was dangerously close to being pathetic. Forgiving Anna didn't make him feel pathetic. It made him feel generous. He also felt that her choices with regards to Dean were different. So, he would find a way to pass the time. He would sort and fix his fragile emotions. He would spend time with Lil and distract himself from the things that swirled around him.

"Wanna go to town, get some coffee." Cas poked his head into Lil's room.

"I don't drink coffee." She smiled at him and stood though, putting on her overcoat.

"I'll get you a cocoa. It'll be good to get out for a bit." He slipped his hand into hers, and they headed out to the Triumph.

"We're taking the motorcycle?" She asked as he picked up the helmet and handed it over to her.

"Yeah, you don't think it's too cold, do you?" He started fastening the helmet to his own head and got on the bike.

"It's a little cold. Just don't go too fast." She climbed up behind him and held on as he started up the bike and then headed out. It was fairly dead in town, but the coffee shop was open.

They walked in and Garth was leaning into the counter, reading a newspaper. "Hey you two. What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

"A great need for coffee. The Thanksgiving guests have flown the coop." Cas plunked down some cash and added, "Oh, and Lil would like a cocoa." He turned to her. "You want anything to eat?"

"A muffin." She pointed at a blueberry muffin that looked to be about the size of her face. Cas nodded at Garth to signify that the choice had his approval. "Can I draw on the chalk wall?"

Cas nodded and said, "Sure, but take your muffin and drink with you." The coffee shop had a large wall that was transformed into a chalkboard wall. People wrote poetry on it, and the lower reaches had children's drawings. Garth handed him his coffee and poured himself one too.

Garth nodded over to a table, their usual. "Wanna chat?"

"Am I that obvious?" Cas took the cup over to the table and felt himself sink into the seat.

"Well, it was obvious that there would be much to talk about after Dean stopped by. Not to mention Carter."

"They both came in to talk to you?"

"Well, not at the same time, but yeah. I think that I am fast becoming the resident expert on your love life." Garth sipped from the coffee and added, "How are you, Cas?"

"Good. Well, not good, but you know." He sipped at his own coffee, pushing back his feelings so that they would not bubble to the surface. "So, Dean told you about Anna?"

"Yes. He seemed like he was pretty upset with himself over this mess."

"He should feel upset." Cas set the cup down and then added, "I also don't know how I feel, so talking to me is going to suck a little. One minute I am sad and mopey about him, the next I am angry and I just want to hit him."

"Well, I hooked him up with Missouri. At least he'll have a job while he is here. You'll also have an extra set of eyes. Maybe you two work out your stuff, or maybe you don't. Him being here can't hurt though."

"It can and it did." Cas took a gulp of the coffee and added, "I feel pathetic. I want him back and at the same time, I don't want to seem like some desperate teenager. What he did matters. Anna matters."

"So where are you going to let him stay? On the couch?" Garth raised an eyebrow at that.

"No, I told him he couldn't live with us. I think that he was planning on staying in his car next to my house. Crazy, huh?" Cas cupped the mug and held it in front of him, breathing in the steam.

"The things you do for love." Garth muttered.

"Or stubbornness."

"It's love. Dean just isn't always good at how he shares his feelings." He got up then and marched over to the counter and reached over the side to retrieve his phone. "I got this friend out here, actually not so much a friend, but he is usefull. Anyway, he has a trailer that he has been meaning to sell. It is kinda awesome. It is an old Airstream. It needs tons of work, but it might do in a pinch if you need a place to stash Dean. Then you won't be caving in too quickly and you also get the added protection of having a cop around. Win-win, huh?"

"I'm not sure. Aren't those things like collectible or something? I am pretty sure that it would be on the expensive side." Cas was drumming the side of the cup with his fingers in time to the music playing on the speakers. It wasn't a new song. He thought that it was called "Pompeii."

"I'm pretty sure you could swing it, Cas. It isn't like you have ever seemed to be hurting for money. Ya, practically offered to pay for my salary not so long ago."

"Okay, talk to the guy and find out what he wants for it. Seems like the best solution for now." Then Cas moved the conversation down a different path. "So, what did Carter have to say?"

"Hmm, well, he just had some thoughts on the whole Dean sleeping with Anna thing. He seemed to think that it might be helping his cause a bit. You had to expect that though." Garth finished off the coffee and set down his mug.

"I'm not running off to Carter. Dean may have done something that I am not too happy about. I may think sometimes that he acts like an idiot, but he is my idiot, so I need to figure out how to deal with him. I don't need to add any other complications to this already too complicated mess."

"So, Carter would be a complication?" Garth cocked a brow up at him.

"Likely. He's great, don't get me wrong, but he should be with someone that can actually love him. I'm not looking for someone to replace Dean. I just need to make sure that I am thinking right. I need to make sure that I am not sailing down the path that I did before with Charles."

"Who was that?"

"My ex. Before Dean. I don't want to be the kind of guy that just gets needy. I am worried that if I just accept this like it was nothing that I'll just be that guy again. I was pathetic Garth. I can see myself being like that again." Cas finished off his coffee, but he kept holding the cup.

"Well, Dean's not going anywhere, it seems, so you might as well take your time figuring out your feelings. I don't think that there is anything wrong with a slow approach. I mean, how long did you all know each other before you moved here?"

Cas felt a little awkward as he thought about the timeline and then said, "A couple of months, but Sam was always talking each of us up to the other, so it felt like longer." Cas realized that he sounded a little defensive.

"I wasn't trying to imply anything by the question. I just think that maybe taking a little time to work on a friendship between you wouldn't hurt. The best relationships, in my book, always start out as friendships."

"Well, by that standard then I should just start dating Carter. He and I have been pretty tight for a good year now." Cas set the cup down and looked off at Lil.

"Is that what you want? You do seem to be a little indecisive." Garth picked up his cup and took it over to the counter to refill it. He returned to the seat a few moments later. Cas had waited for him before answering.

"I don't know what I want. Like I said before, I will likely not make any sense for the foreseeable future. One minute I am sad, the next angry. Now I apparently am going to flip-flop between Dean and Carter. I think that I just need to let my head settle. I need to stop trying to decide everything all at once."

"Sounds like the advice I've been trying to give you." They sat there contemplating the situation while they polished off their cups of coffee.

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><p>The week passed in a quiet manner. Cas had made changes to his life though in that week that he hoped would matter to those that he cared about. He had sent little messages to Uriel and Gabe and had video chats with them. He sent a brief email to Anna, but he didn't feel ready for more than that. It was nice though to set up the beginnings of communication. Each day he wondered if Dean would message him or call. He never did. Cas wasn't sure how to feel about that. Garth had mentioned that Dean was checking up on him regularly, but that wasn't the same as an actual conversation.<p>

He did buy the trailer. He was feeling pretty accomplished by the week's end when he looked at it sitting about 15 feet away from his home. He had even run the necessary lines for the electricity and water out to it. Garth had helped a lot as this was not Cas' usual area of expertise. The interior of the place needed a lot of work. He decided though that this would not be his job. He figured that it would give Dean something to do. It was tough though for him to resist working on the place a little. It just screamed disorder, and Cas was not a fan of that. So, Cas was able to justify throwing a little work into the kitchen and the bedroom areas. The kitchen, at least, was functional. The bedroom was too now that Cas had supplied it with a new mattress, because the old one was scary nasty.

Lil seemed to enjoy co-opting the place as a large playhouse. Cas would sit out on the porch, drinking his coffee, while she would run in and out of the place singing and pretending any number of things. Today should have been one of Carter's running days, so Cas sat on the step with two cups of coffee while Lil played. When he saw Carter in the distance, pounding a path toward him, he breathed a sigh of relief that not everything had changed.

When Carter drew near he slowed and waved as if he was not going to stop. _He thinks that I don't want him to stop._ To signify welcome, Cas lifted the second mug of coffee and that sealed the deal. Carter jogged the extra bit over to the house. "Wasn't sure if we were going to fall back into our routines." Carter huffed out as he took the spot next to Cas, then the coffee.

"Seemed like the thing to do." Cas sipped on his coffee then added, "How have you been?"

"I should be asking you that. My life is boring and predictable."

"I thought that mine was too." Cas chuckled a little. "Been finding little things to keep myself busy, distracted." He cast a glance over at the trailer and then back to Carter.

"So, you adding a little kitsch to the property for a reason?" Carter sipped at the coffee and turned a little toward Cas.

"Well, I am sure that you already know. Garth is no secret keeper. Dean is going to live there."

"He may have mentioned it. He says a lot of things though." Carter looked away then.

"What do you mean?" Cas was privy to some of the things that Carter discussed with Garth, because Garth really does share a lot.

"Oh, he seemed to think that you would work things out with Dean. I didn't agree." Carter looked down into his mug of coffee as if that was the only truth he needed, not the truth that would come from looking into Cas' eyes.

"I am working on friendship. I have been a piss poor friend to everyone in my life. I am planning to spend some time repairing the damage. Truth be told, Garth got me thinking about things differently. I didn't even start out with Dean as a friend. We just kinda dove into the deep end of the pool. I think that he needs a friend. I plan to be that."

Carter looked at him now, trying to read him. "Does this mean that you aren't going to work on the rest of that relationship?"

"If you mean the romantic side of it, not at present." Cas noticed the little smile blooming at the edges of Carter's lips. "I am not going to complicate my life with romantic entanglements until I work out my friendships. If I can't be a proper friend to the people in my life, I have no business being in a far more complicated romantic relationship." He paused a beat and added, "With anyone."

"Fair enough. I am glad that you are taking time to work through things." Carter reached over and gave Cas' knee a pat of affection. "I'd stay, but I have a lot on my plate today. I was thinking of taking in a movie later this week, though. You wouldn't be interested in going with me would you?"

"I don't think that would be wise at this point."

"It wouldn't be a date. We are friends though, and I think that friends hang out from time to time, so…" Carter set the mug down and stood. He looked a little puppyish and Cas had to smile at that.

"Maybe."

Carter smiled. It seemed like a smile that was taking over his entire face. "I'll take that maybe as a yes. Well, now, this day seems to be going quite nicely, if I do say so myself." He stepped away a bit, preparing to continue his run and tossed back. "I'll see you around, Cas."

Cas waved at him then scooped up the mug as he got up to go into the house. _Friendship is important. I will work on my friendships. _Yet, something in the back of his mind told him that going to the movies with Carter would not qualify as contributing to a friendship. He shrugged to himself though and pushed it aside to focus on other things.

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Wow, I sure enjoyed the enthusiasm for the last chapter. Thanks for the comments on Garth and Missouri. I am changing her up a little in this version (obviously) and I hope that I don't mess that up. I think that it will work. Thanks Igniting for still loving Lil. Thanks fallenangelicwolf and legsinger, and you'll get more Garth interactions. Thanks faabulous for the enthusiasm. Thanks YoungHopeful, there is still a lot more that needs closure, so... Thanks Mummabro for liking the Missouri angle. Lastly, welcome back smalls907. Thanks for all of the reviews, not just here, but on the other fics too.**

**The next post will be on Tuesday.**


	24. Chapter 23 Affabile, Dean

Dean made it home and felt that just surviving the car ride was an accomplishment. Driving home under the glare of Gabe was not too pleasant. At least he didn't say much at first. Eventually, he had muttered out, "You really fucked up."

Dean didn't have much that he could say against that. It seemed to be altogether true. "No shit, Sherlock." He just kept barreling along and was about to turn up the radio when Kali spoke up.

"Well, now, Gabe, we talked about this."

"Not this again." Gabe turned to her in the the back seat.

"Yeah, this again." She made eye contact with Dean in the mirror and asked, "So, were you and Cas broken up when this business with Anna went down?"

Gabe didn't give Dean an opportunity to answer. He just said, "That doesn't matter. A person doesn't sleep with their ex's best friend."

Kali raised an eyebrow then and said, "Oh, I didn't hear about you and Dean sleeping together. Do tell."

"What the hell, Kali. Anna is Cas' best friend." Gabe glared ahead.

"Seems the man has a lot of best friends. Well, my point still stands." Kali looked back at Dean in the mirror. "Don't beat yourself up. You were under no obligation to stay celibate for a year. You had no reason to assume that you two would work things out. In time, he'll get past it and you both will move on."

Dean didn't say anything to that. He glanced over at Gabe, though and said, "I know that I was a dick. I don't expect him to forgive me. I know that I made a mistake." He glanced up at Kali in the mirror then and said, "I appreciate the kindness, but Gabe is right. A person doesn't do what I did. I knew that I was screwing up, and I did it anyway."

"Why?" Gabe asked.

"I was miserable, and I was looking for a way to keep myself from running off to him. I knew that I had things that needed to be accomplished if everyone was going to be safe. I told myself that if I gave up and ran off to him, that I would be making his world more dangerous."

"So, sleeping with Anna made you feel like Cas was no longer on the table, huh?" Kali spoke up again from the back seat. Dean shrugged in response. "See, Gabe."

"Whatever." He leaned into the window and wouldn't look at her or Dean. After some time had passed in awkward silence he sat back up and looked at Dean. "I suppose that I get it, but only a little. I defended you both to Cas when we talked, but only because I thought that he needed that. You need to figure out how to make this right with him. He deserves that." Dean looked at him and then reached over to the stereo to end the dialogue.

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><p>A week passed. He did not call Cas. He was respecting his boundaries. He worried that he would be making things uncomfortable for him if he called. He did have a lot that needed to be done before he could move. Turned out that quitting wasn't an easy task. He had confirmed with Missouri that he would take the job, and he had tried to turn in his resignation with Jorge. Jorge just outright refused. "No." He turned and walked out of the office with that one word, as if the discussion was closed. Dean had to wait until the next day to approach him again. This time he sought him out in his office later in the afternoon. At first, Jorge had told his secretary that he would not be seeing anyone today. Dean barged in anyway though.<p>

He turned to the startled secretary and said, "Sorry man. I just can't put this off." He looked at Dean and shrugged. Dean just marched on in.

"I said that I was not seeing anyone today, you stubborn bastard." Jorge barely looked up at him.

"Too bad. I need to tender my resignation. I am moving in two weeks, so there is really no way that I can put this off." Dean took a seat across from Jorge and waited for acknowledgement.

"Look Dean, I have known you for a long time, and I just can't see this choice of yours being at all wise."

"You have no clue what I am doing or why." Dean responded quickly.

"I think that I completely get this. You had a lovely vacation with your boyfriend, and now you want to move off to Bumscrew, Kansas or somesuch distant place and I am sorry, but this is just stupid." Jorge leveled his gaze on him now, clearly irritated.

"Not that it is any of your business, but I had a horrid weekend, and my destination is not anywhere near Kansas." He seemed to think about the moment before proceeding. "I need to move, Jorge. People that I care about are in danger, and I need to watch over them. I can't do that from here."

"They seemed to get on okay without you before. What changed?" Jorge perked up a little and rested his head on his folded hands that were propped on the desk.

Dean explained, concisely and carefully the reasons for his fears. He had to be careful because Jorge never did get the full story before. He couldn't tell him that A had been the one that had killed his mother. He couldn't tell him that he had a personal interest in the proceedings of the investigation. To have done that would have resulted in his removal from the case. So, like all of the times before, he spoke in half truths and veiled details. Inevitably, Jorge accepted the resignation.

"You need to promise me that you will get someone up to speed before you leave. I can't see you doing that overnight." Jorge walked him to the door.

"Who should I pass the torch to?" Dean asked as Jorge opened the door. Jorge's eyes seemed to scan the room, looking for an appropriate target. His gaze seemed to settle on the back of the room. Dean followed his gaze. "Really?" Dean seemed to know who he was suggesting without a word.

Then Jorge called across the room, "Hanscum!" The perky blonde turned with a grin as wide as a prairie and as genuine as Dean had ever seen. Still he would have questioned the choice. Before Donna got too close, Jorge turned to Dean, "You have a problem with Hanscum?"

"No, it's just that she is still a little green. I mean, she only moved from Stillwater, like a month ago. She's not gonna know the key players even a little." Dean let the last trail off into a mutter as she drew near.

"Whatcha want, boss?" She just kept on smiling and Dean really wanted to push aside his concerns.

Jorge interrupted Dean's thoughts and addressed Donna, "So Dean, here, thinks that he needs to quit and move to some distant land."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Donna offered up with absolute sincerity.

Jorge continued, "You and I both, but he is going to need you to take over his cases. In particular, he has a rather sensitive case that I am going to have him pass on to you."

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><p>Over the next several days, Dean divided his time between Donna and moving most of his stuff out to Bobby's place for safe keeping. His life was busy to say the least. He had been throwing himself into car repairs at Bobby's in an effort to not leave the guy with too much work in his absence. At least Bobby had hired on an extra hand, so that it wouldn't become too overwhelming. This also alleviated some of Dean's guilt at leaving the old man behind. He thought about all that he had left to do at Bobby's and at home as he surveyed the diner that he and Donna had decided to visit.<p>

Donna sat across from him with a large stack of pancakes dripping with syrup. Dean's breakfast spanned two plates. There were eggs, bacon, toast triangles, pancakes, and potatoes. The two of them were shoveling it all down and saving the conversation for later. Dean felt like he had found a kindred spirit with this woman. Between bites he said, "Seriously, Donna, I feel like we should have been partnered up ages ago."

"Ah, Dean, if I didn't know any better, I'd be blushing right now. I don't think that you would have liked Stillwater so much, and I wasn't ready to move out here until after the divorce. Our late partnership is just going to have to be short lived I reckon." She popped a couple of syrupy wedges of pancake into her mouth and chewed away.

Dean smiled at her across his mug of coffee, took a sip, and said, "Yeah, at least we got to know each other a little at the end." Dean thought about the way that everything had unfolded between them. He started off cagey. He didn't want to tell her too much. That didn't last long though. She saw through him, and seemed to ask all the right questions. It wasn't long before he was talking about his mom, Cas, and all of the things that he had been careful to keep under wraps. Her greatest concern was over whether or not they could ethically prosecute any of the key players, given Dean's role in the investigation. Dean had said that maybe it had been a good thing that she was taking over, that she would add ethics to the whole thing. "So, do you think that you can handle the investigation now that I am leaving?"

"Well, it's not like you are going to fall off the face of the earth. If I have questions, I'll just call you or something." She finished off the last bite then and looked over at him.

"Speaking of…" Dean reached into his bag on the bench seat beside him. He pulled out a cell phone and passed it over to her.

"Wow, Dean, you shouldn't have." Donna looked over at him in mock sincerity. "You do know that I have a perfectly decent cell phone? This looks like it is a tad ancient."

"Yeah. It's for if you need to call me. I need to stay off the grid a little. I don't want to be too easily tracked. I haven't even told Jorge where I am going. I set up a P.O. Box here for all of my stuff to go to, and I am having Sam take care of it.

"Oh, I see. I think that I would like to have an established bit of regular communication with you on this. I think that this Brady guy warrants a closer look."

"Yeah, I didn't do enough on that end. Be careful though. I would also appreciate the updates. I'm not planning to give this case up just because I'm moving. It just won't be the same. It can't be." Dean picked at the bacon on his plate and ate a few bites.

"At least you are going to be closer to Cas and Lil." Donna seemed to pick up on the regret in Dean's voice as he talked about the case. She reached over and gave him a little pat.

He perked up a little, but just for a moment. "Yeah. I just hope that it doesn't go horribly. I mean. I really have a lot of damage to undo."

"Yeah, you do, but it sounds like you have something that you can build on." She paused for a bit and said, "When my husband left me, he started sleeping around with a bunch of women. For a time, I would have taken him back. I didn't care. We had good times once. I just wanted that back even if he didn't."

"I'm sorry, Donna."

She wrinkled up her nose at him and said, "Oh, don't give me that pitying look. That wasn't why I was sharing. I was trying to say, that there is a window of opportunity in which you can fix things. Plus, you aren't like Doug. He didn't want to fix things with me. I'm just saying that you can fix this, Dean."

"It's nice of you to say that I'm not like Doug, but I think that maybe Cas might disagree. Doug sounds like a dick. You deserve better, and so does Cas." Dean couldn't make eye contact while he said it.

"He was, but you aren't. Now, when do you think that you'll be heading off to your new life?"

"Soon. I think a couple of days."

"Did you contact Cas and let him know?"

"No, I don't want to make him feel like I am pushing myself into his life more than I already am."

Donna gave him another pat. "You need to let him know that you are coming. The biggest problem Doug and I had came from communication. Now, some of that was that he said stupid things, and I didn't tell him how that made me feel. However, it is still about the talking. You have to make that effort." She raised an eyebrow to him and added, "We need to be heading back. Finish up that food so we can get going."

"Right-o boss." Dean laughed at her a little, but he thought about what she said. He thought about the way that the last year had been. It had been a year without communication. _Maybe you are right, Donna._ He walked over to the counter behind Donna. She plunked their cash down on the counter and pulled a couple of lollipops out of the little bowl by the register. She turned to Dean and handed him one.

"Here you go." She smiled and they both headed out to the car to return to the office. Dean figured she was right. He made plans to call Cas when he got to Bobby's that night. _He needs to know that I am going to be there in a couple of days._

* * *

><p>He turned up at Bobby's a little later than he had planned. His co-workers threw him a going away party down at the pub. They had even invited Sam and Jess. He was completely surprised. Dean never really felt like he had bonded much with any of them, but they all seemed to have some sort of story to tell about him. They all seemed to start with, "You remember that time that…" They always seemed to end with laughter.<p>

Sam was all smiles and Jess seemed to be watching him throughout the evening. They followed him to Bobby's, intent on chatting about Dean's plans once they got away from the crowds. When they pulled up, Bobby was sitting out on the porch, waiting for them. "Well, it's about time you idjits. You think I have nothing better to do than wait all night for your sorry asses." Sam rounded the corner of the car and strode over to Bobby.

He threw his arms around him in a powerful hug, "Good to see you too, old man."

Jess walked up to him next, "Sorry we didn't call. The party went on longer than we realized." She hugged him too.

Then Dean came over and clapped him on the shoulder. "Yeah, sorry about that. I had no clue they were doing that." They walked inside and gathered around the little dining room table. Dean glanced around, "Where's Ellen?"

"Oh, she had a thing with her daughter. She'll be back tomorrow maybe. You want something to eat? I got some leftovers in here." He started rummaging through the fridge, taking out things here and there.

"No thanks Bobby. I'm good." Dean threw out. I think that I need to head up to bed, and maybe call Cas before it gets too late."

"You finally going to call him?" Jess asked with a slight tilt to her head. There was accusation in her tone.

Dean responded with barely concealed irritation. "Yeah. It hasn't been that long."

"Long enough. You haven't called him even once since you left. You know how many times I have spoken with him?" She waited as if he could possibly answer. When he didn't she said, "Five, Dean. Five times he has called me and five times I have called him. We have each made efforts. You know what he asks about each time?" She paused again, as if he could answer. When he continued to be silent, she said, "You. He asks how you are doing. He asks if I know what your plans are. You know what I tell him?"

"No." Dean finally got out one word.

"I tell him that you are an idiot. I love you Dean. We both do, but seriously, it is like you don't have a clue. Stop treating him like shit. Call him. Talk to him." She threw up her hands in frustration.

"He wanted space. I was just giving it to him." Dean pushed back from the table.

"Did he say that you shouldn't call him? Did he say that you should just show up randomly whenever you finally got your shit together?" Jess stood from the table now too. "Dean, I spent the last year actually talking to him. You know what I learned in that time? I learned that you should have followed him. You should have. I also don't think that you loved him. If you did, you never would have let him go. You would have followed him. You would have. So forgive me if I am just a little irritated that now you are off screwing his friend and not talking to him."

"Anna and I are done. That was a mistake. I just missed him. I couldn't follow him. I had to settle things here. I couldn't bring my mess out there to him. He deserved a fresh start, a less messy life. I wanted to let him have a shot at that." Dean turned his back on them. Sam walked over to his side and rested a hand on his shoulder.

Sam spoke low near his ear. "So, have you gotten over that, now?" Dean turned to him with confusion. "I mean, you are moving out there. Are you over the whole, _Cas deserves something more_ thing, or are you just going there to gain a front row seat to Cas' new, separate life?"

"He can do whatever he wants. I think that he might want to move on with Carter. He can do better, but I think that he might want that. I am going to try not to come between them." Dean looked away as he said this.

Jess spoke up. "You need to make things right with him."

Bobby interrupted then, "So, when are you planning on leaving?"

Dean turned back to them. "Two days at the outside. I could leave tomorrow, but I want to get my head on straight before I show up."

"Go up and call him then. You don't need this conversation." Bobby waved him off and gave both Jess and Sam a look that said, _just let him go._ Thankfully they did.

"Thanks, Bobby." Dean nodded to his brother and then Jess, "Goodnight, you two." He strode out of the room and up the stairs to his room.

Before he stepped in he heard Bobby's low growl of a voice downstairs as he said, "What's wrong with you two? You think that he needed that?" Dean didn't want to hear the rest. He pushed past the door and closed it behind him. He pulled out his phone and dialed Cas' number. It rang a couple of times before he heard the answering noise.

"Hello." Cas' voice was low and sleepy sounding.

"Hey, Cas. You asleep?" Dean plopped down onto the bed and leaned back against the headboard.

"Barely. I had just started nodding off. I was wondering if you were just going to show up or if the whole thing was off."

"I said that I was moving there. It just took me longer to get my shit together than I thought that it would. I actually can't believe how difficult it is to move. Guess it has been awhile since I had to do this." Dean spoke in a quick manner to cover his nervousness. He worried that he would say the wrong thing and figured he could avoid that with fast talking on just the basics of the move.

"You can always change your mind. No one expects you to drop everything and move out here." Cas dropped the words simply, tonelessly.

"I'm doing what I want to do." Dean paused a moment and realized that he needed to have Cas on board with this. He realized that he hadn't really asked him if it was truly okay. Not really anyway. "Would you rather that I didn't move out there?"

"You're asking me now?" There was a slight uptilt to Cas' tone that told Dean that Cas was irritated. He worried that maybe he had made a mistake. _I should have just waited to have this conversation until later maybe._

"If you really don't want me to move there, I can change plans. I think that it is necessary, but I will respect your wishes. I can find another way to watch out for you without being there if that is what you want." Dean thought about Garth and how much that would not alleviate his fears. He thought about how he had felt since the decision had been made. _Yeah, he maybe hates me, but at least I'll see him._ There was a little relief in that thought. Now though he worried a little about Cas' response. _What if he says to stay away?_

"I have made arrangements for your arrival." Cas said with a sigh. "I bought a trailer."

"Huh?"

"I bought you a trailer to live in." Cas said it again, but Dean was still processing it.

"So, does that mean that you want me to come live there?" Dean was trying to sound passive, but he was hopeful that Cas would say yes. It would feel like a good start, like hope.

"I said that I got you a trailer. I certainly didn't buy it because my life was lacking a trailer." Cas did sound a little lighter in his tone.

"Well, thanks, Cas. I was still sort of trying to figure out the living arrangements, and I have to admit that it was making me drag my feet about leaving here. I was afraid that if I didn't have it figured out that I might upset you more."

"Hmm." They both lapsed into silence for a moment then Cas said, "So, when will you be here?"

"Couple of days tops. I have officially quit. They had a party. I think that I need to meet with my replacement once more and then take a day to figure out how to fit all of my stuff in the Impala. I sold off most of the stuff, but I think that it will still be a packing nightmare."

"If I remember right, you were pretty good at that sort of thing. You did a good job taking care of Meg's house when we had to pack it."

"Yeah, it's different when it's your own stuff though." They lapsed into silence again. Dean broke it a few moments into it being awkward. "I've missed you." _Damn it. He doesn't want to hear that._

Cas didn't say anything at first. They just fell back into silence. He could hear breathing though, so he knew that they hadn't gotten disconnected. He waited. "Dean, I hope that you don't have expectations. I am not ready to move past everything yet. In fact, I think that where you are concerned, I would like to work on a friendship."

_Shit. Couldn't just shut-up. Couldn't just miss him silently. Had to go and open up the floodgate. Damn it all. Tell him what he needs to hear._ "I'd like to work on that, the friendship. I don't have any expectations. I want you to be safe. I want Lil to be safe. I want to do whatever I can to help with that." He stopped and debated about what else he could say, then he just launched. "I have hope. I have hope that maybe if I work hard enough at not being an absolute ass, that one day, if I am very, very lucky, you will forgive me. As far as expectations go, I have none, but I do have hope."

There was silence then Cas said, "No expectations then?"

"No. A lot of hope. Is that okay?" Dean worried about what the answer would be.

"It is okay." Cas' answer was quiet, but it was enough.

Dean didn't want to say anything stupid, but he was starting to worry that if he stayed on the phone too long that he would. He started to speak anyway when the silence seemed to go on too long, "So, Cas…"

"Let me just stop you before you go on. This has actually been a pretty good conversation, given that I was rather irritated with you going into it. Let's just end it now, before it goes some place stupid. I'd rather like to end it on the positive note that it is on right now."

"Okay, Cas." Dean smiled a little at Cas' take charge tone.

"So, I'll see you in a couple of days, Dean." His voice dropped low and gravelly. Dean felt the words ripple over him. He closed his eyes and tipped back his head. _Maybe I can get him to talk just a little more._

"Do you want me to call again before I show up? I don't want to be too intrusive, but I also don't want to surprise you either." _That should get me a few more words with him. Way to go Dean._

"Uh, I think that we do better with face to face conversations. Maybe you should just surprise me." Cas sounded almost cheerful, his gravelly tone a little gone. _Ah well, better than nothing._

"Okay then. See you soon." Dean cupped the phone to his ear tighter and slipped down to the mattress more. He didn't want to hang up, but he was reluctant to drag things out beyond what would be comfortable for Cas.

"Goodnight, Dean."

"Goodnight, Cas" Cas hung up first. Dean just laid there with the phone still pressed to his ear. He looked around the room, making out shapes in the darkness. _I can be the best damn friend you could ask for. I have hope, and you said that was okay._ And Dean closed his eyes and smiled a little, feeling as though he was, once again, getting more than he had felt he had deserved.

* * *

><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**AN: Thanks rainystv, guest, and smalls907 for the reviews. You all really don't like Carter. :) I'm looking forward to writing a few more Carter and Dean interactions. I also wrote some chapters for the end portion of the fic, which is odd, but I needed to see the forest through the trees so to speak. Anyway, 'till Thursday.**


	25. Chapter 24: Piacere, Cas

Lil was playing out in the yard, and Cas couldn't help it, he had to clean up the trailer a bit. He had told himself that it would be best if he just left it a little messy for Dean. He had thought that maybe it would let Dean feel like it was his place to fix or change as he saw fit. He just couldn't let it be though. The place needed more order, more attention. He turned on the little portable stereo and began spraying down every surface with cleaner. Lil popped in and watched him a bit then plunked herself down in the bench seat that was a part of the dinette. "You want me to clean the table?" She looked up at Cas and held out her hand for the supplies.

"Sure, munchkin." He tossed her a rag and sprayed some of the cleaner on the table.

She whipped the rag back and forth across the table in long sweeping arcs. "Are you and Dean still fighting?" She cocked her head to the side and looked at him steadily.

Cas turned back to the counter that he had been wiping down before and answered, "Not really. We just have some adult stuff that needs to be worked out."

"So, is he still your boyfriend?" Her question was innocent enough, but he didn't want to answer it. The real answer was probably no, and had probably been no for a long time.

"I don't know how to answer you, Lil. When we moved here, Dean and I were not really a couple anymore. I still loved him and I think that he loved me, but we were not together, so…"

"Do you have to be with someone all of the time to be their boyfriend?" She was still wiping the table, but her efforts had slowed.

"No, but Dean and I had a bit of an agreement that we would each move on separately." Cas felt weird saying it out loud, because it wasn't really how things went for either of them, but it was what they had agreed to, sort of.

"So, does this mean that you might start calling Mr. B your boyfriend now?" Cas stopped wiping down the counters and turned to her.

"That is not my plan." He watched her take that in and then sat across from her. Her face did not show approval or disapproval. It made him wonder. "Do you like Mr. B?"

"Mr. B is cool. His class is fun."

"Do you mind that he comes around and spends time with me?" Cas wasn't sure why he was asking. He supposed that it mattered what Lil thought about the people in his life even if they were just friends.

"I like Dean better." She looked up at Cas then and added, "But if you like Mr. B that is okay too."

As if that had been his cue, Cas heard Carter's voice from outside call out. "Hey, anybody home?"

"We're in here." Cas got up and pushed the door open, and Carter came over.

"Hey there you two." Carter stepped in and surveyed the place. "Looks nice in here. You've done a good job."

"Yeah, I think that it might actually be habitable." Cas ran a hand up through his hair and surveyed the place a little, mentally noting what still needed to be done. "So, you just in the neighborhood?"

"A little. Actually, I was hoping to convince you to come out with me tonight." Carter seemed like he was trying to look casual.

"I think that I have a lot more to do tonight." Cas evaded.

"Well, I just so happen to have movie tickets already, and I would hate to have them go to waste." He paused a beat then added, "If I remember right, you said that you wanted to work on friendships, and this is totally something that a friend would do." He smiled at Cas then and it was a little endearing. The corners of his eyes crinkled up a little and Cas almost relented. Then he looked over at Lil.

"Hey Lil, would you mind giving Mr. B and I a moment to talk?" She got up then and took his cleaner and rag. "What are you going to do with that?"

"I'm going to clean the bathroom counter while you talk." Lil strolled off with the items and closed the door behind her.

The two of them laughed a little at her. "So, what do you say, Mal?" The two of them had discussed the name issue and had concluded that his alias should continue to be the name that Carter used. Better safe than sorry.

"I don't let anyone babysit Lil. I worry too much. There is a lot of danger out there and I just don't trust anyone to be able to handle it. So, I don't think that I'll be able to go with you."

Carter shuffled about a little in the doorway then said, "So, I kind of thought that you might say that, so I asked Garth if he would be willing to watch Lil. Now, I know that this is totally presumptuous of me, but I bet he could handle it if you just let him."

"He said yes?" Cas was already thinking that this might not be a bad idea.

"Totally, although he said that he didn't think that you would be interested in his watching Lil. He seems to be rather discouraging lately where I am concerned." Carter leaned back against the wall a little, seeming to pick up confidence in the moment.

"Okay. I'll go, but only for the movie. I don't want to be out too late." Cas sounded a little resigned, but Carter popped up from the wall with a little excitement evident in the move. Cas had to smile a little at that. It felt quite nice to have someone getting so giddy over just a movie with him. "Don't go making a big deal out of it though. Friends, right?"

"Besties, Mal." Carter started out the door. "I'm going to get while the getting is good. Don't want you to change your mind. I'll be back to get you around 6:30. Show's at 7:00."

"Okay. I'll be sure to talk with Garth. See you then." He gave Carter a little wave and turned back to his work. He felt a happy little stirring in his stomach, but then he looked around the trailer. He let his mind wander a bit over the space that would be Dean's, and he closed his eyes in thought over what it would mean to have him here, and what it would mean to be a friend to another man that clearly wanted more.

* * *

><p>Garth had been fine with the arrangements. He only harassed Cas a little about the situation. "So, you really think that you should be encouraging him?" Garth had asked.<p>

Cas blew it off as best he could. He didn't want to think about it too much. He really just wanted to not wallow too much in his own sea of depressing thoughts. He kept busy with Dean's trailer and let Lil distract him a bit. They went on a little run along the lake and chose to make the trek back a walk. "So, are you going on a date tonight?"

"Nope." He answered Lil quickly. She stared at him like she doubted him so he added. "Mr. B and I are friends and sometimes friends like to hang out, watch movies, eat meals together. You know?"

"I like to do that stuff with Dela."

"Yes, you do. This is sort of the same kind of thing." Cas was grateful for the comparison. It seemed to make things easier to explain and a whole lot more innocent.

"It is different though." She stooped down and picked a flowering weed from the path.

"How so?" Cas tipped a glance her way as they walked.

"He likes you more." She didn't pause or even look at him when she said it. It was just a statement of fact for her.

"Hmm. You may be right about that, but I am just looking for friendship, so yeah." Cas could see their house again and parked in front of it was Garth's very beat up, old Honda Civic. It was grey, and when Garth would get out of it, it reminded Cas of a clown car. It was too small for someone as tall as Garth, and the early 1980's styling of the car gave it the shape of a squat rollerskate.

Garth was already out of the car and leaning up against the front end. He threw a little wave their way and Lil sprinted off toward him. "Hey Garth!" She hollered.

"Hey yourself, little missy." He tossed back at her as she slammed a hug into him. He scooped her up and swung her into the air. "Are we going to have fun or what?"

She laughed as he swung her around in a circle before putting her back on solid ground. Cas reached over and gave him a little pat on the shoulder. "So, you sure this is okay?"

"Are you?" Garth smiled a half grin at him.

"I think that you are capable of handling yourself. You passed the Dean test too, so I'm guessing that you know some self-defence and such." Cas gave a little nod toward the house and directed them in. As soon as he had unlocked the door, Lil bounded past them.

"I'm going to get a snack," she said as she burst through the door, making her way to the kitchen.

"So, when is Dean getting here?" Garth plopped down onto the couch and looked like he was completely at home.

"Tomorrow or the next day, I think. I haven't really gotten an absolute date from him concerning his arrival. He just said it would be a couple of days."

"When did you talk to him?"

"Last night."

"So, go out with Carter tonight. See Dean tomorrow. If I didn't know better, I might think you were a bit of a hussy, Cas." Garth laughed at his shocked expression.

"Just friends, Garth. Just friends. I actually took your advice. You said that I need to work on that part of my relationships, so I am trying. It seems to be going well for me. Uriel and Gabe seem happier with the new arrangement. Gabe even sent me random porn." Cas wandered over to his room, intending to get changed for his not date.

"Random porn?"

"Don't ask. It is a weird little quirk of his. He always sends it with baby animal subject lines so they are pretty easy to recognize without the viewing." Cas laughed a little as he said it. "Actually, they really aren't so easy to recognize without the viewing."

"You did more than just read the subject line huh?" Garth laughed at him a little more.

"Yeah, and let me just say that some things can't be unseen." He shuddered a little. "It's Gabe's way of showing affection. Sometimes he sends legitimate information under the baby animal subject line. He does it just enough to trick me nearly every time." He turned back to his path and tossed back, "I'm just going to be a sec. I need to change."

"Do whatever. I'm officially on baby sitter duty as of now." With that Cas sealed himself off in his room and changed into jeans and a grey tee shirt that he found at the bottom of his drawer. He wanted to look casual, not like he was trying too hard. He looked himself over in the mirror and ran his hand through his hair. He tried to flatten it a little. He considered taking a shower, but he hadn't run hard enough to really kick up a sweat since Lil was with him. It seemed unnecessary, and it was already 6:00. He made his way back out to the kitchen and put together a sandwich. He took it over to the couch where Lil and Garth were already seated.

"So, I left you money on the counter. You can order pizza for the two of you. Lil likes to eat by 7:00, so you should put in for it soon." Cas wolfed down the sandwich and wiped off his mouth quickly. Then all he could do was wait. He didn't like feeling this anxious. He turned to Garth who was quietly flipping through a magazine and said, "So, if anything comes up, and I do mean anything, you call me. I'll come home right away."

"Cas, stop worrying. It'll be fine." He smiled over at Lil, who was sitting next to him. "Is your dad always like this?"

"Yeah, he's a worrywart." Cas got up and ruffled her hair. It was getting closer to 6:30. He walked over to the kitchen and put his plate in the sink.

"Howdy, howdy." Carter's voice tumbled through the door with jolly foreboding. _Maybe I should just back out. This is a bad idea._ Then Cas turned from the table and looked at him.

"Hey, Carter." Garth gave him a little wave as he came in the front door.

"Hey yourself, Garth." Carter strolled in, seeming like he was ready to go already. "You set, Cas?"

"Um, yeah. I just need to grab a coat." He walked over to the coat rack by the door and Carter surprised him with a hug. It was quick and done. Cas stepped back and smiled a little. He pulled the coat down and put it on. "You look nice. Not use to seeing you in these kinds of casual clothes." He was wearing jeans and a white button up shirt tucked into his pants.

"I dress casual all of the time." Carter laughed at him and added, "Come on. We don't want to miss the previews." Carter reached out and directed Cas out the door.

Cas looked back at Garth. "So, really do text if anything goes awry." He turned to Lil and said, "And you be good. Come give me a hug." She popped up off of the couch and hugged the side of his hip. He leaned down and kissed her mop of blonde hair. "Love you, munchkin."

"Love you too, dad."

* * *

><p>The movie wasn't all that great. It was a mystery, and Cas hated mysteries. What made it worse was that it was a messy mystery. It didn't wrap up all neat and tidy. It left him with a sour taste in his mouth. "So, you didn't like it?" Carter said while raising a hand to Cas' lower back as they walked across the parking lot.<p>

"I wouldn't say that so much." He glanced over at Carter's face in the soft glow of the street lamps. He was pleasant and warm at his side. "I just like a certain level of resolution in my movies. Real life has enough chaos, ya know."

"I don't know. I kind of liked the way it ended. Not everything is so clean." They got to the car and Carter unlocked it with his remote. "I don't think that there was any other way that it could have ended. Plus, you gotta love the eye candy."

"Well, there was that." Cas smiled a little at that. The lead actor looked a little like his type of guy, sandy hair, tall. He was fairly certain that Carter had not made the same connections that Cas had to the actor.

"So, I may be pressing my luck, but do you want to go get a bite to eat before we go back to your place?" Carter hadn't pulled out of the parking space yet.

"I think that this is about all of the separation from Lil that I can handle at present. This was kind of a big deal."

Carter pulled out of the parking slot, and said, "Well, I feel down right honored that you chose to take the big step with me."

"You hardly gave me a choice. I couldn't leave you hanging." Cas smiled over at him and felt happy with the progression of the evening. "If you are hungry, I can throw something together back at my place, or we could eat the leftover pizza that Garth and Lil will likely have."

"That sounds like a good plan." Carter drove for a time and they did not speak for a few moments. "Do you worry when you drop her off at school?"

"Why do you think that I volunteer so much? I've also found ways to be in very close proximity of the school everyday. I can see the school from the legal aid, and the Music Depot is on the other side." Cas felt a little funny admitting to just how much effort he had been putting into watching over Lil. He thought that it might sound ridiculous to Carter, like an overreaction, but he didn't care.

"Here I thought that you just volunteered to spend more time with yours truly." Carter laughed a little.

Cas didn't say anything about that, but instead chose to talk about the greater issue."The things that happened to us back there, before. I can't let it happen again. She is the most important thing. I had to make choices though. She has to go to school and have a life. The close proximity thing that I do while she is in school is taxing. I worry the whole time. I feel like I am constantly watching for something, anything that is off. The volunteering time is the only time that is not worrisome."

He glanced over at Carter and saw that his face fell a little in the dark car. He was serious now. "You know Mal, I wouldn't let any harm come to her, to any of those kids."

"I know. Until very recently, though, you did not even know that there was anything to worry over. I can't really rely on anyone where she is concerned. No one really gets it, what it was like to watch him hurt her. I was powerless, and I wasn't with her when he found her at Sam's place. So, even just this little outing is huge. I can't make it a habit, though. Hope you understand." Cas wanted him to see that it was about the stress of the past, the never knowing what was around the corner. He didn't expect Carter's response though.

"With Dean moving here, will that change things? I mean, if he is watching her, would you still be afraid to go out without her?" Carter's posture was tense as if he didn't like to dive into the subject of Dean, which made sense.

"I think that it might be awkward to ask Dean to watch my daughter while we go to a movie, just saying." Cas had to laugh a little at the idea.

"Yeah, I guess that might be weird." Carter loosened up a little as he drove. "We will still hang out, though, right?"

"Of course." Cas reached over gave his shoulder a squeeze. "We are friends, and I don't want to lose that."

"Friends that have kissed. Friends that are a little more than friends, Mal." Carter turned to him, and the look practically dared him to contradict it. Even as he turned back to the road, Cas still felt the look burning into him.

"That was a mistake. I shouldn't have lead you on knowing that I had so much that was complicated in my life. I should have been open and honest with you. I'm sorry."

"Damnit Mal." Carter pulled over. They were not far from his home. The deep woodlands framed the road making it country dark. Cas felt his heartbeat stutter a little. Carter never got mad. It was startling to hear this tone coming from him. He put the car in park and turned to him. "I'm in love with you, Cas, Mal, whatever your stupid name is. I'm in love with you. When we kissed you felt something too. Now, I'm not so full of myself as to think that you love me or whatnot, but you felt something, and it damn sure wasn't just friendship."

Cas sat there, heart pounding, hands clenched into fists. He didn't know how to respond. He wanted to get out and walk the rest of the way home which was a feeling in direct contrast to his desire to throw himself across the seat into what would likely be a very passionate kiss. He hated to admit, even just to himself how much he liked intensity in his men. Carter was certainly intense. Even in the dark, Cas could see a fiery glint to his eyes. "You're right, I'm not in love with you, but you do things to me. You make me forget the bad stuff. You make me feel desirable. I am shocked on a near daily basis when I think that anyone would want this." He waved his hands about, signifying himself."

"You're fucking gorgeous, you idiot." Carter huffed as he turned away from Cas to look out the window.

Cas felt the warm spread of embarrassment run up to his face. "Kissing you is easy. Sleeping with you would be too. I've thought about it, but you would never have what you deserve. I don't think that I could live with myself for taking that chance away from you, just so that I could have some fun."

"It wouldn't just be that, and you know it. You'd come to love me in time. Some part of me thinks that maybe you love me enough. I'm okay with being loved as just a little more than a friend. If it means I get to keep you, I'm in. I want you, Cas. I want you so much, I can barely think of anything else. It's killing me." He made the move across the space between their seats, leaning into Cas' side of the car. He kissed him hard. He pulled Cas to him, running his hands around Cas' back. Cas didn't resist. He accepted it. He wanted it. The feeling of being chosen, wanted, needed so desperately. He had craved that and here it was pressed into him. All of that longing and need pulling at his lip, sliding past teeth, vying for contact and more.

The low moan that escaped him as Carter angled himself more deeply into his mouth was all the encouragement that Carter seemed to need. His hands came around to the front of his pants. Cas felt him fumbling with the button and the fly. He felt the pressure of his hands rubbing him through his jeans. Cas moved his own hands up to Carter's chest then lower, pulling his shirt out of his pants. He ran his hands up under the shirt over his sides and up his chest. The ridges of muscles felt taut. He wanted to feel them with his lips. He could barely concentrate on that though as Carter's hand finally made it past his jeans. Headlights rounded the distant turn in the road and illuminated the interior of the car from behind. Cas stiffened a little and moved back from Carter. Carter retreated a little too. The car shot by, and they stared at each other in the darkness that returned to them.

"I should be getting home to Lil," Cas finally said.

"You sure?" Carter's hands snaked back over to his thigh.

Cas picked it up and kissed it. "I'm sure." He released his hand and began straightening out his clothes.

"Raincheck?" Carter smirked.

Cas felt like he was back in control of himself. There would be no more teenaged groping in the car. "I meant what I said before."

"Me too. There's no sense in just wanting all the time. We can give each other so much if you just let it happen."

"Take me home, Carter." Cas looked straight ahead now, and Carter started the car. They drove the rest of the way in silence. When they got to the house, Carter got out and met Cas on his side of the car.

"I think I'm going to call it a night, Cas, unless you say point blank that you want me to come in. I would come in, and I would be happy, if you just say the word." Carter ran his hand up Cas' arm. Cas looked up at him and felt the stirring again. He leaned his head down onto Carter's chest for just a moment and felt Carter's hand running along to his back. He didn't linger there long though. He stepped back and made his way toward the steps. Carter did not follow him.

"I think that I should just call it a night, Carter." He threw a glance back at him, but couldn't maintain the look. "I need to sort my stuff out. I hope you understand."

"When you change your mind, call me. I can be back here in less than ten minutes." Carter did not break his gaze, and Cas felt the intensity of the moment building. "Goodnight." Then Carter turned back to his car and left. Cas wondered if he had made a mistake. He chose though, and now he would find a way to live with it, or maybe he would cave and call him in the night. _Maybe._

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><p><strong>Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.<strong>

**The term affabile means: in a pleasant or friendly tone. Piacere is pleasure. In music it implies that the performer can do as he/she pleases without following an expected pattern or plan.**

**AN: Thank you all for the reviews. Hey Mummabro, I thought that it was you, but didn't want to assume ;P Glad you approve of Donna. I just really liked her in the series and wanted to find some way of throwing her in here, even if it is just a small role. Also, thanks for telling me about the _Painted Angels_ fic. I'm enjoying it and bought a printed copy. It'll be fun to read it again in print. Igniting and Catrimc, glad you like Carter. I didn't want him to be unlikable. After all, Cas seems to like him a little, so he can't be that bad:P On that note though, I totally get why you don't like him rainystv. He is totally getting in the way of good things. I'm glad that you liked the hope line. I was pleased with how that bit of dialogue turned out. 'Till Monday, unless I get super productive (not likely). The next chapter is long like this one. Hope that makes up for the limited updates.**


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